Joey Cole comes of age

So, it seems Joe “end product” Cole got himself into a bit of trouble recently. Our favourite born again left-wing solution has recently been added to Grove Park police station’s ‘bovver’ file, currently stored on an offshore tanker having outgrown a local warehouse. Apparently Joey was getting friendly with Page 3 temptress Keeley Hazell when her boyfriend walked in and, cutting in from the left flank, perfectly timed a few blows right onto Cole’s head. Cole was forced to jump out of the window topless (pictured right) and flee with mates Anton Ferdinand and Bobby Zamora, who had presumably been playing Pro Evo in the next room.

Joey, Joey, Joey. I’ve always had a soft spot for Cole, who I saw sign his contract on the pitch at half time for West Ham, and make his debut against Swansea in the Cup (he bamboozled their left back), and eventually outgrow us and move on to Chelski. Other than his obvious ability, one of my favourite things about Joey was that he seemed to be a bit of a footballing geek. Having heard stories of a young Cole leaving training in tears as none of his mates were passing to him, and the loveable fact that his voice hadn’t even broken properly by the time he was regularly starting for West Ham, I had (and still have) Cole down as more of a Michael Owen than a Kieron Dyer. The kind of player who goes home after training to update his Merlin sticker Album instead of joining Neil Ruddock down at Chasers.

So, instead of joining in with that gleeful lot down at the Sun, tonight I will toast to Joey Cole’s coming of age. Obviously Joey had been in the middle of arranging his computer games alphabetically when Anton and Bobby knocked on the door and told him he needed to get out a bit more. Fumbling off his shinpads, Joey jumped excitedly at the prospect of going out with the cool kids, put on his best Ben Sherman and headed out. Not believing his luck, Joey managed to cop off with a Sun stunner under strict instructions to bag an England player, who in turn couldn’t believe her luck at finding one she’d hadn’t shagged yet. And the rest is tabloid history.

Poor old Joey. Caught with his pants down one his first real night out with the lads. How sweet. Never mind eh, he’ll be the most popular boy in the dressing room this week. Having developed into a consistent player with convertible flair, and having become one of the first names on the teamsheet at England’s most prestigious club, little Joey is now snogging girls. No wonder everyone is talking about how much he has matured over the last couple of years. Joe Cole is now a man.