It has just been announced that Javier Mascherano has joined Liverpool on loan, somehow bending FIFA's two-clubs-a-year-max rule. But this is a good thing. Over the last few months, poor old Javi has been well and truly done in the preverbial. I only hope it isn't about to happen again.
Javi was the victim of one of the most bizarre transfers of all time, explained in an article that recently popped on this usually in-the-know site. Over the past few months I have heard similar doing the rounds in the pubs near Upton Park. The basic jist- while Tevez is allowed to play as much as he likes, Mascherano's contract was cut of a thoroghly more cynical cloth. If Mascherano exceeded a certain ammount of games for the club, West Ham had to cough up an awful lot of cash.
When Joorabchian's takeover bid failed, Mascherano was left as the unwanted sweetener that hadn't sweetened much at all. The money was due to Joorabchian, who saw himself as the future owner of the Hammers- therefore making any 'payment' a bit like paying yourself. But as he didn't buy the club, the deal made absolutely no financial sense for the new Icelandic owners. Ergo, Mascherano hasn't even made the bench for the past dozen games, whilst Nigel Quashie started our last few games in defensive midfield.
The moral of the story: Allowing a person, or a business to own a player is a thoroghly horrible idea, and has resulted in an extremely talented young footballer being moved to another country for nothing. Hopefully a similar move isn't being mooted at Liverpool, although they couldprobably afford the cash. If FIFA kick up a fuss about Mascherano moving to Liverpool, without saying anything about it being ok that a footballer is owned by a third party, they are a bunch of prats.
And yes, I did think this whole thing was a good idea a few months back. I was wrong.
You couldn't write it, you really couldn't. Villa have snapped up Carew, West Ham got Lurce Neill, and Big Sam...has pull off the coup of the century by signing not only Lubomir Michalik, but Zoltan Harsanyi too! Of course he has!
Return flight to Bratislava: £34.99 Pint of Zlatý Bažant: 75p Bolton's transfer policy: Priceless
Found a great site today, which steers a statistical path through all the current transfer lunacy by putting everything into tables. Papers are rated on their accuracy, teams have tables relating to who has been most linked to them, and the latest transfers are all logged as they happen.
Where else could you find out that Alan Gow of Falkirk is currently the second most linked player in the country? Seriously though, this is an enjoyable browse.
As with most birthdays, i'm a day late with this one, but hey ho. Benji's Balls has been strutting the hallowed touchline of footballing shits and giggles for a year now. To celebrate, here's a collection of of my more inspired moments:
Happy New year to you all. To celebrate the birth of 2007, here's a picture of Joleon Lescott- proud owner of the wierdest and largest forehead in the Premiership.
When things like this happen, I realise why life really is an anadulterated joy. Here's some pics from the Liverpool Xmas party.
First up, Sami Hyppia as Zorro:
Second, Dirk Kuyt as Superman:
My personal favourite, Luis Garcia as Huggy Bear:
Finally, joy, joy and more joy. Further confirming that he is quite possibly the best value human being on the planet, Peter Crouch turned up as a giant parrot:
Internacional. Obviously. Second went to Barcelona, thrid to Al-Ahly. Obviously. What a load of doggy doo. link
I hereby declare never again to talk/think/write about the FIFA World Club Cup, won by Sao Paolo last year and the equally un-important Internacional yesterday. I mean really. Why do they bother. It should be a formality. Best team in Europe= best team in world. nuff said.
Ronaldinho, I'm very angry at you. How could you not beat those bunch of losers. Grr. Humbug.
For a while now it has been fairly obious...yet I feel it need's the Benji's Balls seal of approval: THE PREMIERSHIP SHITS ON SIRIA A AND THE PRIMERA LIGA (AND THE BUNDASLIGA CAN PISS OFF TOO)!!
Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man Utd....all won their Chumps League groups. Spurs, Blackburn, and eve bloody Newcastle all won their UEFA cup groups. Pretty good. I reckon we're gonna win the World Cup. There, I've said it.
p.s. This may or may not be interesting, but I found the Champions League draw a bit spooky. This may be tenuous:
Liverpool Vs Barca: The last two winners play eachother
Man Utd. Vs Lille: United play the team who virtually knocked them out last year Chelsea Vs Porto: Mourinho returns to former club Real Madrid Vs Bayern: Played eachother in knockout stages in four out of last seven tournaments Inter Vs Valencia: Involved in player and manager transfers a few years back; Hector Cuper, Kily Gonzalez and Farinos all went from Valencia to Inter
Arsenal Vs PSV: Van Persie returns to former club (ok this one is a bit shit)
Anyone who can make a Lyon-Roma or Celtic-AC Milan link wins a prize...
So Alan Curbishley is confirmed as the new West Ham manager. I guess following an Alan with an Alan saves on paperwork.
In the press conference one of the questions fired at him was the status of Nigel Reo Coker, rebuffed with a 'let's wait and see' type comment. Since me and Stubbsy's little chat last week on 606 the 'what's going on with NRC' debate has gathered pace.
Firstly was Stubbsy's comment on Match of the Day on Saturday night, "West Ham fans tell me that Reo-Coker's not playing well"... in a way this was me being on MOTD. Well that's what I told my mum anyway.
Yesterday Matt Scott wrote an excellent piece in the Grauniad in which he directly mentioned NRC's loss of form, the first national to pin-pointed the issue, and linked it to Arsenal's bid before the window closed, as I did on 606. It's all linked to me you see.
Today, NRC is atributed to a statement in which he fears for his future, stating "everyone keeps saying I should be sacked and it's all my fault we've been doing so badly." Read the mini-statement here. Doth I hear the unmistakeably dim sounds of 'I was pushed, I didn't jump..honest' rhetoric? Idiot.
Indirectly, I am probably responsible for everything that has happened at West Ham this week. And New Labour's re-election. Polonium 210 nothing to do with me though, I prefer cyanide.
And I am also the woman who Pardew had an affair with...the sub-plot to everything that has been going on at Upton Park recently. I'm actually serious on this one. Not being the woman, but the affair...this has been silenced in the press because of an ongoing court case and 'death' threats. Trust me. Will be in the papers soon. V murky indeed.
So, West Ham have been bought by Periluigi Collina's dad. And it turns out he's an Icelandic bloke who goes by the name of Magnusson. Anyway, this has been, for obvious reason, a situation I have followed closely... voici mon observations:
- This is the lesser of two evils. In fact the Magnusson consortium doesn't seem that evil at all. The bloke has been the head of the Icelandic FA, and clearly knows his football. His financier, Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson, has an ever so slightly 80s track record, but name me someone who got rich in the 80s who hasn't.
- The Joorabchian consortium was fucked from the moment Caborn and the Olympic comittee all but ruled out a move to the Olympic stadium after 2012. Joorabchian's Israeli financier Eli Papouchado is first and foremost a property developer, and had his eyes on the Upton Park real estate.
- Don't expect Yossi Benayoun to stick around for too long. His agent, or should I say superagent Pinhas Zahavi, was due to be the Joorabchian dealbroker, having arranged Chelsea's sale to Roman Abramovic, and been heavily involved in Joorabchian's skulduggery at Corinthians (he is due half of any fee they receive for Carlos Alberto, the ex-Porto midfielder due to move to Europe soon). Yossi was recently tied down to a contract until 2011 by West Ham...they knew what they were doing, I believe his tenure at West Ham was conditional on the deal. At least now we'll get some decent dough. This is a real shame, Benayoun is a brilliant player.
-Jesus I feel sorry for Mascherano and Tevez, the poor guys are pawns in this whole thing. Surely they won't be staying for long now that father-figure Joorabchian is out of the equation. This said, I reckon Tevez will stay, and Mascherano will go in January.
So. Done deal. I was getting a little bored to be honest. I'm off to make a fortune selling biscuits...
Sorry for lack of blogs, I've been pretty busy (I'm as surprised as you are). Anyway, thought I'd let you know that fat-bloke Paddy Kenny getting his eyebrow bitten off by ONE OF HIS MATES(!) was in fact only the second funniest thing to happen in football over the last few weeks...
Last monday an FA Cup game between Macclesfield and Walsall was disrupted when some absolute genius, perhaps inspired by Bud's "added-time multi-ball" advert, kicked 36 balls onto the pitch from outside the ground. Incredibly, despite scouring the web, I cannot fnd a video of this event, but trust me it was hillarious.
Anyway, I feel that blustery night up north was the beginning of something important. Very important. Football's equivalent of flash-mobbing...totally legal, totally bizarre, totally hillarious. Maybe it'll be called "ball-clogging" or "flash- balling", who knows. Either way I'm in.
***Please let me know if you want to join my "flash-balling" gang"*** email details on left. probably have to be London based. more details to follow.
Charlton travel to Chesterfield tonight in the 4th round of the League Cup. Iain Dowie bloody loves playing away up north in the 4th round of the League Cup...just look at this:
Apologies for dearth of posts, have been moving mansion. I now live in the heart of Arsenal territory. What was I thinking.
Anyway, special sorry to me old bud Owen Shackman, who having accompanied me to Russia a few weeks ago, has blessed us all with a hotdiggidydamn post on Russian football, inspired in part by our trip to see the mighty Zenit St Petersburg shit on a Gary O'Conner 'inspired' (scored, a cracker actually) Lokomotiv Moscow. Take it away Shack...
“…on the night they had been consistently beaten to the punch by an efficient, effective and perhaps underrated outfit.”
Above are the words from www.Arsenal.com describing Arsenal’s defeat in Moscow to CSKA (or say-ass-ka loosely phoneticised from the Russian). In my experience, this considered approach (by Arsenal.com) to analyzing Russian football is somewhat of an anomaly in the world of football journalism, publications and newspapers instead acting on hunch that “’cos they’re from Russia, they’re probably not as good”.
The “casual” attitude towards Russian teams that the CSKA goalkeeper Igor Akinfeev observed is reflected in The Times’s Champions League preview, predicting Arsenal to finish top of the group, CSKA bottom, which instantly surprised me – Champions of Russia, UEFA Cup Winners in 2005 (something even the mighty Arsenal failed to achieve), six full Russian and three new Brazil internationals – obviously don’t stand a chance then do they? It therefore does not surprise me to find CSKA top of the group and in a tremendous position to qualify for the next stage where they will undoubtedly be written off as a “surprise package”. Pipe down Tyldesley, steady on Rosenthal – give these boys the respect they deserve.
I am of course fairly biased, having studied and lived in Russia, but as an Arsenal fan, I found myself with mixed feelings at kick off at 5.30 nearly two weeks ago. I was almost willing CSKA on to get a goal and show these quick-to-judge newspapers and TV reporters that these Ruskies can play. Having witnessed Daniel Carvalho lash in his free kick, my Russia-loving side soon abated and I wanted my boys to show those “shivering Brazilians” (another Tyldesley classic) a thing or two. Sixty-six minutes and one bad decision later, we were beaten, but still sitting fairly pretty in the group.
I awaited the nonsense that was to spill from the mouths of presenters and the back pages of tabloids and broadsheets alike. The Times, to be honest, reported fairly, despite the atrociously dramatic Napoleonic parallel, describing Arsenal as making “a hasty retreat” – oh and please get shot of the “Arsenal frozen out in Moscow” headlines – you are paid to think up something better than that. As a follower of CSKA and a fan of Arsenal, I feel able to make the observation that CSKA were just better than us on the day – Dudu was allowed to dominate midfield due to Gilberto’s below par performance, Vagner Love played the lone hit man up top admirably and Carvalho provided excellent support. The Berezutskiy brothers were solid, the full backs probing.
My vitriol has somewhat abated after that mini-rant, so I will talk about my first team in Russia – the mighty dark blues, light blues and whites of Zenit St Petersburg. Having lived in Peter (that’s what us locals call it don’t ya know) for five months in 2005, I have a strong affinity with the place and with its football team. St Petersburg, the fourth biggest city in Europe (just under 5 million residents), has but one big team, as opposed to Moscow’s eight teams from the capital or the surrounding Moscow region. This means that all of Peter is Zenit mad, her people caught in a bubble inflated by the poster boys Andrei Arshavin and Alexander (Sasha) Kerzhakov, (both of whom often lead the line for Russia – keep an eye out) the latter of whom recently broke SPB hearts by getting married. If rumours are to believed, Spurs and Middlesbrough both had £6 million bids turned down over the summer for Kerzhakov’s services – a reflection of how highly rated and treasured he is.
If you look on the BBC Sport website, I’m sure you will be intrigued to note that SV Red Bull Salzburg are seven points clear at the top of the Austrian league, while we are all acutely ignorant of the fact that with five games to go, the Russian league is presently a four-horse race – with Zenit, ridden by Dick Advocaat looking to make a last-minute dash for glory. And they may well do it – a convincing 4-1 win against second placed Lokomotiv on Sunday 22nd October at a packed Petrovski Stadium certainly gave fans hope.
The game itself represented what is so good about football in Russia currently. The fans went absolutely mental, unveiling huge flags and banners from what seemed like nowhere, held up their scarves and swayed in union, chanting ‘ma-lat-si’ (‘clever boy’) after every goal, and ‘ve-perriod-piter’ (‘onwards/forwards Peter’) as they witnessed their team put a lackluster Lokomotiv to the sword. Arshavin was the architect, a Rosicky-esque player, who roamed a five man midfield, supported by the excellent defensive work of Fernando Ricksen, the banished Rangers player, making life intensely difficult for Lokomotiv to take any control. It was Arshavin’s corner that allowed the lumbering liability Norweigan centre back Hagen to glance a header beyond Polyakov for the opening goal, and Arshavin was soon in the goals himself, judging the offside line perfectly, before lashing the ball into the goalkeeper’s top right corner to make it 2-0 on the stroke of half time. The second half saw the rested Kerzhakov come off the bench, who quickly supplied the cut back (albeit slightly deflected) for Igor Denisov to blast the result from doubt just after the hour.
The introduction of Gary O’Connor for Lokomotiv was of intense interest, and he certainly belied any family problems he may be having, dispatching a tremendous volley into the far side of Malafeev’s goal. Fantastic stuff. Kerzhakov wasn’t finished however, and won a penalty in injury time that was easily converted by the excellent Spivak. If you don’t believe me, check out the highlights on YouTube.
Dick Advocaat has to an extent got Zenit organized into a good side. They play the ball on the floor, and as is the Russian way, will always prioritize attack over defence. This is something Guus Hiddink quickly understood as the new Russia manager, and he has led his new team to an undefeated start to qualification, my boy Arshavin playing an important role in Russia’s 5 points from three games. My advice is, England, don’t expect unless you have done your homework – that will be the difference between England licking their wounds or celebrating just under a year from now.
Just a quick thought. Of the managers with teams staring at the Premiership as Essex girls stare at Essex boys (on their knees, staring upwards with a tear in their eye. Sorry.) there is a common theme.
The lack of real tactical nous. Stuart Pearce screams at his team like they've just slapped his gran, Alan Pardew puts David Brent to shame with his motivational interviews, Neil Warnock is only ever a few dodgy penalty decisions away from killing someone, Aidy Boothroyd is aiming to break Mick McCarthy's record of saying 'my boys gave their all', and Glen Roeder is, well, a bit thick.
Point is, being a manager is more than just enthusiasm, passion, belief, motivation, and all those other words that might as well be on an Audi advert. Its a lot to do with tactics. Look at what Arsene Wenger did last season with a bunch of inexperienced youngsters. Look at what Alex Ferguson did in the mid-90s with the same. Didn't scream and shout and say 'we're really up for it' every five seconds.
Kevin Keegan, however, did. And failed. Despite the fact that he'd love it if Newcastle had won the league, just love it, they didn't. Kevin Keegan showed us all that without sound tactics, you won't get very far.
Boothroyd and Warnock are excused, as their teams contain a lot of chaff, but Roeder, Pardew and Pearce aren't. A manager's job isn't just to pick the team and send them out, its to dictate what they do once they are there. I'm afraid it looks as if they have been rumbled.
I'm off to shout at a chair to make it more comfortable.
...Tim Cahill! Well, it could be, since he was shortlisted for the prestigeous Ballon D'Or alongside Willy Sagnol, Florent Malouda, Vicente Medez (plays for PSV apparently), and others.
Stupid really. But got me thinking, so i had a little peak at some previous awards shortlists. The FIFA World Player of the Year is a good one, as it is voted for by international managers and captains. I had a little rummage and wasn't dissappointed. In order of ascending stupidity:
- In the 2005 voting, the Equitorial Guinea captain voted Jay Jay Okocha as the 3rd best player in the world
- In 2004 the manager of Palestine voted Milan Baros as the 3rd best player in the world.
- In 2003 the manager of Chinese Tapei voted Dado Prso as the 2nd best player in the world; his vote for 3rd went to some bloke called Takamtsu Daiki.
- In 2003 the manager of the Bahamas voted for Brad Friedel as the 3rd best player in the world
- In 2003 the the nominations by the Ghana coach went as follows: 1) Zinedine Zidane 2) Paul Freier 3) Ronaldo. Fuck knows who Paul Freir is but he must be pretty handy to be better than Ronaldo.
- In 2001 the Ukraine coach voted for 1970 World Cup hero Carlos Alberto in third.
- In 1997 the Costa Rica Coach voted for Paolo Wanchope in 1st, 2nd and 3rd.
I'm genuinely thinking of sending my Championship Manager CV to all of the above international FAs. They will clearly employ anyone.
Within 14 seconds of my last blog I was contacted by some really nice men. Totally unrelated to our conversation I have the following statement to make.
Arsene Wenger is in no way a peadophile. Nope, definitely not. In any way. In fact he hates kids. Bloody hates them.
Oh, and if you were wondering, Belgian Club Beveren are in no way a money laundering outfit for Arsenal FC.
What's that? Ok fine. I would also like to add that every time i visit Dubai I only use Emirates Airlines. The check-in process is just so convenient, and the seats are dreamy.
Just thought I'd add my voice to the club vs. country debate. By the way have you noticed how every bit of news relating to this issue starts with "_____ has added their voice to the club vs. country debate..." Surely if you ever say anything you're 'adding your voice' to something? Is a news reporter 'adding his voice' to broadcast journalism? Are the Sugababes 'adding their voice' to popular music? /discuss.
I digress. Anyway, Arsene "I didn't see the incident" Wenger was wingeing about the busy international schedule today as Eboue and Ljungberg returned injured from recent internationals. A couple of weeks ago Jose Mourinho accused Raymod Domeneche (France gaffer) of using Makalele as a slave (excellent choice of word Jose, not as if the country is going through an ethnic identity crisis or anything). Benitez reopened the compensation row over Dirk Kuyt's injury whilst playing for Holland. Ferguson hasn't actually said anything this time, but you can tell he was thinking about it.
Anyway. Have you ever heard a player complain about playing for their country? Frank Lampard spends 4/9ths of every interview he gives for England gushing about his international dreams. Theo Walcott was almost pooing himself he was so excited to be playing and scoring for the U21s the other day. They bloody love it playing for their countries they do! How dare you deny Jermaine Jenas the opportunity to tell his kids he plays for England? Its the only thing stopping them from getting beaten up in the playground for having a shit player as their dad.
Moral of the story: Every time Wenger winges Jermaine Jenas' kids are more likely to be beaten up. So Wenger is therefore a peadophile. There, I've said it.
...stop wingeing Graham Taylor. Being the prophetic, revolutionary man that he is, our favourite turnip-resembling ex-England gaffer (left) was on Sky Sports News today bemoaning the demise of youth development by the FA. Apparently due to the employment of 15,000 Ozzie stoners to build our national stadium, plans to build an academy in the countryside somewhere have been scrapped. Fair enough. Sounds shit.
But then he had to say it didn't he. He just had to. "Too many foreign players in the Premiership stifling emerging talent blah blah blbl yadda".
Either i'm Bill Murray or we had this conversation last year. And the year before that. And about 10 years ago.
England's strongest XI is currently the finest it has been in decades. In fact, if it wasn't for the FA's other brilliant decision- to appoint a strange swinging Swede to coach out national team; and then give the job to his token northern friend- we would all be hailing this as our 'golden generation'. This being the generation that coincided with the dramatic influx of foreigners into the Premiership. Before the foreigners turned up, Graham Taylor was busy playing Tony Daley on the left wing.
Take Theo Walcott's second goal for the under-21s tonight, in which we beat Germany 3-0 to get to the U21 European Championships:
An Arsenal forward cutting in from the left wing, opening up his body and curving the ball into the right hand corner. You can almost hear Theo shouting 'Va Va Voom' as he wheels away to celebrate. Who do you think tought him to finish like that? (And don't listen to Peter "Clooney" Beardsley saying it was 'self-taught') I'll give you a clue Graham, it wasn't Justin Hoyte.
And for the record Mr Taylor, stick this in your pipe and smoke it. Other than Walcott, Wayne Rooney, Aaron Lennon, Dean Ashton, Micah Richards, Kieran Richardson (ok, i take that one back), Nigel Reo-Coker, Darren Bent, Anton Ferdinand, ...are all 22 or younger. So I'm thinking we'll be alright.
I'm off to bemoan the introduction of nets to goals.
In our continuing series of South American footballing hillariousness (see part I here), this little gem popped up this morning. Upset with their teams 2-0 away defeat to Ceara, some fans of second division Brazilian team Coritiba decided to greet the club's players and officials at the airport. By trying to kick the shit out of them.
The players and officials, not wanting to look like girls, retaliated, and thus another chapter of South American football mentalness unwound infront of the gleeful media. And to think we get eggy about Joey Barton getting his bum out.
London-based writer, usually found with a Guardian Travel hat on. Worrying obsession with West Ham (like a bad marriage- mostly pain, occasional joy, staying in it for the kids)
