Funny Ha Ha

Have to share this rather crude, but rather funny gag with you, courtesy of me old mucker Jonny:

David Beckham is returning to England to speak at Alan Ball's wake. Being a dead ball specialist he is seen as the perfect man for the job.

Red Nev, Tory Oggy and Zapa Xavi

We've been getting all political here on Benji's Balls this week, what with Fergie dabbling in politics and everything (see below). And here's some more footbolotics (© BL 2007) gems, gleaned from an article in yesterday's G-Diddy by the ever-excellent Barney Ronay:

- Cristiano Lucarelli, the Livorno striker, is the celebrity guest of honour at a UCL seminar called Money, Politics, and Violence this week.

- At the last general election Alex Ferguson posted a message on the government's website praising "two barnstorming speeches from Tony and Gordon". First name terms eh? See post below.

-Steve Ogrizovic campaigned for his local Tory candidate in 1987

-Robbie Fowler owns almost 100 houses as part of a £28m buy-to-let portfolio, despite his well documented Docker sympathies, pictured.

- Wigan manager Paul Jewell has a pet tortoise called Trotsky.

- Gary Neville has been considered a socialist (Red Nev) ever since stewarded a revolt in the England dressing room over Rio Ferdinand's drug test ban. Tenuous, but catchy.

- Xavier Zanetti convinced Inter Milan to donate €5,000 to help Zapatista rebels in Mexico.

Well hows about that eh? Best bit of the article comes when Ronay tries to pin down Eric Cantona's political tendencies, quoting from his autobiography:

"Perhaps you may find it odd that I think happiness does not come from being able to buy a car that one wants," he challenged in his autobiography, before reminding us that "the woods are full of bows and arrows"

Vote Fergie

Smashing performance by Manure last night, adding no doubt to those tickling thoughts that United might just be onto something this season. Which got me thinking again about Grandpa Fergie and my theory that if Man Utd win lots this year he might retire in a blaze of glory.

Further evidence has popped up over the last few weeks. Most interestingly, Fergie seems to be dabbling in politics. It's a semi-natural progression- managing a Premiership footy team would arm any man with sufficient experience to deal with our immigrant and ASBO-infused political climate, cos, after all they're all thick, and mostly foreign. Boom boom.

Anyway. First up Fergie has been trumpeting the Scottish Unionist cause, taking on Sean Connery in a battle of the Sirs. Second, now this is fascinating, Alex Ferguson has been taking lessons from Al Gore on how to save the planet. Vote Fergie!

Jose Mourinho: Omnipitent, Omniscient, Omnipresent.

This is probably my favourite story of the year so far. An 'inside source' has revealed to the Times that in defiance of a UEFA touchline ban during a Chumps League match against Bayern a few years back, Jose Mourinho employed all sorts of black arts to get instructions to his players, including laundry baskets, bobble hats, and loudspeakers.

"For the first leg at Stamford Bridge, Mourinho arrived early enough to get in position. He watched the game on a television in the dressing-room and, during the first half, communicated to his staff in the dugout by radio or telephone. “You can get mobile reception in the dressing-room,” the source said. “It depends what network and in what room.”

At the time, television commentators spotted and commented on the fact that Rui Faria, the fitness coach, had a strange kink in his bobble hat and repeatedly scratched his ear. It was the sort of kink that could be caused by a wire and earpiece. “It was so obvious, to keep playing with your ear like that,” the source said.

Suspicious of skulduggery going on under their noses, Uefa officials went down to the tunnel, but by then the players were back in the dressing-room and listening to a team talk from their manager.

One source claims that knowing that the listening device had been rumbled, Chelsea simply used more rudimentary communication in the second half. It was noted at the time that Silvinho Louro, the goalkeeping coach, made several trips back to the dressing-room. “He’s a nervous spectator,” a source close to Mourinho joked at the time, but Louro kept coming back with bits of paper that were passed to the other coaches. Whatever the pieces of paper contained, they tended to coincide with substitutions.

Mourinho was not waiting for the players at the end of the match, which Chelsea won 4-2, because he had already allegedly clambered into one of the kit skips. He was wheeled out of the dressing-room by members of the backroom staff and, it is believed, back into the leisure club in the Chelsea Village hotel at the ground, where it had been reported that he spent the entire evening.

In a passable impression of Inspector Clouseau, Uefa’s hapless officials left none the wiser. Insiders claim Mourinho was so thrilled that he joked openly about his trip in the skip in front of his players at training the next morning.

In the second leg, at the Olympic Stadium in Munich, there was a greater risk of detection if he tried to enter the dressing-room. The sources allege that Mourinho went into the stands to watch but, apparently flustered by the close attention of a camera crew, he quickly departed for the team hotel.

The privacy might have been useful. The Timeshas been told that a speaker had been set up in the dressing-room so that he could talk to the players over the telephone at half-time. “There was a massive speaker,” a source said. “José was at the hotel.” Uefa’s representatives had surpassed themselves yet again by approaching Faria to check if there was anything under his hat. There wasn’t.

In a recent biography to which Mourinho contributed, he boasted about how he overcame a touchline ban during his days at FC Porto by sending messages to his assistants from his seat in the stands via “a small, sophisticated telecommunications device”. He even listed the precise instructions, which included: “Tell Deco [the Porto midfield player] I’m p****d off, I want more!” and, “Pressure on linesman, everybody.”" [The Times]

You've got to hand it to him. If you're wandering what a Jose teamtalk sounds like, listen to a recently recorded one here.

Italian Neutrality

This is brilliant. Imagine Motty and Sir Trev doing this...

Fergie and Jose in Faustian Pact?

Now here's a thought. If Manure and Chelski both get to the Champion's League final...what's the betting that in a Peter Kenyon-inspired bit of back-of-the-alley skulduggery they do a deal? Chelsea ease off and let United take the title, whilst Chelsea are given the Chumps League?

Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. Just a thought though.

And here's another. If United win the double, or, nay, the treble, then surely Fergie will retire, no? He threatened to do so after the 99 treble but didn't. If I was Fergie I would retire in a blaze of glory. If he does I said it first, ok.

One more thought then i'm done. Chris Coleman was sacked last night, in somewhat of a surprise. Truth is, it shouldn't have been a surprise, it only was because he's a top fella. Then it hit me, all the 'top fellas' in football tend to be a bit rubbish, and consequently disposed of. See Pardew at West Ham, Ranieri at Chelscum, and Keegan at England. Ergo, if you want a successful manager, employ a knob. See Mourinho and Ferguson. And I'm spent.

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GO ON SON, GO ON!!!
The Twisted Tale of John Obi Mikel

Just to let y'all know, I'm going to be guest posting for Jaunted's first Embedded Travel Guide series for the next few weeks, so do nip over and have a look.

I'm covering the small provincial town of London. The first post is on The Great Tube debate, unveiling the results of an emailed question I unleashed upon my address book last week. Best reply was from my good friend Karen Fransman:

"The Northern line still holds a special place in my heart. Very much like an old, flea ridden dog that should have been taken round the shed and shot in the head long, long ago."

Couldn't agree more.

Centurion!

Well I never, tis my hundredth post, which in the blogosphere is quite the celebration. I'd like to thank a few people.

First of all, I'd like to thank South American football for being ridiculous, as we saw here, here, and here.

I'd also like to thank Joey Cole for being a hero, and for becoming a man in front of our very eyes.

I'd like to thank Tevez and Mascherano for getting me all excited.

I'd like to thank Graham Taylor for being such a buffoon by lamenting the ammount of foreigners in the Premiership, and generally just talking in public.

Finally, and most importantly, I'd like to thank Peter Crouch for being strangely sized, singing the hotstepper, and dressing up as a parrot.

Here's to another hundred!

Ronaldo Chased by Angry Thugs

Cracking picture of Ronaldo being pursued by Brett Emerton and Christopher Samba in today's Grauniad. Went to the trouble of scanning the bugger for you lot. Enjoy. Hats of to Matthew Peters at Getty. Click to englarge (i think).

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