Up Yours BBC

Any West Ham fan will tell you the BBC have a bit of an anti-Westh Ham bias. From consitently playing our highlights last, from Lawro ALWAYS predicting we will lose, and the final indignity.......not including a single West Ham goal in Goal of the Season. Anyone in doubt, have a look at these corkers...and tell me at least one of them didn't deserve to be included:






Eat that Lawro!

On the Defensive

With England’s perennial left wing conundrum well and truly solved, the great holding midfielder debate can begin. To begin…should we have one at all? Well, yes quite frankly, for two reasons:

Firstly it solves the problem of the utilisation of Lampard and Gerrard. This is an obvious one; with a holding midfielder they can drive forward, and is the best of a bad situation with the absence of Rooney.

Secondly, if England want to win the World Cup, it is highly arguable that their arch nemeses this time around will be attacking midfielders. Ronaldinho, Messi, Riquelme, Ballack, Zidane, Nedved, Christiano Ronaldo, and Kaka will pose just as much, if not more threat than the obvious candidates up front such as Ronaldo, Torres, Shevchenko, Henry, Van Nistelrooy etc. Thus a spare in front of the back two could be invaluable.

With this in consideration, Hargreaves and Carrick simply don’t have the mettle, and Carragher is our man. With a few stipulations (based on tonight’s performance): Firstly, if he is going to pass the ball backwards and sideways, which is fine, he has to do it quickly, rather than dithering like he did on many occasions tonight. Our midfield four also have to give him early options. We don’t need Carra to run with it, or pick out through balls, just passing it on will do nicely thanks, so do it quickly.

Perhaps more importantly, Carragher will have to concede less fouls. He conceded at least 5 in the first half today, and better teams would have punished this. If the referee today is anything like what we will get in the World Cup, Carragher is the kind of player that will be frequently penalised.

So, Carragher is our man, as long as he releases the ball quicker, and fouls less. He is a world class player, but doesn’t have much class, so lets just hope he does his job.

EXCLUSIVE: Crouch the Hotstepper

Got sent this a few days ago. A Benji's Balls Exclusive(!)...introducing Crouch the Hotstepper! Cheers to Dan for the technical assistance. Another reason to worship the big man.

A Strange Omission: A Reply...

Thought i'd post up my good friend Jonny's reply to my blog about Giuly, as he clearly knows more about the issue than I do; here you go:

"...the intricacies of French football do not escape the brutality of politics. Raymond Domenech is notorious in France for dropping experienced players only to be replaced by 'les espoirs' (lit. the hopefuls). Robert Pires famously fell out with Domenech last year after being dropped.

In France, few stars still play in La Ligue, so when a youngster like Ribery has a top season at Marseille, who incidentally have been a pile of poo this season, there's no leaving him out. The French footie press are as manipulative as the British and Domenech is seen as a pretty weak character over there. A player like Malouda gets in ahead of Guily simply because he's naturally left-sided, and well, nobody else in the squad is! (Sound familiar?) As for the Djibbers Cisse, who knows how he manages it, but they absolutely love him in France! No joke, they reckon he's the shit... The truth is, he was the shit at Auxerre, but then I could probably get a couple against Guingamp, Le Havre and Nancy!

As for Ludo Giuly, in my humble opinion, he's not actually that good. Granted he's got bags of pace, but I don't reckon much else. Also, for the last few months, he's been shouting his mouth off about how he's best mates with Henry and how big TH is definitely heading to the Nou Camp having fallen out with everyone and their mother at Arsenal... Well all I can say is HA HA HA. Justice. Gutted Ludo, have fun canoeing this summer, cos no one gives a cow's arse what u think."

Lets all do the Walcott (x2) La La La La...

Having played 38 times this season for Barcelona and picked up a second consecutive La Liga title, and a Champions League medal (having scored a cracker in the semis) Ludovic Giuly has not been included in the France squad. Very odd.

As far as i can find, Giuly has no history of attitude problems, or clashes with international managers (which often end French player's international careers). He might not have been a regular in the Barca team this year, but has chipped in with 6 goals, including the afformentioned screamer in the semis of the Champions League. In any case, being edged out of the starting line up by Ronaldinho and Lionel Messi is not something to be ashamed of.

The argument seems to be that Frank Ribery was picked ahead of him, which would be fair enough if it was one of the two, as Ribery has had a great season and is one of the hottest properties in Europe. However, there are at least three players in the squad who Giuly could have replaced that are not Frank Ribery, but play in similar positions. Florent Malouda has had a good season at Lyon, but lets face it, the French League cannot compare to La Liga. Vikash Dhorasoo hasn't scored a single goal all year, whilst playing for a PSG side that finished 9th. And thene there's Djibril Cisse, who is shit, and really annoying as well.

I suspect there is something we are not being told. Or maybe Raymond Domenech has decided to 'do a Walcott' and have a bit of a laugh with his squad. Who knows.

The Risdale Road or the Murray Muckup?

Well done Watford, if not only for another away day to look forward to next year. Today’s game got me thinking about the plight of teams who experience success, and in particular the role chairmen play in deciding the future of clubs.

This year saw West Ham and Wigan excel in the Premiership, both because of inspired managers, decent investment, and most importantly, shit loads of ambition. Sunderland on the other hand embarrassed themselves, having added little more than a handful of chaff to their squad over the pre-season. Then of course there is Leeds, whose one time chairman went a bit loopy with success, invested haphazardly, and was bitten in the ass because of it. The question then, is how to follow up success with investment?

Success needs to be a platform on which to build. If it isn’t then lack of ambition is woefully exposed. Bob Murray at Sunderland exemplifies this approach. They won the Championship relatively easily, surpassing Wigan and West Ham on their way, and then stopped. Peter Risdale, on the other hand, got Leeds into the Champions League, wrote cheques the club eventually couldn’t cash, leaving them well and truly in the shit.

The answer then, is somewhere in between Bob Murray and Peter Risdale: building on success but not going over the top. Becoming a top club requires patience and the right amount of investment at the right time. This is exactly what West Ham and Wigan have done. Whilst Wigan’s investment has been modest compared to West Ham’s this season, they have been building on success progressively for about three years. West Ham have shown ambition when it was in question (£7m for Ashton) and also known how to work with the existing setup, settling on players like Mullins and Harewood who could have been expendable, but were stuck with and grew into the Premiership. Will be interesting to know what way Watford, Sheffield United and Reading go.

The Seal

Introducing Kerlon, the 'new Ronaldinho' who Man United are trying to buy, apparantly a delegation went out there this week. Famous for the 'seal dribble'. As far as i'm concerned, this is the first trick that can only be defended against with a flying headbutt. Unfortunately, the defender in the first trick hasn't worked this out yet, so settles for karate kicking his chest. Will certainly be fun to see him in the Premiership. That sound you can hear is Lucas Neill salivating.

News link here.

Rough Justice

Commiserations Arsenal, I really do feel your pain (see pics two blogs below). Would like to make a point that may be seen as rubbing it in, so first the disclaimer. Have thoroughly enjoyed watching Arsenal in Europe this season, as a bunch of relative upstarts ended up playing the Arsenal way, which is a joy to watch. And of course, Henry really is a God. Lets hope for the sake of every English football fan that he stays.

However, in an annoying way, justice has been done. For the first time in three years the best team in Europe is officially the best team in Europe. As incredible as Porto and Liverpool’s feats were, it seemed a bit of a soppy impunity that the best team in Portugal and the third best team in England were officially the best teams in Europe over the last few years. Even worse, Sao Paolo are officially the best team in the world. I am a big fan of romance in cup competitions, God knows I would have welcomed a healthy smothering of the stuff on Saturday, but a part of me is pleased that the honeymoon period is over for the Champions League, and can now truly be considered a league of champions.

If this game had been played two years ago when Arsenal were quite probably the best team in the world, they would have been worthy champions, but the unfortunate truth is that Barcelona are currently the better team, and have within their number a player who somehow manages to be better than Thierry Henry. I was cheering you all the way Arsenal (as dirty as this felt), but in the end hats off to Barca, the best team in Europe. (and do us a favour and win the intercontinental Cup to set the record straight).

News Now

You may have noticed football just got twice as interesting. That's because the transfer window has opened again, and the gossip is coming thick and fast.

NewsNow is a great way to keep up to date with what your team is up to, it basically scans hundreds of news sites for anything related to a field of your choice, and updates every 5 minutes. On the left hand side of the page there is a dropbox with 'football' on it, which includes every league team. So you can keep up to date with every ridiculous rumor that surfaces. For the sadists amongst you, select 'Tottenham Hotspur' and bask in the fact that they will be linked to lots of world class players but get none of them.

I presume this is made by the same chaps who make Championship Manager, of the 'Make Students Fail their Degrees' Corporation. Bastards.

Cup Final Pictures

South American Football is Mental

Was just watching a Copa Libertadores quarter final match between Corinithians (Brazil) and River Plate (Argentina). River scored in the 83rd minute to make it 3-1 one to the Argentinians...then it all kicked off. One of the craziest bits of football crowd mayhem i have ever seen. Riot police, smoke grenades, fights, crowd surges, pitch invasions, players accosted by fans...needless to say the game was abandoned.

See the chaos here.

Sven and his Metaphorical Baseball Cap

At roughly 2.37 today I was left gasping by a particularly plucky Swede. Anyway, enough about my private life (guffaw!)

In other news it turns out Sven Goran Erikson is mental. After years of dedicated conservatism, Sven has come out with probably his most bizarre squad selection yet. But you know what? There’s part of me- that occasionally spontaneous part that doesn’t really understand mortgages- that is really rather pleased.

Bad Bits
1) No Wright-Phillips, even as a backup. Admittedly SWP has not had a great season, but how Sven can think Jenas is more of an attacking threat than him is beyond me.
2) No Bent as a backup. How the leading English Premiership goalscorer is ignored at the expense of Andrew Johnson is also beyond me.
3) Owen Hargreaves- Yup he can play in a number of positions, but can’t play particularly well in any of them.
4) Walcot- What the fuck?! Either a masterstroke or an absolute joke. If neither Rooney nor Owen are fit he will definitely play a part. Defoe and Bent must feel like fools.

Kind of Good Bits
1) No Ledley King- would have been a waste of a squad place, we have four world class centre backs, and he is not good enough in midfield to act as a stopper
2) Lennon- somewhat makes up for the emission of SWP and is a surprise package circa Owen in 98 and Rooney in 2004
3) Walcot ditto. And then some. Not only is he an unknown quantity on the world stage, but lets face it, none of us know what he’s like.
4) Carrick. Yup, but then why bother with Hargreaves too?

In conclusion, the squad is certainly radical, but then so was Michael Foot’s manifesto in 1983- the longest suicide note in history. Lets continue the political analogies. When William Hague wore a baseball cap to the Notting Hill carnival he was trying to prove that he was not boring and could be a bit of a card sometimes. He ended up looking like a twat.

Having consistently criticised Sven’s conservatism, however, I would seem like a bit of a twat if I accused him of being too radical. So I won’t. Tactically this squad is questionable, which also makes it a bit exciting. Like hedging your bets before an exam- you could fuck up but you could ace it. Well done Sven, and good luck.

Congratulations

Dear Mr Barwick

My I congratulate you on the appointment of Steve McClaren to the position of Head Coach of the national football team.

Firstly I would like to applaud the exemplary management of the appointment process. The way in which you decided to announce a manager before the world cup was visionary its automatic disqualification of the majority of current top class international coaches.

Also I would like to direct particular praise towards the decision to announce to the press that the F.A. would be travelling to Portugal to discuss the job with Philip Scolari. The Brazilian coach’s true colours were demonstrated by the fact that he could not handle the attention of our respectful and fawning media, despite the fact that we introduced the two before any decision had been made. In any case, who needs a World Cup winner when you’ve got a Carling Cup winner on your doorstep?

Your inspired insulation of the issue to within the corridors of the FA is also to be commended, as the frequently-suggested notion that the decision should be made by the so-called ‘experts’ who have experience in international management is clearly wide of the mark. For goodness sake, you are the head of the F.A., who can possibly know more about the game than you?!

Further congratulations are in order for the clear and consistent desire to appoint Mr. McClaren to the post. I’m glad I was not the only one to notice the imperious way in which he disposed of Nuneaton Borough in the FA Cup replay at the Riverside.

McClaren’s flexibility is also to be praised. Not only did he put up with the fact that you pretended that Scolari was your first choice (good one by the way-chortle) but the manner in which he outmanoeuvred the season ticket flung in his direction by a Middlesbrough fan earlier in the season was simply sublime. The fact that the Boro fans interviewed today displayed little disappointment at seeing him leave truly was testament to the respect and adoration he has nurtured this season. Your announcement that the decision was unanimous and that good old Steve had been the favoured choice all along vindicated my belief that the thousands of pounds and spent and considerable domestic disruption caused was merely an elaborate ruse.

Finally I feel your specific declaration that McClaren’s appointment had been done in the name of ‘continuity’ was right on the nail. Why bother changing a winning formula? Do the media not realise just how well this team has done in the past few years? If it wasn’t for those cheating Brazilians and Portuguese and French and Northern Irish and that Danish referee and Faria Alam and the Greeks and Arsene Wenger and the Communists our national team would be perched at the very top of the footballing hierarchy, as it should be.

So Brian, tonight I will raise a glass to yourself. Long may your reign continue.

Yours Sincerily
Benji Lanyado

p.s. Have you lost weight?

The Africanisation of Defensive Midfield

It all started with Patrick Vieira- He came from Senegal, he plays for Ars-e-nul- was the inventive Highbury anthem. He also gave Giggsy the ball, and Arsenal won…anyway. One of the lesser-spoken stories of the Premiership over the last few years has been the protracted Africanisation of the defensive midfield. Let me explain….

First there’s the ones you will know. Chelsea have two: Michael Essien (from Ghana) and Makalele (French but born in Zaire). Liverpool have got Mohamed Sissoko (Mali), and Arsenal have got Vassikiri Abou Diaby (French but of Malian descent).

Then there’s the other decent ones. Abdoulaye Faye (Senegal) at Bolton, Papa Boupa Diop (Senegal) at Fulham, and George Boateng (Dutch but born in Ghana).

The there’s the ones you’ve probably forgotten about. Aliou Cisse (Senegal) at Pompey, Eric Djemba Djemba (Cameroon) at Villa and Amdy Faye (Senegal) at Newcastle.

Then there’s the ones you probably don’t care about. Christian Bassila (Congo) at Sunderland, and Mohamed’s little brother Ibrahim Sissoko (Mali) at West Brom.

Finally there’s the one’s who are ‘destined’ for the Premiership, now that all the cool kids are doing it. Mahamadou Diarra (Mali-right) at Lyon is wanted by Chelsea and Man Utd, Kolo’s little brother Yaya Toure (Ivory Coast) at Olymiakos has been linked to a number of Premiership clubs, Didier Zokora (Ivory Coast) at St Ettiene who is being heavily sniffed around, and Younes Kaboul (Morocco) at Auxerre.

So, the theme is clear; if you want a defensive midfielder-go African. In fact, go West African, pretty much every player I’ve mentioned is derived of West African countries. 12 out of the 20 Premiership teams have already got one, and there are more on the way.



In other news, I sat on my phone for about half an hour yesterday and now I have Girls Aloud as my ring-tone and can’t get rid of it.

Better than me.

Hello y'all. Just wanted to draw your attention to who I think is the best sports sketch writer in the country.

Barney Ronay has a weekly column in the Guardian saturday sports section, and is regularly brilliant. Now you have two reasons to buy the Guardian on Saturdays!

Find me old mucker Barney's columns here.

Wayne Who?

Fear not my fellow patriots. After four hours of uncontrollable sobbing, i managed to come up with the solution to an England team without Rooney. Actually it was me, my mates Chris, Ali, DC, some White Ace and a guy called Fosters, but I'll take the credit thanks. Here is an artist's impression:


As you can see, the formation is a complete copy of the Chelsea formation, with Cole and SWP/lennon acting as support strikers from the wings. To some extent this formation favours the choice of Crouchy boy, as the striker would be needed to hold up the ball for the midfield to drive forward and score. Gerrard would have to be a bit more defensive-minded, but this was always going to be the case. Beckham can operate from a more central area, pinging the balls to the wings or Crouch. It all works my friends.

Yes, that sound you can hear is of a chorus of sopranos cooing ahhhhhhhhh, in revalatory style.

Only problem, adopting this formation would be the most radical thing Sven has done since he decided to shag Faria Alam in the FA cupboard, and the cances of him doing it are slim to none. Scolari would have done it, but don't get me started. As you were. (Benji picks up his metatarsal ray and heads off to Brazil)

Retention

Against all odds, it looks as if Chelsea will be the Premiership champions for the second year running. A quick look around Europe's top leagues will yield a plethora of similar shocks. Not really. 2006 has been the year of retention. 10 out of 12 of Europe's decent leagues have been/probably will be won by the same teams that won them last year:

England: Chelsea
Italy: Juventus
Spain: Barcelona
Germany: Bayern Munich
France: Lyon
Netherlands: PSV Eindhoven
Greece: Olympiakos
Turkey: Fenerbahce
Switzerland: FC Basel
Scotland: Celtic

The only two decent leagues who have not been retained by the 2005 winners are Portugal, where Porto will take the title from last year's winners Benfica, having won it in 2003 and 2004, and Belgium, where Anderlecht will take the title from Club Bruges, having won four out of the previous 7 titles.

So, crazy, unpredictable stuff my friends.

On the subject of league domination, my current second favourite team are Gretna in the Scottish Division 2. Check out their domination here, their goalscoring exploits here, and buy your commemorative mug here.

Pearce the Prophet?

Having just finished watching today's Match of the Day (recorded), I felt the burning desire to log something. Thus the 4am post.

I couldn't help noticing something very odd in Jonathan Pearce's commentary of the Charlton-Portsmouth game. I was slightly confused when Pearce, somewhat out of the blue, commented in the first half words to the effect of : 'You can't help wondering, with all the stress involved in this seasons struggle against relegation...will this be Harry's last year in management? Might he call it a day?' As far as I'm concerned, this is the first time anything has been said about the possibility of Redknapp retiring this summer, so I considered it just a bit of entertaining Jonathan Pearce filler; the kind he has made a career of.

Then, in the second half, again out of the blue, Pearce stated words to the effect of...'and just how much is all this tension effecting Harry's health?'. It wasn't just a flippant comment either, they were genuine words of concern.

On the final whistle, the BBC cameras focussed in, as they would, on a gutted looking Redknapp. I couldn't help noticing though that they held the shot as Harry exhaled rather unnaturally, looking like he might have been wheezing slightly.

If this is Jonathan Pearce madness, is there method in't? Pearce is a London footballing stalwart, having made his name on Capital Gold over fifteen years ago, a period during which he may have gotten to know a character like Harry Redknapp rather well. Does he know something we don't?

Lets hope he doesn't, and that this is merely the slightly sleep-starved rambling of an idiot who spent six hours on trains today to see his team get beat by a mediocre Boro side. Odd htojsjnharry nsbubblesnnns zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Lesser of Six Evils?

What is the meaning of life? Given a relatively level playing field – i.e., water deep enough so that a shark could manoeuvre proficiently, but shallow enough so that a bear could stand and operate with its characteristic dexterity – who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark? Who should be the next England manager?

Such are the questions facing our puzzled existence in today’s confused world. For question A, see here. For B, see here. For C, allow me to indulge (but not really answer)

Perhaps the most important issue facing the FA (and indeed every English fan) is that we are currently in the process of picking an England manager by default. All of the candidates have obvious flaws- the debate essentially being who has the least?

Big Sam is an excellent wheeler and dealer, an admirable quality in club management, but useless on the international stage. He has also nurtured at Bolton perhaps the ugliest playing style of any Premiership team. Whilst his scouts have a penchant for the exotic, he has a penchant for the long ball.

Alan Curbishley has said he doesn’t want it, and is in charge of a Charlton team that has been stagnant for about 5 years.

Gus Hiddink would have been a good candidate, but is famous for his distaste for media intrusion (ask Sven about that), wanted to manage a club team at the same time as England, and wanted to commute from Amsterdam.

Steve Maclaren really isn’t anything special. Take away Boro’s cup runs and everyone would have been talking about him getting the sack. Despite his experience in the England setup, ex- Man Utd Assistant Managers do not tend to make good managers- see Kidd at Blackburn, Quieroz and Real Madrid, and lets face it, Maclaren at Boro.

Martin O’Neil has spent a year out of the game, and signed off his Celtic career by loosing the SPL on the last day of the season. Yes he transformed Celtic into the best team in Scotland after years of being second best- but this is the point; succeeding as a Rangers or Celtic manager is a case of being better than one other team. I fully expect Le Guen to do the same at Rangers, as he is pretty good. Not brilliant but pretty good. The main reason everyone seems keen on O'neil is beacuse he is not Allardyce or Maclaren.

Big Phil Scolari (right) has the best credentials of the lot having won a World Cup with Brazil, and almost won a European Championship with Portugal. Stylistically he is the ideal Manager to work with the most attacking England line-up we have had for years. Scolari is of the ‘you score two, we’ll score three’ school of thought, the dramatic opposite of Sven’s approach of ‘we’ll score one then sit back and wait for Zidane to score two’. If only the bugger didn’t have a grasp of English that was intermediate at best.

Guess What? Brazil Are Quite Good.

An article in this Sunday’s Observer Sports section annoyed me a bit. The basic jist of the article is that Brazil aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, and are in some sort of crisis. The full article can be found here. To some extent the Observer may have been trying to reverse The Sun and News Of The World campaign to destroy the England team’s morale via the medium of scandal, which is commendable. Doing this by trying to claim Brazil are shit is a bit over the top though.

To summarise, here are the basic points, followed by my rebuttals, your honour:

1) Roberto Carlos is losing defensive composure at the rate of knots. I saw Roberto Carlos the other week, he is still the second best left back in the world, and has never had much defensive composure anyway. People have been criticising his defensive capability for years.

2) Cafu has just returned from surgery. Oh dear, that means they might have to play Cicinho (right) instead. I also saw Cicinho play the other week, and he was awesome, arguably already better than Cafu anyway.

3) Juan and Roque Junior are dodgy centre backs, and Lucio has dipped in form. Ok, but when was the last time Brazil had good centre backs anyway. This is not how they roll. You score two, they score three. A Kevin Keegan wet dream. The article also failed to mention Edmilson, who does a good job for Barcelona whenever they play him.

4) Emerson was made to look geriatric by Arsenal. Oh dear, they might have to play Gilberto Silva (left) instead. The upping of Gilberto’s responsibility since the departure of Vieira has markedly improved his game, with many Arsenal fan’s claiming his form is the real reason behind their recent resurgence. He sits back, soaking things up so the rest can pile forward. Ideal for a team like Brazil.

5) Kaka has lost a shade of the sparkle that accompanied his emergence to the big stage. Rubbish. Kaka scored a hat-trick yesterday.

6) Ronaldo is fat and out of form, and Ardiano has personal problems. Ronaldo is indeed fat, and was on poor form a few weeks ago. He has since scored four goals in four games, including one corker against Barca, who are arguably the best team in Europe. He was fat and out of form before the 2002 World Cup, then he won the Golden Boot and virtually single-handedly won an average Brazil team the World Cup. Adriano (right) is admittedly on poor form, but has still managed to score 19 goals so far this year. He was also man of the match in the first leg against Villareal the other week. Even so, if Brazil chose to drop either striker, they could play one up front with either Kaka, or the unmentioned Robinho in a slightly deeper role. Then there’s always Juninho at Lyon who could operate as an attacking midfielder. Poor them.

7) Ronaldinho will be tired after a long season. A tired Ronaldinho will still shit all over almost anyone.

In sum, don’t count your chickens. Brazil will be a joy to watch this summer, and a bastard to play against.