To Me, To You....

cheers to Hugh for this.

Fat Ron, Fat Ron, and the curse of the Galactico

So all the papers seem to be teasing poor old Ronald 'Pilsbury Dough Boy' Inho for the healthy little paunch he's developed around his mid-section.

Well my friends, although i've touched on this before, this is the predictable case of the 'curse of the Galactico'. In brief:

"Once a player has won blooming everything, he'll inevitably decline in form, and perhaps fitness, as there isn't really much for him to fight for any more. Know what I mean?" Benji Lanyado 2006

You see, good old Fat Ron has won it all: Lots of Leagues, The Chumps League, World Player of the Year etc... And rather like the Fat Ron before him (Ronaldo- except he never won the Chumps, but won the WC virtually single-handedly in 2002) quite understandably he isn't as arsed as he used to be.

Well I say fair play to the little fatso, put your feet up mate...maybe he could put them up on all the history books his name will be indellibly inscribed in forever more, regardless of what he does for the rest of his career. Make his a large.

The Future of Light Entertainment

Yes my football-afflicted friends...behold the future. Actually this is slightly plagiarised from an 8 Brook Rd, Manchester prototype, but now is the time to tell the world. We've all been there...two matches on at the same time...?!!! Woe!

Fear not. Simply uses two TVs,one hooked up to the Digi skart, one to a normal aerial. Voila: multi-screen Champions League Tuesday. Thus I was able to see Lille make absolute tits out of themselves, and see Arsenal lose ....at the same time (if your mother only knew...boomedeboom)

You're welcome.

Random Relegation

Here's a quick one for any of you who are feeling the depressing pinch of imminent relegation. We're not alone. In fact, a brief glance across the European leagues reveals a veritable rash of imminent random relegation.



Germany: Hamburg
Finished 3rd last year, now sitting second from bottom

France: Nantes Atlantique
Won the league in 2001, also now second bottom

Spain: Real Sociedad
Finished 2nd in 2003, now second bottom too.

Italy: Parma
Won UEFA Cup in 99, finished 2nd in 97, now...second bottom

And then of course there's always Leeds...who seem to be on the verge of fucking it in spectacular fashion...Chumps League semis in 2001...now bottom of the Championship.

So my fellow Irons, every cloud eh? I'm off to drink White Ace on a street corner...but in a positive way.

McClaren & Brown in 'Same Person' Shock!!!

McClaren:
"Chortle. You know what's great...? I'll tell you. This totally un-creepy media smile i've developed is completely covering up the fact that i'm shitting it. Thank God for all that media training from Max"






Brown:
"Titter. Wow! This totaly un-creepy media smile i've nailed in the last few years is totally covering up the fact that i'm shitting it. Thank God for all that media training from Pete and Ali"





Anyone? Anyone?

In Defence of Catania...

Italy's collective responsibilty thang when it comes to dealing with their frequent footballing skulduggery does my head in. The whole league was delayed for a few weeks at the beginning of the season so that Juventus and the others could be punished for match-fixing, meaning everyone had to deal with the fixture congestion and lack of projected revenue because of what had gone on at only four of the league's clubs. And then they let Fiorentina and Milan off anyway.

A bunch of pricks kill a policeman in Catania, suddenly both clubs (Palermo is the other one) are the devil's football teams, and the whole league is abandoned again. Because of a bunch of pricks.

For the record, Catania is a really nice city. If you're arsed, here's a writeup i did. I also had a thoroghly lovely footballing experience there, described here. This is the man i went to the game with, who was a lovely chap:


..and here's the fans being excited, which is nice too (click to enlarge):

A bunch of thugs do not define an island, or even it's football teams, just like a bunch of currupt businessmen do not describe the whole league. Why not hit the perpetrators hard, and let the rest get on with it eh? Maybe it's a bit of karma that Italy won the World Cup.

--------------------------------
in other news...Ashley Cole and Wayne Bridge are injured, and somehow Steve Maclaren decides not to call up Matt Taylor, and will probably play Gareth Barry at left back, despite the fact that Gareth Barry has been playing in midfield for the last few years. Maybe this is because Matt Taylor is gay, a generally acknowleged truth, and Steve Maclaren is a backward homophobe; another generally acknowleged truth. Ooh, get me.

Here's to Javi

It has just been announced that Javier Mascherano has joined Liverpool on loan, somehow bending FIFA's two-clubs-a-year-max rule. But this is a good thing. Over the last few months, poor old Javi has been well and truly done in the preverbial. I only hope it isn't about to happen again.

Javi was the victim of one of the most bizarre transfers of all time, explained in an article that recently popped on this usually in-the-know site. Over the past few months I have heard similar doing the rounds in the pubs near Upton Park. The basic jist- while Tevez is allowed to play as much as he likes, Mascherano's contract was cut of a thoroghly more cynical cloth. If Mascherano exceeded a certain ammount of games for the club, West Ham had to cough up an awful lot of cash.

When Joorabchian's takeover bid failed, Mascherano was left as the unwanted sweetener that hadn't sweetened much at all. The money was due to Joorabchian, who saw himself as the future owner of the Hammers- therefore making any 'payment' a bit like paying yourself. But as he didn't buy the club, the deal made absolutely no financial sense for the new Icelandic owners. Ergo, Mascherano hasn't even made the bench for the past dozen games, whilst Nigel Quashie started our last few games in defensive midfield.

The moral of the story: Allowing a person, or a business to own a player is a thoroghly horrible idea, and has resulted in an extremely talented young footballer being moved to another country for nothing. Hopefully a similar move isn't being mooted at Liverpool, although they couldprobably afford the cash. If FIFA kick up a fuss about Mascherano moving to Liverpool, without saying anything about it being ok that a footballer is owned by a third party, they are a bunch of prats.

And yes, I did think this whole thing was a good idea a few months back. I was wrong.

Who?!

You couldn't write it, you really couldn't. Villa have snapped up Carew, West Ham got Lurce Neill, and Big Sam...has pull off the coup of the century by signing not only Lubomir Michalik, but Zoltan Harsanyi too! Of course he has!

Return flight to Bratislava: £34.99
Pint of Zlatý Bažant: 75p
Bolton's transfer policy: Priceless

One for the Stattos

Found a great site today, which steers a statistical path through all the current transfer lunacy by putting everything into tables. Papers are rated on their accuracy, teams have tables relating to who has been most linked to them, and the latest transfers are all logged as they happen.

Where else could you find out that Alan Gow of Falkirk is currently the second most linked player in the country? Seriously though, this is an enjoyable browse.

Football Transfer League

My Balls Are 1!

As with most birthdays, i'm a day late with this one, but hey ho. Benji's Balls has been strutting the hallowed touchline of footballing shits and giggles for a year now. To celebrate, here's a collection of of my more inspired moments:

I warned the world off Benni McCarthy
what happened: Blackburn bought him, worked out pretty well

I predicted Kerrea Gilbert and Arturo Lupoli to graduate from the current Arsenal kiddie crop, whilst predicting Fabregas wouldn't make it
what happened: Gilbert on loan at Cardiff, Lupoli off to Derby, Fabregas a God.

I rubbished an Observer article suggesting Brazil would underachieve at the World Cup
What happened: Brazil underachieved

I tipped Carragher to be England's defensive midfield solution (I mean really...)
What happened: Turns out Hargreaves is ace.

I worked out the secret philosophical formula behind international success
What happened: I woke up, and vowed never to blog drunk again.

Many thanks, and do keep tuning in.

Benji 'Nostradamus' Lanyado

Happy New Year!

Happy New year to you all. To celebrate the birth of 2007, here's a picture of Joleon Lescott- proud owner of the wierdest and largest forehead in the Premiership.

Crouch the Parrot

When things like this happen, I realise why life really is an anadulterated joy. Here's some pics from the Liverpool Xmas party.

First up, Sami Hyppia as Zorro:


Second, Dirk Kuyt as Superman:


My personal favourite, Luis Garcia as Huggy Bear:


Finally, joy, joy and more joy. Further confirming that he is quite possibly the best value human being on the planet, Peter Crouch turned up as a giant parrot:

And the best team in the world is...

Internacional. Obviously. Second went to Barcelona, thrid to Al-Ahly. Obviously. What a load of doggy doo. link

I hereby declare never again to talk/think/write about the FIFA World Club Cup, won by Sao Paolo last year and the equally un-important Internacional yesterday. I mean really. Why do they bother. It should be a formality. Best team in Europe= best team in world. nuff said.

Ronaldinho, I'm very angry at you. How could you not beat those bunch of losers. Grr. Humbug.

Take that Primera Liga

For a while now it has been fairly obious...yet I feel it need's the Benji's Balls seal of approval:
THE PREMIERSHIP SHITS ON SIRIA A AND THE PRIMERA LIGA (AND THE BUNDASLIGA CAN PISS OFF TOO)!!

Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man Utd....all won their Chumps League groups. Spurs, Blackburn, and eve bloody Newcastle all won their UEFA cup groups. Pretty good. I reckon we're gonna win the World Cup. There, I've said it.

p.s. This may or may not be interesting, but I found the Champions League draw a bit spooky. This may be tenuous:

Liverpool Vs Barca: The last two winners play eachother

Man Utd. Vs Lille: United play the team who virtually knocked them out last year

Chelsea Vs Porto: Mourinho returns to former club

Real Madrid Vs Bayern: Played eachother in knockout stages in four out of last seven tournaments

Inter Vs Valencia: Involved in player and manager transfers a few years back; Hector Cuper, Kily Gonzalez and Farinos all went from Valencia to Inter

Arsenal Vs PSV: Van Persie returns to former club (ok this one is a bit shit)

Anyone who can make a Lyon-Roma or Celtic-AC Milan link wins a prize...

Curbs in, and NRC feigns a push...

So Alan Curbishley is confirmed as the new West Ham manager. I guess following an Alan with an Alan saves on paperwork.

In the press conference one of the questions fired at him was the status of Nigel Reo Coker, rebuffed with a 'let's wait and see' type comment. Since me and Stubbsy's little chat last week on 606 the 'what's going on with NRC' debate has gathered pace.

Firstly was Stubbsy's comment on Match of the Day on Saturday night, "West Ham fans tell me that Reo-Coker's not playing well"... in a way this was me being on MOTD. Well that's what I told my mum anyway.

Yesterday Matt Scott wrote an excellent piece in the Grauniad in which he directly mentioned NRC's loss of form, the first national to pin-pointed the issue, and linked it to Arsenal's bid before the window closed, as I did on 606. It's all linked to me you see.

Today, NRC is atributed to a statement in which he fears for his future, stating "everyone keeps saying I should be sacked and it's all my fault we've been doing so badly." Read the mini-statement here. Doth I hear the unmistakeably dim sounds of 'I was pushed, I didn't jump..honest' rhetoric? Idiot.

Indirectly, I am probably responsible for everything that has happened at West Ham this week. And New Labour's re-election. Polonium 210 nothing to do with me though, I prefer cyanide.

And I am also the woman who Pardew had an affair with...the sub-plot to everything that has been going on at Upton Park recently. I'm actually serious on this one. Not being the woman, but the affair...this has been silenced in the press because of an ongoing court case and 'death' threats. Trust me. Will be in the papers soon. V murky indeed.

yours,
Benji 'Svengali' Magnusson.

Official: Benj and Stubbsy Best Mates

At 10.52 tonight me and Ray Stubbs had a quiet chat on the 606 phone-in. National radio my friends.

Link here Fast forward to 52 minutes and listen to me go.

West Hamasson: The Verdict

So, West Ham have been bought by Periluigi Collina's dad. And it turns out he's an Icelandic bloke who goes by the name of Magnusson. Anyway, this has been, for obvious reason, a situation I have followed closely... voici mon observations:

- This is the lesser of two evils. In fact the Magnusson consortium doesn't seem that evil at all. The bloke has been the head of the Icelandic FA, and clearly knows his football. His financier, Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson, has an ever so slightly 80s track record, but name me someone who got rich in the 80s who hasn't.

- The Joorabchian consortium was fucked from the moment Caborn and the Olympic comittee all but ruled out a move to the Olympic stadium after 2012. Joorabchian's Israeli financier Eli Papouchado is first and foremost a property developer, and had his eyes on the Upton Park real estate.

- Don't expect Yossi Benayoun to stick around for too long. His agent, or should I say superagent Pinhas Zahavi, was due to be the Joorabchian dealbroker, having arranged Chelsea's sale to Roman Abramovic, and been heavily involved in Joorabchian's skulduggery at Corinthians (he is due half of any fee they receive for Carlos Alberto, the ex-Porto midfielder due to move to Europe soon). Yossi was recently tied down to a contract until 2011 by West Ham...they knew what they were doing, I believe his tenure at West Ham was conditional on the deal. At least now we'll get some decent dough. This is a real shame, Benayoun is a brilliant player.

-Jesus I feel sorry for Mascherano and Tevez, the poor guys are pawns in this whole thing. Surely they won't be staying for long now that father-figure Joorabchian is out of the equation. This said, I reckon Tevez will stay, and Mascherano will go in January.

So. Done deal. I was getting a little bored to be honest. I'm off to make a fortune selling biscuits...

Join Me.

Sorry for lack of blogs, I've been pretty busy (I'm as surprised as you are). Anyway, thought I'd let you know that fat-bloke Paddy Kenny getting his eyebrow bitten off by ONE OF HIS MATES(!) was in fact only the second funniest thing to happen in football over the last few weeks...

Last monday an FA Cup game between Macclesfield and Walsall was disrupted when some absolute genius, perhaps inspired by Bud's "added-time multi-ball" advert, kicked 36 balls onto the pitch from outside the ground. Incredibly, despite scouring the web, I cannot fnd a video of this event, but trust me it was hillarious.

Anyway, I feel that blustery night up north was the beginning of something important. Very important. Football's equivalent of flash-mobbing...totally legal, totally bizarre, totally hillarious. Maybe it'll be called "ball-clogging" or "flash- balling", who knows. Either way I'm in.

***Please let me know if you want to join my "flash-balling" gang"*** email details on left. probably have to be London based. more details to follow.

Because I Feel Like It

Charlton travel to Chesterfield tonight in the 4th round of the League Cup. Iain Dowie bloody loves playing away up north in the 4th round of the League Cup...just look at this:

Don't Patronise me - I'm Russian or Brazillian (or possibly Dutch or Scottish)

Apologies for dearth of posts, have been moving mansion. I now live in the heart of Arsenal territory. What was I thinking.

Anyway, special sorry to me old bud Owen Shackman, who having accompanied me to Russia a few weeks ago, has blessed us all with a hotdiggidydamn post on Russian football, inspired in part by our trip to see the mighty Zenit St Petersburg shit on a Gary O'Conner 'inspired' (scored, a cracker actually) Lokomotiv Moscow. Take it away Shack...

“…on the night they had been consistently beaten to the punch by an efficient, effective and perhaps underrated outfit.”

Above are the words from www.Arsenal.com describing Arsenal’s defeat in Moscow to CSKA (or say-ass-ka loosely phoneticised from the Russian). In my experience, this considered approach (by Arsenal.com) to analyzing Russian football is somewhat of an anomaly in the world of football journalism, publications and newspapers instead acting on hunch that “’cos they’re from Russia, they’re probably not as good”.

The “casual” attitude towards Russian teams that the CSKA goalkeeper Igor Akinfeev observed is reflected in The Times’s Champions League preview, predicting Arsenal to finish top of the group, CSKA bottom, which instantly surprised me – Champions of Russia, UEFA Cup Winners in 2005 (something even the mighty Arsenal failed to achieve), six full Russian and three new Brazil internationals – obviously don’t stand a chance then do they? It therefore does not surprise me to find CSKA top of the group and in a tremendous position to qualify for the next stage where they will undoubtedly be written off as a “surprise package”. Pipe down Tyldesley, steady on Rosenthal – give these boys the respect they deserve.

I am of course fairly biased, having studied and lived in Russia, but as an Arsenal fan, I found myself with mixed feelings at kick off at 5.30 nearly two weeks ago. I was almost willing CSKA on to get a goal and show these quick-to-judge newspapers and TV reporters that these Ruskies can play. Having witnessed Daniel Carvalho lash in his free kick, my Russia-loving side soon abated and I wanted my boys to show those “shivering Brazilians” (another Tyldesley classic) a thing or two. Sixty-six minutes and one bad decision later, we were beaten, but still sitting fairly pretty in the group.

I awaited the nonsense that was to spill from the mouths of presenters and the back pages of tabloids and broadsheets alike. The Times, to be honest, reported fairly, despite the atrociously dramatic Napoleonic parallel, describing Arsenal as making “a hasty retreat” – oh and please get shot of the “Arsenal frozen out in Moscow” headlines – you are paid to think up something better than that. As a follower of CSKA and a fan of Arsenal, I feel able to make the observation that CSKA were just better than us on the day – Dudu was allowed to dominate midfield due to Gilberto’s below par performance, Vagner Love played the lone hit man up top admirably and Carvalho provided excellent support. The Berezutskiy brothers were solid, the full backs probing.

My vitriol has somewhat abated after that mini-rant, so I will talk about my first team in Russia – the mighty dark blues, light blues and whites of Zenit St Petersburg. Having lived in Peter (that’s what us locals call it don’t ya know) for five months in 2005, I have a strong affinity with the place and with its football team. St Petersburg, the fourth biggest city in Europe (just under 5 million residents), has but one big team, as opposed to Moscow’s eight teams from the capital or the surrounding Moscow region. This means that all of Peter is Zenit mad, her people caught in a bubble inflated by the poster boys Andrei Arshavin and Alexander (Sasha) Kerzhakov, (both of whom often lead the line for Russia – keep an eye out) the latter of whom recently broke SPB hearts by getting married. If rumours are to believed, Spurs and Middlesbrough both had £6 million bids turned down over the summer for Kerzhakov’s services – a reflection of how highly rated and treasured he is.

If you look on the BBC Sport website, I’m sure you will be intrigued to note that SV Red Bull Salzburg are seven points clear at the top of the Austrian league, while we are all acutely ignorant of the fact that with five games to go, the Russian league is presently a four-horse race – with Zenit, ridden by Dick Advocaat looking to make a last-minute dash for glory. And they may well do it – a convincing 4-1 win against second placed Lokomotiv on Sunday 22nd October at a packed Petrovski Stadium certainly gave fans hope.

The game itself represented what is so good about football in Russia currently. The fans went absolutely mental, unveiling huge flags and banners from what seemed like nowhere, held up their scarves and swayed in union, chanting ‘ma-lat-si’ (‘clever boy’) after every goal, and ‘ve-perriod-piter’ (‘onwards/forwards Peter’) as they witnessed their team put a lackluster Lokomotiv to the sword. Arshavin was the architect, a Rosicky-esque player, who roamed a five man midfield, supported by the excellent defensive work of Fernando Ricksen, the banished Rangers player, making life intensely difficult for Lokomotiv to take any control. It was Arshavin’s corner that allowed the lumbering liability Norweigan centre back Hagen to glance a header beyond Polyakov for the opening goal, and Arshavin was soon in the goals himself, judging the offside line perfectly, before lashing the ball into the goalkeeper’s top right corner to make it 2-0 on the stroke of half time. The second half saw the rested Kerzhakov come off the bench, who quickly supplied the cut back (albeit slightly deflected) for Igor Denisov to blast the result from doubt just after the hour.

The introduction of Gary O’Connor for Lokomotiv was of intense interest, and he certainly belied any family problems he may be having, dispatching a tremendous volley into the far side of Malafeev’s goal. Fantastic stuff. Kerzhakov wasn’t finished however, and won a penalty in injury time that was easily converted by the excellent Spivak. If you don’t believe me, check out the highlights on YouTube.


Dick Advocaat has to an extent got Zenit organized into a good side. They play the ball on the floor, and as is the Russian way, will always prioritize attack over defence. This is something Guus Hiddink quickly understood as the new Russia manager, and he has led his new team to an undefeated start to qualification, my boy Arshavin playing an important role in Russia’s 5 points from three games. My advice is, England, don’t expect unless you have done your homework – that will be the difference between England licking their wounds or celebrating just under a year from now.