Benji's Balls End of Season Awards

Shit Season XI


Best Story
1) Paddy Kenny Gets Eyebrow Bitten Off By Mate
2) Mourinho Hides in Laundry Basket
3) Added Time MultiBall in Macclesfield

Best Writer
Barney Ronay. Guardian saturday sports sketch writer, has recently infiltrated the haughty pages of G2.

Best Regular Read
Football 365's Mediawatch

Best Entertainment Value
Joey Barton

Best Prediction
Fergie to Retire, Then Pursue Political Career (me). You wait, you just wait.

So, chucks, it's been emotional. Will be infrequently posting over the summer if I feel the need to chew some footballing fat. Also, there is the distinct possibility Benji's Balls will be coming atcha live from South America next season. Which could be mental. Oooow-lay.

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Related Tags: Paul Robinson, Matthew Upson, Khalid Boulharouz, Titus Bramble, Gaizka Mendieta, Joey Barton, Ousemane Dabo, Michael Ballack, Andrei Shevchenko, Marlon Harewood, James Beattie, Paddy Kenny, Jose Mourinho, Macclesfield, Barney Ronay, Football 365, Mediawatch, Alex Ferguson, South America, Awards

Cursed Roeder Leaves Newcastle

Reports are emerging that poor old Glen Roeder has parted company with Newcastle. Whilst this is another case of nice guys finishing last in football, and also a terrbile loss to the 'speaking in the third person' community, perhaps the biggest bummer for Roeder is that..it's happened again.

You see whenever Glen Roeder finishes 7th with a club, the season after always end in tears for him. When he finished 7th with Watford in 94/95 they were relegated the next year. Same thing happened with West Ham after they finished 7th in 01/02.

When Newcastle finished 7th last year, Roeder must have know he'd be in for it this season. If I was him i'd put a team of lawyers on the case to investigate the possibility of sueing the number 7. Teams of lawyers are all the rage these days.

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Vote Fergie Watch: Week 2

A clevererer man than me once said: "When things happen quite often you have to start thinking of them as a chain of events rather than a series of isolated incidents, innit."

And, as has been the form on Benji's Balls over the last few weeks, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that Fergie is laying the foundations for a political career post-football. Last week we saw him adding his tuppence to the Scottish Unionist vs Nationalist debate, found out that he has been taking lessons from Al Gore, and that he is on first name terms with "Gordon and Tony".

And this week, Fergie has turned his attentions to the political hot potato of class. Reacting to some particularly peachy comments from Jose Mourinho on Christiano Ronaldo's upbringing, Sir Alex got all philiosophical on his ass:

"If someone comes from a poor, working-class background, it doesn't mean to say you are not educated. What Ronaldo has is principles, which is why he has not responded to the comments, whereas some people who are educated have no principles and that's without question in this case." [Red Issue]

Ooh, get him! Keep tuning in for more Fergie political skulduggery. Vote Fergie!

Related Tags: sir, alex, ferguson, fergie, mourinho, ronaldo, political, class, poor, uneducated, manchester, united, chelsea

Joey Barton: A Fagin of our Times (part 2)

Joey, Joey, Joey. Once again, I began the week thinking Barton was a bit of a hero, openly criticising a few of Man City's players who, lets face it, have been shit all season. Allthough he didn't actually mention names, it was clear that Bernardo Corradi and £6m signing Giorgios Samaras, with 70 appearences and 9 goals between them were the chaff he was referring to. Once again, a shining example of a footballer actually speaking his mind, rather than the conveyer belt of durge that flows from the mouths of other PR-hypnotised players such as Fat Frank 'game of two halves' Lampard. Classic Barton.

Ans then, golly, Barton decided to cave team-mate Ousemane Dabo's face in after a late tackle in training:

"The midfielder has been suspended by Citeh for the rest of the season after a training-ground fight with Ousmane Dabo resulted in the Frenchman being taken to hospital. Dabo is reported to have been punched repeatedly by Barton after a row erupted during a practice match.

'After the two midfield players cut each other down with alternate late tackles, Barton taunted Dabo by telling him: "You're s**t." Dabo retaliated by telling Barton: 'You are not as good as you think you are,' and the players began to trade blows,' reports The Daily Mail.

"It was incredible. Joey was over Dabo and still hitting him while he was on the floor," an eyewitness told The Daily Mirrror." [footy365]

Once again, classic Barton.
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Related Tags: joey, barton, ousmane, dabo, manchester, city, brawl, fight, suspended, stuart, pearce, training, ground, punch, hospital

Funny Ha Ha

Have to share this rather crude, but rather funny gag with you, courtesy of me old mucker Jonny:

David Beckham is returning to England to speak at Alan Ball's wake. Being a dead ball specialist he is seen as the perfect man for the job.

Red Nev, Tory Oggy and Zapa Xavi

We've been getting all political here on Benji's Balls this week, what with Fergie dabbling in politics and everything (see below). And here's some more footbolotics (© BL 2007) gems, gleaned from an article in yesterday's G-Diddy by the ever-excellent Barney Ronay:

- Cristiano Lucarelli, the Livorno striker, is the celebrity guest of honour at a UCL seminar called Money, Politics, and Violence this week.

- At the last general election Alex Ferguson posted a message on the government's website praising "two barnstorming speeches from Tony and Gordon". First name terms eh? See post below.

-Steve Ogrizovic campaigned for his local Tory candidate in 1987

-Robbie Fowler owns almost 100 houses as part of a £28m buy-to-let portfolio, despite his well documented Docker sympathies, pictured.

- Wigan manager Paul Jewell has a pet tortoise called Trotsky.

- Gary Neville has been considered a socialist (Red Nev) ever since stewarded a revolt in the England dressing room over Rio Ferdinand's drug test ban. Tenuous, but catchy.

- Xavier Zanetti convinced Inter Milan to donate €5,000 to help Zapatista rebels in Mexico.

Well hows about that eh? Best bit of the article comes when Ronay tries to pin down Eric Cantona's political tendencies, quoting from his autobiography:

"Perhaps you may find it odd that I think happiness does not come from being able to buy a car that one wants," he challenged in his autobiography, before reminding us that "the woods are full of bows and arrows"

Vote Fergie

Smashing performance by Manure last night, adding no doubt to those tickling thoughts that United might just be onto something this season. Which got me thinking again about Grandpa Fergie and my theory that if Man Utd win lots this year he might retire in a blaze of glory.

Further evidence has popped up over the last few weeks. Most interestingly, Fergie seems to be dabbling in politics. It's a semi-natural progression- managing a Premiership footy team would arm any man with sufficient experience to deal with our immigrant and ASBO-infused political climate, cos, after all they're all thick, and mostly foreign. Boom boom.

Anyway. First up Fergie has been trumpeting the Scottish Unionist cause, taking on Sean Connery in a battle of the Sirs. Second, now this is fascinating, Alex Ferguson has been taking lessons from Al Gore on how to save the planet. Vote Fergie!

Jose Mourinho: Omnipitent, Omniscient, Omnipresent.

This is probably my favourite story of the year so far. An 'inside source' has revealed to the Times that in defiance of a UEFA touchline ban during a Chumps League match against Bayern a few years back, Jose Mourinho employed all sorts of black arts to get instructions to his players, including laundry baskets, bobble hats, and loudspeakers.

"For the first leg at Stamford Bridge, Mourinho arrived early enough to get in position. He watched the game on a television in the dressing-room and, during the first half, communicated to his staff in the dugout by radio or telephone. “You can get mobile reception in the dressing-room,” the source said. “It depends what network and in what room.”

At the time, television commentators spotted and commented on the fact that Rui Faria, the fitness coach, had a strange kink in his bobble hat and repeatedly scratched his ear. It was the sort of kink that could be caused by a wire and earpiece. “It was so obvious, to keep playing with your ear like that,” the source said.

Suspicious of skulduggery going on under their noses, Uefa officials went down to the tunnel, but by then the players were back in the dressing-room and listening to a team talk from their manager.

One source claims that knowing that the listening device had been rumbled, Chelsea simply used more rudimentary communication in the second half. It was noted at the time that Silvinho Louro, the goalkeeping coach, made several trips back to the dressing-room. “He’s a nervous spectator,” a source close to Mourinho joked at the time, but Louro kept coming back with bits of paper that were passed to the other coaches. Whatever the pieces of paper contained, they tended to coincide with substitutions.

Mourinho was not waiting for the players at the end of the match, which Chelsea won 4-2, because he had already allegedly clambered into one of the kit skips. He was wheeled out of the dressing-room by members of the backroom staff and, it is believed, back into the leisure club in the Chelsea Village hotel at the ground, where it had been reported that he spent the entire evening.

In a passable impression of Inspector Clouseau, Uefa’s hapless officials left none the wiser. Insiders claim Mourinho was so thrilled that he joked openly about his trip in the skip in front of his players at training the next morning.

In the second leg, at the Olympic Stadium in Munich, there was a greater risk of detection if he tried to enter the dressing-room. The sources allege that Mourinho went into the stands to watch but, apparently flustered by the close attention of a camera crew, he quickly departed for the team hotel.

The privacy might have been useful. The Timeshas been told that a speaker had been set up in the dressing-room so that he could talk to the players over the telephone at half-time. “There was a massive speaker,” a source said. “José was at the hotel.” Uefa’s representatives had surpassed themselves yet again by approaching Faria to check if there was anything under his hat. There wasn’t.

In a recent biography to which Mourinho contributed, he boasted about how he overcame a touchline ban during his days at FC Porto by sending messages to his assistants from his seat in the stands via “a small, sophisticated telecommunications device”. He even listed the precise instructions, which included: “Tell Deco [the Porto midfield player] I’m p****d off, I want more!” and, “Pressure on linesman, everybody.”" [The Times]

You've got to hand it to him. If you're wandering what a Jose teamtalk sounds like, listen to a recently recorded one here.

Italian Neutrality

This is brilliant. Imagine Motty and Sir Trev doing this...

Fergie and Jose in Faustian Pact?

Now here's a thought. If Manure and Chelski both get to the Champion's League final...what's the betting that in a Peter Kenyon-inspired bit of back-of-the-alley skulduggery they do a deal? Chelsea ease off and let United take the title, whilst Chelsea are given the Chumps League?

Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. Just a thought though.

And here's another. If United win the double, or, nay, the treble, then surely Fergie will retire, no? He threatened to do so after the 99 treble but didn't. If I was Fergie I would retire in a blaze of glory. If he does I said it first, ok.

One more thought then i'm done. Chris Coleman was sacked last night, in somewhat of a surprise. Truth is, it shouldn't have been a surprise, it only was because he's a top fella. Then it hit me, all the 'top fellas' in football tend to be a bit rubbish, and consequently disposed of. See Pardew at West Ham, Ranieri at Chelscum, and Keegan at England. Ergo, if you want a successful manager, employ a knob. See Mourinho and Ferguson. And I'm spent.

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Just to let y'all know, I'm going to be guest posting for Jaunted's first Embedded Travel Guide series for the next few weeks, so do nip over and have a look.

I'm covering the small provincial town of London. The first post is on The Great Tube debate, unveiling the results of an emailed question I unleashed upon my address book last week. Best reply was from my good friend Karen Fransman:

"The Northern line still holds a special place in my heart. Very much like an old, flea ridden dog that should have been taken round the shed and shot in the head long, long ago."

Couldn't agree more.

Centurion!

Well I never, tis my hundredth post, which in the blogosphere is quite the celebration. I'd like to thank a few people.

First of all, I'd like to thank South American football for being ridiculous, as we saw here, here, and here.

I'd also like to thank Joey Cole for being a hero, and for becoming a man in front of our very eyes.

I'd like to thank Tevez and Mascherano for getting me all excited.

I'd like to thank Graham Taylor for being such a buffoon by lamenting the ammount of foreigners in the Premiership, and generally just talking in public.

Finally, and most importantly, I'd like to thank Peter Crouch for being strangely sized, singing the hotstepper, and dressing up as a parrot.

Here's to another hundred!

Ronaldo Chased by Angry Thugs

Cracking picture of Ronaldo being pursued by Brett Emerton and Christopher Samba in today's Grauniad. Went to the trouble of scanning the bugger for you lot. Enjoy. Hats of to Matthew Peters at Getty. Click to englarge (i think).

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Huge in Huelva

It turns out that any old chaff can bang them in in La Primera 'Miguel Mouse' Liga. Not only is Freddie Kanoute currently top scorer, but improbably-named ex-scouser Florent Sinama-Pongolle has bagged 9 goals in 14 starts for Recreativo de Huelva.

Further evidence that La Liga really isn't that good. In other news, turns out Bolton really will buy any old shit.

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Keepy Uppies, Junta Style

Once again proving the age-old-addage that 'anything Ronaldinho can do the Burmese can do better'



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Footy, travel,etc.

A quick tip of the hat to the Different Directions, another blog i regularly contribute to; the loudmouth brother of Youngin Europe. Which is a young person's guide to Europe (the clue's in the name you see)

The latest post is on 'The International Language of Football'. Have a butchers, i implore thee.




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Ronaldo: An Apology

In a post-World Cup blog last summer, trying to find some positives in amongst the cacophony of English woe, I made the following comment:

"Hopefully we have seen the last of Chriatiano Ronaldo in the premiership. He is an absolutely brilliant player, but you'd have to be better than Ronaldinho to make up for the sheer amnmount of twattishness he has demonstrated."

Well, it turns out he is better than Ronaldinho. At the moment at least. At the time it seemed as if Ronaldo was packing his bags and nipping off to the Primera Liga, side-stepping an imminent lynching in England. I remeber thinking; if Ronaldo was a real man he would come bag to England, have the season of his life, and win United the league. Which is exactly what he has done. ***Benji tips his hat***

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Why?

Why why and more why do the BBC allow Graham Taylor to speak publicly? Why? He is pure shite. Really. I mean really. Come on beeb. Sort it out. Fair enough keeping Motty on, institution and all that, but Taylor has never said anything interesting, ever. And letting him talk about England? Well that's just rubbing the salt in. (see England's brilliant performance at USA 94).

In other news, England play Israel today, which is interesting of course because Israel can be a bit doolaly, politically speaking. And there are lots of Jewish England fans, which is slightly tricky. I am one, and for the record I am hoping for a 4-3 England victory, Yossi with three. Read a slightly interesting, but not very interesting article about the conundrum here.


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Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait

Just watched Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait, an intriguing film/art installation that tracks Zidedine Zidane throughout almost the entirety of a Real Madrid game Vs Villareal at the Bernabeu in 2005.

First up, this is not a documentary…it is a collage of 17 different playercams, shot in film rather than digi. This in itself is novel…watching football shot using the same cameras, filters and techniques used in a feature film is wierd, in a good way.

It goes on. After the first five minutes you are wondering if they are really gonna keep this up for than entire 90 minutes. They do (well almost- see below). Occasional subtitles from an interview with Zizou pop up, but only every now and then. A Mogwai soundtrack dips in and out. A lot of people will fast forward. I didn’t. But I am a football geek..this was a bit like porn. Hear me out.

***pretention warning***
Beyond the frequent examples of Zidane’s succulent touch, this is an insight into an enigma. My mum is a psychotherapist, and once told me that Zidane’s eyes were troubled eyes. It takes an hour for Zidane to smile in this game (after a brief jape with Roberto Carlos). Then like a baby with a hit of smile-induced serotonin it sticks for a while. It’s relief- for the vast majority of the game Zidane is a study (a portrait) of deep, deep intensity…powerfully devoid of emotion. Screaming silence, if you will.

Then the rub. Zidane is sent off. A brief flash of anger preceding…a brief flash of despair after. And that’s it. As with the entire enigma surrounding him, it asks a thousand questions…which remain unanswered. Is he an angry man? Is he happy? Where does the mist come from? Is it inherent of his genius? A documentary would have answered. The best thing about this is that it doesn’t. The enigma remains. As the subject of a grey area project teetering on the boundaries of art, film, character study, psychological profile, hagiography…Zidane is the perfect muse.

Is it a good film? Probably not. Is it a good piece of art? Well it left me thinking a lot of things…which probably means yes. At the very least, props to the directors for even doing this. It’s always nice when the highly browed of this world realise that this is more than just a game.

(first person to say, circa school playground, “well why don’t you just shag him then?” wins a prize)

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Joey Barton: A Fagin of our Times

Ah Joey Barton. One day a local boy done good, next day a genetically-doomed hooligan. I, for some reason, like him, but am occasionally reminded that maybe I shouldn't.

Is he your mate? Is he about to cave your face in? You decide:


The Case Against
- Arrested last night for assaulting a cabbie.

- Swears at fans.

- Scrapping with Everton fans in Thailand, after whcih he bit Richard Dunne. As you do.

- Stubbed out a cigar in a City trainee's eye. (well they've got to learn somehow)

The Case For
- Gets stick every week for his lunatic brother's imprisonment for killing a guy with an axe (in a racially motivated attack- nasty) and yet has continually improved as a player over the last year, recently breaking into the England squad.

- Quite rightly accused the England players of cashing in on a decidedly shit World Cup Campaign by releasing 'my meaningless life so far..' books.

- Called Lampard fat at his first England training session.

- Moonied Everton fans a few months back, prompting superb 'Police probe Barton's Bottom' headlines. Pic above for the ladies.

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