Footy, travel,etc.

A quick tip of the hat to the Different Directions, another blog i regularly contribute to; the loudmouth brother of Youngin Europe. Which is a young person's guide to Europe (the clue's in the name you see)

The latest post is on 'The International Language of Football'. Have a butchers, i implore thee.




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related posts
Don't Patronise me - I'm Russian or Brazillian (or possibly Dutch or Scottish)
In Defence of Catania

Ronaldo: An Apology

In a post-World Cup blog last summer, trying to find some positives in amongst the cacophony of English woe, I made the following comment:

"Hopefully we have seen the last of Chriatiano Ronaldo in the premiership. He is an absolutely brilliant player, but you'd have to be better than Ronaldinho to make up for the sheer amnmount of twattishness he has demonstrated."

Well, it turns out he is better than Ronaldinho. At the moment at least. At the time it seemed as if Ronaldo was packing his bags and nipping off to the Primera Liga, side-stepping an imminent lynching in England. I remeber thinking; if Ronaldo was a real man he would come bag to England, have the season of his life, and win United the league. Which is exactly what he has done. ***Benji tips his hat***

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related posts
Nippy Footwork
Always look on the bright side...

Why?

Why why and more why do the BBC allow Graham Taylor to speak publicly? Why? He is pure shite. Really. I mean really. Come on beeb. Sort it out. Fair enough keeping Motty on, institution and all that, but Taylor has never said anything interesting, ever. And letting him talk about England? Well that's just rubbing the salt in. (see England's brilliant performance at USA 94).

In other news, England play Israel today, which is interesting of course because Israel can be a bit doolaly, politically speaking. And there are lots of Jewish England fans, which is slightly tricky. I am one, and for the record I am hoping for a 4-3 England victory, Yossi with three. Read a slightly interesting, but not very interesting article about the conundrum here.


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Related Posts
Political Football
Oh Would You Just...

Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait

Just watched Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait, an intriguing film/art installation that tracks Zidedine Zidane throughout almost the entirety of a Real Madrid game Vs Villareal at the Bernabeu in 2005.

First up, this is not a documentary…it is a collage of 17 different playercams, shot in film rather than digi. This in itself is novel…watching football shot using the same cameras, filters and techniques used in a feature film is wierd, in a good way.

It goes on. After the first five minutes you are wondering if they are really gonna keep this up for than entire 90 minutes. They do (well almost- see below). Occasional subtitles from an interview with Zizou pop up, but only every now and then. A Mogwai soundtrack dips in and out. A lot of people will fast forward. I didn’t. But I am a football geek..this was a bit like porn. Hear me out.

***pretention warning***
Beyond the frequent examples of Zidane’s succulent touch, this is an insight into an enigma. My mum is a psychotherapist, and once told me that Zidane’s eyes were troubled eyes. It takes an hour for Zidane to smile in this game (after a brief jape with Roberto Carlos). Then like a baby with a hit of smile-induced serotonin it sticks for a while. It’s relief- for the vast majority of the game Zidane is a study (a portrait) of deep, deep intensity…powerfully devoid of emotion. Screaming silence, if you will.

Then the rub. Zidane is sent off. A brief flash of anger preceding…a brief flash of despair after. And that’s it. As with the entire enigma surrounding him, it asks a thousand questions…which remain unanswered. Is he an angry man? Is he happy? Where does the mist come from? Is it inherent of his genius? A documentary would have answered. The best thing about this is that it doesn’t. The enigma remains. As the subject of a grey area project teetering on the boundaries of art, film, character study, psychological profile, hagiography…Zidane is the perfect muse.

Is it a good film? Probably not. Is it a good piece of art? Well it left me thinking a lot of things…which probably means yes. At the very least, props to the directors for even doing this. It’s always nice when the highly browed of this world realise that this is more than just a game.

(first person to say, circa school playground, “well why don’t you just shag him then?” wins a prize)

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Related posts:
Zidane's Mozart Moment
Gor Blimery Guvernir, Mate

Joey Barton: A Fagin of our Times

Ah Joey Barton. One day a local boy done good, next day a genetically-doomed hooligan. I, for some reason, like him, but am occasionally reminded that maybe I shouldn't.

Is he your mate? Is he about to cave your face in? You decide:


The Case Against
- Arrested last night for assaulting a cabbie.

- Swears at fans.

- Scrapping with Everton fans in Thailand, after whcih he bit Richard Dunne. As you do.

- Stubbed out a cigar in a City trainee's eye. (well they've got to learn somehow)

The Case For
- Gets stick every week for his lunatic brother's imprisonment for killing a guy with an axe (in a racially motivated attack- nasty) and yet has continually improved as a player over the last year, recently breaking into the England squad.

- Quite rightly accused the England players of cashing in on a decidedly shit World Cup Campaign by releasing 'my meaningless life so far..' books.

- Called Lampard fat at his first England training session.

- Moonied Everton fans a few months back, prompting superb 'Police probe Barton's Bottom' headlines. Pic above for the ladies.

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related posts:
What do Sven's squads and Michael Owen's spare time have in common?
Always look on the bright side...

Nippy Footwork

This is why substitutes spend most of the game warming up, even if they don't get on: You never know how many Inter players you're gonna have to dodge after you've broken their mate's nose. So graceful as he runs....Christiano Ronaldo would be proud....

(Benji's Balls does not condone violence. It does, however, reserve the right to laugh at it.) -wait for the replay

A Pair of Idiots

In the post a few weeks ago, i received a letter fromVirgin Media announcing that they were replacing NTL Telewest in my area. It was worded nicely; somewhat of an informal introduction (great business), and I was quite happy that this was happening- I've always liked old Dickie Branson...seemed like a bit of a rebel and all that (am I a sucker?)

Anyhoo. Some weeks later and I have been deprived of Sky Sports News, which is something like bread for me, and now both Sky and Virgin are blaming the other side, pulling eachother's hair, and totally and utterly forgetting about the consumer. If you are interested, the whole thing has been a rather fascinating unholy row. Read Branson's argument here, and James Murdoch's here.

I however, am no longer interested. I am pissed off. Sky are twats for rising their prices, Virgin are twats for not paying it. If anything, I am more pissed off at Virgin, even though I appreciate they are being screwed. Note to Branson: before you came along I was happily watching Georgie Thompson and whoever was sitting beside her. Now I am not. You do the maths. Oh, and saying...

"The Virgin Central [video on demand] channel is a great channel, it has brilliant programming already . . . we are going to really push that channel and put any money that we will save from this into getting fantastic programming for that."

...is laughable. Anyone who describes their own product as 'fantastic' knows that it isn't. I want my 24-hour Sports News back.

I am currently reviewing alternative entertainment options.

To Me, To You....

cheers to Hugh for this.

Fat Ron, Fat Ron, and the curse of the Galactico

So all the papers seem to be teasing poor old Ronald 'Pilsbury Dough Boy' Inho for the healthy little paunch he's developed around his mid-section.

Well my friends, although i've touched on this before, this is the predictable case of the 'curse of the Galactico'. In brief:

"Once a player has won blooming everything, he'll inevitably decline in form, and perhaps fitness, as there isn't really much for him to fight for any more. Know what I mean?" Benji Lanyado 2006

You see, good old Fat Ron has won it all: Lots of Leagues, The Chumps League, World Player of the Year etc... And rather like the Fat Ron before him (Ronaldo- except he never won the Chumps, but won the WC virtually single-handedly in 2002) quite understandably he isn't as arsed as he used to be.

Well I say fair play to the little fatso, put your feet up mate...maybe he could put them up on all the history books his name will be indellibly inscribed in forever more, regardless of what he does for the rest of his career. Make his a large.

The Future of Light Entertainment

Yes my football-afflicted friends...behold the future. Actually this is slightly plagiarised from an 8 Brook Rd, Manchester prototype, but now is the time to tell the world. We've all been there...two matches on at the same time...?!!! Woe!

Fear not. Simply uses two TVs,one hooked up to the Digi skart, one to a normal aerial. Voila: multi-screen Champions League Tuesday. Thus I was able to see Lille make absolute tits out of themselves, and see Arsenal lose ....at the same time (if your mother only knew...boomedeboom)

You're welcome.

Random Relegation

Here's a quick one for any of you who are feeling the depressing pinch of imminent relegation. We're not alone. In fact, a brief glance across the European leagues reveals a veritable rash of imminent random relegation.



Germany: Hamburg
Finished 3rd last year, now sitting second from bottom

France: Nantes Atlantique
Won the league in 2001, also now second bottom

Spain: Real Sociedad
Finished 2nd in 2003, now second bottom too.

Italy: Parma
Won UEFA Cup in 99, finished 2nd in 97, now...second bottom

And then of course there's always Leeds...who seem to be on the verge of fucking it in spectacular fashion...Chumps League semis in 2001...now bottom of the Championship.

So my fellow Irons, every cloud eh? I'm off to drink White Ace on a street corner...but in a positive way.

McClaren & Brown in 'Same Person' Shock!!!

McClaren:
"Chortle. You know what's great...? I'll tell you. This totally un-creepy media smile i've developed is completely covering up the fact that i'm shitting it. Thank God for all that media training from Max"






Brown:
"Titter. Wow! This totaly un-creepy media smile i've nailed in the last few years is totally covering up the fact that i'm shitting it. Thank God for all that media training from Pete and Ali"





Anyone? Anyone?

In Defence of Catania...

Italy's collective responsibilty thang when it comes to dealing with their frequent footballing skulduggery does my head in. The whole league was delayed for a few weeks at the beginning of the season so that Juventus and the others could be punished for match-fixing, meaning everyone had to deal with the fixture congestion and lack of projected revenue because of what had gone on at only four of the league's clubs. And then they let Fiorentina and Milan off anyway.

A bunch of pricks kill a policeman in Catania, suddenly both clubs (Palermo is the other one) are the devil's football teams, and the whole league is abandoned again. Because of a bunch of pricks.

For the record, Catania is a really nice city. If you're arsed, here's a writeup i did. I also had a thoroghly lovely footballing experience there, described here. This is the man i went to the game with, who was a lovely chap:


..and here's the fans being excited, which is nice too (click to enlarge):

A bunch of thugs do not define an island, or even it's football teams, just like a bunch of currupt businessmen do not describe the whole league. Why not hit the perpetrators hard, and let the rest get on with it eh? Maybe it's a bit of karma that Italy won the World Cup.

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in other news...Ashley Cole and Wayne Bridge are injured, and somehow Steve Maclaren decides not to call up Matt Taylor, and will probably play Gareth Barry at left back, despite the fact that Gareth Barry has been playing in midfield for the last few years. Maybe this is because Matt Taylor is gay, a generally acknowleged truth, and Steve Maclaren is a backward homophobe; another generally acknowleged truth. Ooh, get me.

Here's to Javi

It has just been announced that Javier Mascherano has joined Liverpool on loan, somehow bending FIFA's two-clubs-a-year-max rule. But this is a good thing. Over the last few months, poor old Javi has been well and truly done in the preverbial. I only hope it isn't about to happen again.

Javi was the victim of one of the most bizarre transfers of all time, explained in an article that recently popped on this usually in-the-know site. Over the past few months I have heard similar doing the rounds in the pubs near Upton Park. The basic jist- while Tevez is allowed to play as much as he likes, Mascherano's contract was cut of a thoroghly more cynical cloth. If Mascherano exceeded a certain ammount of games for the club, West Ham had to cough up an awful lot of cash.

When Joorabchian's takeover bid failed, Mascherano was left as the unwanted sweetener that hadn't sweetened much at all. The money was due to Joorabchian, who saw himself as the future owner of the Hammers- therefore making any 'payment' a bit like paying yourself. But as he didn't buy the club, the deal made absolutely no financial sense for the new Icelandic owners. Ergo, Mascherano hasn't even made the bench for the past dozen games, whilst Nigel Quashie started our last few games in defensive midfield.

The moral of the story: Allowing a person, or a business to own a player is a thoroghly horrible idea, and has resulted in an extremely talented young footballer being moved to another country for nothing. Hopefully a similar move isn't being mooted at Liverpool, although they couldprobably afford the cash. If FIFA kick up a fuss about Mascherano moving to Liverpool, without saying anything about it being ok that a footballer is owned by a third party, they are a bunch of prats.

And yes, I did think this whole thing was a good idea a few months back. I was wrong.

Who?!

You couldn't write it, you really couldn't. Villa have snapped up Carew, West Ham got Lurce Neill, and Big Sam...has pull off the coup of the century by signing not only Lubomir Michalik, but Zoltan Harsanyi too! Of course he has!

Return flight to Bratislava: £34.99
Pint of Zlatý Bažant: 75p
Bolton's transfer policy: Priceless

One for the Stattos

Found a great site today, which steers a statistical path through all the current transfer lunacy by putting everything into tables. Papers are rated on their accuracy, teams have tables relating to who has been most linked to them, and the latest transfers are all logged as they happen.

Where else could you find out that Alan Gow of Falkirk is currently the second most linked player in the country? Seriously though, this is an enjoyable browse.

Football Transfer League

My Balls Are 1!

As with most birthdays, i'm a day late with this one, but hey ho. Benji's Balls has been strutting the hallowed touchline of footballing shits and giggles for a year now. To celebrate, here's a collection of of my more inspired moments:

I warned the world off Benni McCarthy
what happened: Blackburn bought him, worked out pretty well

I predicted Kerrea Gilbert and Arturo Lupoli to graduate from the current Arsenal kiddie crop, whilst predicting Fabregas wouldn't make it
what happened: Gilbert on loan at Cardiff, Lupoli off to Derby, Fabregas a God.

I rubbished an Observer article suggesting Brazil would underachieve at the World Cup
What happened: Brazil underachieved

I tipped Carragher to be England's defensive midfield solution (I mean really...)
What happened: Turns out Hargreaves is ace.

I worked out the secret philosophical formula behind international success
What happened: I woke up, and vowed never to blog drunk again.

Many thanks, and do keep tuning in.

Benji 'Nostradamus' Lanyado

Happy New Year!

Happy New year to you all. To celebrate the birth of 2007, here's a picture of Joleon Lescott- proud owner of the wierdest and largest forehead in the Premiership.

Crouch the Parrot

When things like this happen, I realise why life really is an anadulterated joy. Here's some pics from the Liverpool Xmas party.

First up, Sami Hyppia as Zorro:


Second, Dirk Kuyt as Superman:


My personal favourite, Luis Garcia as Huggy Bear:


Finally, joy, joy and more joy. Further confirming that he is quite possibly the best value human being on the planet, Peter Crouch turned up as a giant parrot:

And the best team in the world is...

Internacional. Obviously. Second went to Barcelona, thrid to Al-Ahly. Obviously. What a load of doggy doo. link

I hereby declare never again to talk/think/write about the FIFA World Club Cup, won by Sao Paolo last year and the equally un-important Internacional yesterday. I mean really. Why do they bother. It should be a formality. Best team in Europe= best team in world. nuff said.

Ronaldinho, I'm very angry at you. How could you not beat those bunch of losers. Grr. Humbug.