Congratulations

Dear Mr Barwick

My I congratulate you on the appointment of Steve McClaren to the position of Head Coach of the national football team.

Firstly I would like to applaud the exemplary management of the appointment process. The way in which you decided to announce a manager before the world cup was visionary its automatic disqualification of the majority of current top class international coaches.

Also I would like to direct particular praise towards the decision to announce to the press that the F.A. would be travelling to Portugal to discuss the job with Philip Scolari. The Brazilian coach’s true colours were demonstrated by the fact that he could not handle the attention of our respectful and fawning media, despite the fact that we introduced the two before any decision had been made. In any case, who needs a World Cup winner when you’ve got a Carling Cup winner on your doorstep?

Your inspired insulation of the issue to within the corridors of the FA is also to be commended, as the frequently-suggested notion that the decision should be made by the so-called ‘experts’ who have experience in international management is clearly wide of the mark. For goodness sake, you are the head of the F.A., who can possibly know more about the game than you?!

Further congratulations are in order for the clear and consistent desire to appoint Mr. McClaren to the post. I’m glad I was not the only one to notice the imperious way in which he disposed of Nuneaton Borough in the FA Cup replay at the Riverside.

McClaren’s flexibility is also to be praised. Not only did he put up with the fact that you pretended that Scolari was your first choice (good one by the way-chortle) but the manner in which he outmanoeuvred the season ticket flung in his direction by a Middlesbrough fan earlier in the season was simply sublime. The fact that the Boro fans interviewed today displayed little disappointment at seeing him leave truly was testament to the respect and adoration he has nurtured this season. Your announcement that the decision was unanimous and that good old Steve had been the favoured choice all along vindicated my belief that the thousands of pounds and spent and considerable domestic disruption caused was merely an elaborate ruse.

Finally I feel your specific declaration that McClaren’s appointment had been done in the name of ‘continuity’ was right on the nail. Why bother changing a winning formula? Do the media not realise just how well this team has done in the past few years? If it wasn’t for those cheating Brazilians and Portuguese and French and Northern Irish and that Danish referee and Faria Alam and the Greeks and Arsene Wenger and the Communists our national team would be perched at the very top of the footballing hierarchy, as it should be.

So Brian, tonight I will raise a glass to yourself. Long may your reign continue.

Yours Sincerily
Benji Lanyado

p.s. Have you lost weight?