If you are a Premiership club, whatever you do, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SIGN BENNI MCCARTHY!

Having been widely linked in the press, it was announced today that Portsmouth’s attempts to sign Benni McCarthy have failed. According to the Independent, Porto upped the asking price in the final hours of the deal. Portsmouth should have known better.

In 2002, Middlesborough were ‘on the verge’ of snapping up the South African striker, but the deal broke down with Boro executives blaming the “outrageous demands” of McCarthy’s agent Rob Moore. Later in the year, Aston Villa seemed to have McCarthy in their pocket, but the deal again came to nothing and he ended up going to Porto.

2005 was a particularly good year for Benni McCarthy not moving to the Premiership. Rob Moore, clearly missing a bit good old-fashioned British grub, went into overdrive. The first half of the year saw McCarthy linked to Blackburn, Everton, Birmingham, Newcastle, Bolton and Chelsea, in all cases seemingly because Rob Moore had said so. McCarthy himself, presumably after old Robbo had given him a few beers, declared:

"I am tired of so much ingratitude, so much falsehood and so many accusations. I deserve to live in peace and it would be best if I could go elsewhere to seek the happiness"

In September West Ham stepped in to end poor old Benni’s misery, but the deal fell through in the last minute, when Porto upped the asking price, a trick they repeated yesterday with Portsmouth. In any case, there must have been pretty good weather in Portugal over the last four months, for in a dramatic change of heart Benni is now happily smitten with his current employers, and claimed on Wednesday “I am happy. I do not have any interest in leaving FC Porto.” Oh what a difference a fallen-through deal makes.

So, the moral of the story is: DO NOT attempt to sign Benni McCarthy if you are a Premiership club. In the last four years he has been linked to 10 Premiership teams. In crude maths: if you are a top-flight English club you have a 50% chance of being linked to Benni McCarthy, and a 0% chance of getting him. His agent is a twat, his club are bent businessmen, and the player himself is emotionally unstable.