Rough Justice

Commiserations Arsenal, I really do feel your pain (see pics two blogs below). Would like to make a point that may be seen as rubbing it in, so first the disclaimer. Have thoroughly enjoyed watching Arsenal in Europe this season, as a bunch of relative upstarts ended up playing the Arsenal way, which is a joy to watch. And of course, Henry really is a God. Lets hope for the sake of every English football fan that he stays.

However, in an annoying way, justice has been done. For the first time in three years the best team in Europe is officially the best team in Europe. As incredible as Porto and Liverpool’s feats were, it seemed a bit of a soppy impunity that the best team in Portugal and the third best team in England were officially the best teams in Europe over the last few years. Even worse, Sao Paolo are officially the best team in the world. I am a big fan of romance in cup competitions, God knows I would have welcomed a healthy smothering of the stuff on Saturday, but a part of me is pleased that the honeymoon period is over for the Champions League, and can now truly be considered a league of champions.

If this game had been played two years ago when Arsenal were quite probably the best team in the world, they would have been worthy champions, but the unfortunate truth is that Barcelona are currently the better team, and have within their number a player who somehow manages to be better than Thierry Henry. I was cheering you all the way Arsenal (as dirty as this felt), but in the end hats off to Barca, the best team in Europe. (and do us a favour and win the intercontinental Cup to set the record straight).

News Now

You may have noticed football just got twice as interesting. That's because the transfer window has opened again, and the gossip is coming thick and fast.

NewsNow is a great way to keep up to date with what your team is up to, it basically scans hundreds of news sites for anything related to a field of your choice, and updates every 5 minutes. On the left hand side of the page there is a dropbox with 'football' on it, which includes every league team. So you can keep up to date with every ridiculous rumor that surfaces. For the sadists amongst you, select 'Tottenham Hotspur' and bask in the fact that they will be linked to lots of world class players but get none of them.

I presume this is made by the same chaps who make Championship Manager, of the 'Make Students Fail their Degrees' Corporation. Bastards.

Cup Final Pictures

South American Football is Mental

Was just watching a Copa Libertadores quarter final match between Corinithians (Brazil) and River Plate (Argentina). River scored in the 83rd minute to make it 3-1 one to the Argentinians...then it all kicked off. One of the craziest bits of football crowd mayhem i have ever seen. Riot police, smoke grenades, fights, crowd surges, pitch invasions, players accosted by fans...needless to say the game was abandoned.

See the chaos here.

Sven and his Metaphorical Baseball Cap

At roughly 2.37 today I was left gasping by a particularly plucky Swede. Anyway, enough about my private life (guffaw!)

In other news it turns out Sven Goran Erikson is mental. After years of dedicated conservatism, Sven has come out with probably his most bizarre squad selection yet. But you know what? There’s part of me- that occasionally spontaneous part that doesn’t really understand mortgages- that is really rather pleased.

Bad Bits
1) No Wright-Phillips, even as a backup. Admittedly SWP has not had a great season, but how Sven can think Jenas is more of an attacking threat than him is beyond me.
2) No Bent as a backup. How the leading English Premiership goalscorer is ignored at the expense of Andrew Johnson is also beyond me.
3) Owen Hargreaves- Yup he can play in a number of positions, but can’t play particularly well in any of them.
4) Walcot- What the fuck?! Either a masterstroke or an absolute joke. If neither Rooney nor Owen are fit he will definitely play a part. Defoe and Bent must feel like fools.

Kind of Good Bits
1) No Ledley King- would have been a waste of a squad place, we have four world class centre backs, and he is not good enough in midfield to act as a stopper
2) Lennon- somewhat makes up for the emission of SWP and is a surprise package circa Owen in 98 and Rooney in 2004
3) Walcot ditto. And then some. Not only is he an unknown quantity on the world stage, but lets face it, none of us know what he’s like.
4) Carrick. Yup, but then why bother with Hargreaves too?

In conclusion, the squad is certainly radical, but then so was Michael Foot’s manifesto in 1983- the longest suicide note in history. Lets continue the political analogies. When William Hague wore a baseball cap to the Notting Hill carnival he was trying to prove that he was not boring and could be a bit of a card sometimes. He ended up looking like a twat.

Having consistently criticised Sven’s conservatism, however, I would seem like a bit of a twat if I accused him of being too radical. So I won’t. Tactically this squad is questionable, which also makes it a bit exciting. Like hedging your bets before an exam- you could fuck up but you could ace it. Well done Sven, and good luck.

Congratulations

Dear Mr Barwick

My I congratulate you on the appointment of Steve McClaren to the position of Head Coach of the national football team.

Firstly I would like to applaud the exemplary management of the appointment process. The way in which you decided to announce a manager before the world cup was visionary its automatic disqualification of the majority of current top class international coaches.

Also I would like to direct particular praise towards the decision to announce to the press that the F.A. would be travelling to Portugal to discuss the job with Philip Scolari. The Brazilian coach’s true colours were demonstrated by the fact that he could not handle the attention of our respectful and fawning media, despite the fact that we introduced the two before any decision had been made. In any case, who needs a World Cup winner when you’ve got a Carling Cup winner on your doorstep?

Your inspired insulation of the issue to within the corridors of the FA is also to be commended, as the frequently-suggested notion that the decision should be made by the so-called ‘experts’ who have experience in international management is clearly wide of the mark. For goodness sake, you are the head of the F.A., who can possibly know more about the game than you?!

Further congratulations are in order for the clear and consistent desire to appoint Mr. McClaren to the post. I’m glad I was not the only one to notice the imperious way in which he disposed of Nuneaton Borough in the FA Cup replay at the Riverside.

McClaren’s flexibility is also to be praised. Not only did he put up with the fact that you pretended that Scolari was your first choice (good one by the way-chortle) but the manner in which he outmanoeuvred the season ticket flung in his direction by a Middlesbrough fan earlier in the season was simply sublime. The fact that the Boro fans interviewed today displayed little disappointment at seeing him leave truly was testament to the respect and adoration he has nurtured this season. Your announcement that the decision was unanimous and that good old Steve had been the favoured choice all along vindicated my belief that the thousands of pounds and spent and considerable domestic disruption caused was merely an elaborate ruse.

Finally I feel your specific declaration that McClaren’s appointment had been done in the name of ‘continuity’ was right on the nail. Why bother changing a winning formula? Do the media not realise just how well this team has done in the past few years? If it wasn’t for those cheating Brazilians and Portuguese and French and Northern Irish and that Danish referee and Faria Alam and the Greeks and Arsene Wenger and the Communists our national team would be perched at the very top of the footballing hierarchy, as it should be.

So Brian, tonight I will raise a glass to yourself. Long may your reign continue.

Yours Sincerily
Benji Lanyado

p.s. Have you lost weight?

The Africanisation of Defensive Midfield

It all started with Patrick Vieira- He came from Senegal, he plays for Ars-e-nul- was the inventive Highbury anthem. He also gave Giggsy the ball, and Arsenal won…anyway. One of the lesser-spoken stories of the Premiership over the last few years has been the protracted Africanisation of the defensive midfield. Let me explain….

First there’s the ones you will know. Chelsea have two: Michael Essien (from Ghana) and Makalele (French but born in Zaire). Liverpool have got Mohamed Sissoko (Mali), and Arsenal have got Vassikiri Abou Diaby (French but of Malian descent).

Then there’s the other decent ones. Abdoulaye Faye (Senegal) at Bolton, Papa Boupa Diop (Senegal) at Fulham, and George Boateng (Dutch but born in Ghana).

The there’s the ones you’ve probably forgotten about. Aliou Cisse (Senegal) at Pompey, Eric Djemba Djemba (Cameroon) at Villa and Amdy Faye (Senegal) at Newcastle.

Then there’s the ones you probably don’t care about. Christian Bassila (Congo) at Sunderland, and Mohamed’s little brother Ibrahim Sissoko (Mali) at West Brom.

Finally there’s the one’s who are ‘destined’ for the Premiership, now that all the cool kids are doing it. Mahamadou Diarra (Mali-right) at Lyon is wanted by Chelsea and Man Utd, Kolo’s little brother Yaya Toure (Ivory Coast) at Olymiakos has been linked to a number of Premiership clubs, Didier Zokora (Ivory Coast) at St Ettiene who is being heavily sniffed around, and Younes Kaboul (Morocco) at Auxerre.

So, the theme is clear; if you want a defensive midfielder-go African. In fact, go West African, pretty much every player I’ve mentioned is derived of West African countries. 12 out of the 20 Premiership teams have already got one, and there are more on the way.



In other news, I sat on my phone for about half an hour yesterday and now I have Girls Aloud as my ring-tone and can’t get rid of it.

Better than me.

Hello y'all. Just wanted to draw your attention to who I think is the best sports sketch writer in the country.

Barney Ronay has a weekly column in the Guardian saturday sports section, and is regularly brilliant. Now you have two reasons to buy the Guardian on Saturdays!

Find me old mucker Barney's columns here.

Wayne Who?

Fear not my fellow patriots. After four hours of uncontrollable sobbing, i managed to come up with the solution to an England team without Rooney. Actually it was me, my mates Chris, Ali, DC, some White Ace and a guy called Fosters, but I'll take the credit thanks. Here is an artist's impression:


As you can see, the formation is a complete copy of the Chelsea formation, with Cole and SWP/lennon acting as support strikers from the wings. To some extent this formation favours the choice of Crouchy boy, as the striker would be needed to hold up the ball for the midfield to drive forward and score. Gerrard would have to be a bit more defensive-minded, but this was always going to be the case. Beckham can operate from a more central area, pinging the balls to the wings or Crouch. It all works my friends.

Yes, that sound you can hear is of a chorus of sopranos cooing ahhhhhhhhh, in revalatory style.

Only problem, adopting this formation would be the most radical thing Sven has done since he decided to shag Faria Alam in the FA cupboard, and the cances of him doing it are slim to none. Scolari would have done it, but don't get me started. As you were. (Benji picks up his metatarsal ray and heads off to Brazil)

Retention

Against all odds, it looks as if Chelsea will be the Premiership champions for the second year running. A quick look around Europe's top leagues will yield a plethora of similar shocks. Not really. 2006 has been the year of retention. 10 out of 12 of Europe's decent leagues have been/probably will be won by the same teams that won them last year:

England: Chelsea
Italy: Juventus
Spain: Barcelona
Germany: Bayern Munich
France: Lyon
Netherlands: PSV Eindhoven
Greece: Olympiakos
Turkey: Fenerbahce
Switzerland: FC Basel
Scotland: Celtic

The only two decent leagues who have not been retained by the 2005 winners are Portugal, where Porto will take the title from last year's winners Benfica, having won it in 2003 and 2004, and Belgium, where Anderlecht will take the title from Club Bruges, having won four out of the previous 7 titles.

So, crazy, unpredictable stuff my friends.

On the subject of league domination, my current second favourite team are Gretna in the Scottish Division 2. Check out their domination here, their goalscoring exploits here, and buy your commemorative mug here.

Pearce the Prophet?

Having just finished watching today's Match of the Day (recorded), I felt the burning desire to log something. Thus the 4am post.

I couldn't help noticing something very odd in Jonathan Pearce's commentary of the Charlton-Portsmouth game. I was slightly confused when Pearce, somewhat out of the blue, commented in the first half words to the effect of : 'You can't help wondering, with all the stress involved in this seasons struggle against relegation...will this be Harry's last year in management? Might he call it a day?' As far as I'm concerned, this is the first time anything has been said about the possibility of Redknapp retiring this summer, so I considered it just a bit of entertaining Jonathan Pearce filler; the kind he has made a career of.

Then, in the second half, again out of the blue, Pearce stated words to the effect of...'and just how much is all this tension effecting Harry's health?'. It wasn't just a flippant comment either, they were genuine words of concern.

On the final whistle, the BBC cameras focussed in, as they would, on a gutted looking Redknapp. I couldn't help noticing though that they held the shot as Harry exhaled rather unnaturally, looking like he might have been wheezing slightly.

If this is Jonathan Pearce madness, is there method in't? Pearce is a London footballing stalwart, having made his name on Capital Gold over fifteen years ago, a period during which he may have gotten to know a character like Harry Redknapp rather well. Does he know something we don't?

Lets hope he doesn't, and that this is merely the slightly sleep-starved rambling of an idiot who spent six hours on trains today to see his team get beat by a mediocre Boro side. Odd htojsjnharry nsbubblesnnns zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Lesser of Six Evils?

What is the meaning of life? Given a relatively level playing field – i.e., water deep enough so that a shark could manoeuvre proficiently, but shallow enough so that a bear could stand and operate with its characteristic dexterity – who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark? Who should be the next England manager?

Such are the questions facing our puzzled existence in today’s confused world. For question A, see here. For B, see here. For C, allow me to indulge (but not really answer)

Perhaps the most important issue facing the FA (and indeed every English fan) is that we are currently in the process of picking an England manager by default. All of the candidates have obvious flaws- the debate essentially being who has the least?

Big Sam is an excellent wheeler and dealer, an admirable quality in club management, but useless on the international stage. He has also nurtured at Bolton perhaps the ugliest playing style of any Premiership team. Whilst his scouts have a penchant for the exotic, he has a penchant for the long ball.

Alan Curbishley has said he doesn’t want it, and is in charge of a Charlton team that has been stagnant for about 5 years.

Gus Hiddink would have been a good candidate, but is famous for his distaste for media intrusion (ask Sven about that), wanted to manage a club team at the same time as England, and wanted to commute from Amsterdam.

Steve Maclaren really isn’t anything special. Take away Boro’s cup runs and everyone would have been talking about him getting the sack. Despite his experience in the England setup, ex- Man Utd Assistant Managers do not tend to make good managers- see Kidd at Blackburn, Quieroz and Real Madrid, and lets face it, Maclaren at Boro.

Martin O’Neil has spent a year out of the game, and signed off his Celtic career by loosing the SPL on the last day of the season. Yes he transformed Celtic into the best team in Scotland after years of being second best- but this is the point; succeeding as a Rangers or Celtic manager is a case of being better than one other team. I fully expect Le Guen to do the same at Rangers, as he is pretty good. Not brilliant but pretty good. The main reason everyone seems keen on O'neil is beacuse he is not Allardyce or Maclaren.

Big Phil Scolari (right) has the best credentials of the lot having won a World Cup with Brazil, and almost won a European Championship with Portugal. Stylistically he is the ideal Manager to work with the most attacking England line-up we have had for years. Scolari is of the ‘you score two, we’ll score three’ school of thought, the dramatic opposite of Sven’s approach of ‘we’ll score one then sit back and wait for Zidane to score two’. If only the bugger didn’t have a grasp of English that was intermediate at best.

Guess What? Brazil Are Quite Good.

An article in this Sunday’s Observer Sports section annoyed me a bit. The basic jist of the article is that Brazil aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, and are in some sort of crisis. The full article can be found here. To some extent the Observer may have been trying to reverse The Sun and News Of The World campaign to destroy the England team’s morale via the medium of scandal, which is commendable. Doing this by trying to claim Brazil are shit is a bit over the top though.

To summarise, here are the basic points, followed by my rebuttals, your honour:

1) Roberto Carlos is losing defensive composure at the rate of knots. I saw Roberto Carlos the other week, he is still the second best left back in the world, and has never had much defensive composure anyway. People have been criticising his defensive capability for years.

2) Cafu has just returned from surgery. Oh dear, that means they might have to play Cicinho (right) instead. I also saw Cicinho play the other week, and he was awesome, arguably already better than Cafu anyway.

3) Juan and Roque Junior are dodgy centre backs, and Lucio has dipped in form. Ok, but when was the last time Brazil had good centre backs anyway. This is not how they roll. You score two, they score three. A Kevin Keegan wet dream. The article also failed to mention Edmilson, who does a good job for Barcelona whenever they play him.

4) Emerson was made to look geriatric by Arsenal. Oh dear, they might have to play Gilberto Silva (left) instead. The upping of Gilberto’s responsibility since the departure of Vieira has markedly improved his game, with many Arsenal fan’s claiming his form is the real reason behind their recent resurgence. He sits back, soaking things up so the rest can pile forward. Ideal for a team like Brazil.

5) Kaka has lost a shade of the sparkle that accompanied his emergence to the big stage. Rubbish. Kaka scored a hat-trick yesterday.

6) Ronaldo is fat and out of form, and Ardiano has personal problems. Ronaldo is indeed fat, and was on poor form a few weeks ago. He has since scored four goals in four games, including one corker against Barca, who are arguably the best team in Europe. He was fat and out of form before the 2002 World Cup, then he won the Golden Boot and virtually single-handedly won an average Brazil team the World Cup. Adriano (right) is admittedly on poor form, but has still managed to score 19 goals so far this year. He was also man of the match in the first leg against Villareal the other week. Even so, if Brazil chose to drop either striker, they could play one up front with either Kaka, or the unmentioned Robinho in a slightly deeper role. Then there’s always Juninho at Lyon who could operate as an attacking midfielder. Poor them.

7) Ronaldinho will be tired after a long season. A tired Ronaldinho will still shit all over almost anyone.

In sum, don’t count your chickens. Brazil will be a joy to watch this summer, and a bastard to play against.

Gerard Houllier is an Arsehole

In an interview to Sky Sports last night, Gerard Houllier reminded me that he was an arsehole.

First, commenting on Tiago's booking that would keep him out of Lyon's second leg tie at Milan, he described the midfielder as 'sacrificing himself for the team'. Effectively he was condoning the player for making a cynical foul on Kaka late on in the game. He also added that Lyon had been missing Juninho Pernambucano, who he referred to as their 'star player'. Effectively this is isolating a single player as the side's 'star', insinuating that he is better than the rest.

Houllier has a history of displaying the grace of an elephant, and in my opinion is guilty of one of the worst crimes ever committed against football. As the Manager of France in 1993, Houllier's Blues needed a draw against Bulgaria to qualify for the 1994 World Cup in America. As a late sub, David Ginola found himself in a good position near the corner flag, with the score tied at 1-1. Ginola crossed the ball into the area, a Bulgarian intercepted it, drove up the field and slotted to through Emil Kosdadinov, who promptly scored the winner for Bulgaria (left), ending France's hopes of qualifying.

In the post-match press conference, rather than protecting Ginola from a media backlash, or taking any responsibility for the woeful underachievement of the national team, Houllier stated, on national television:

"David Ginola is the murderer of the team ... he sent an Exocet missile through the heart of French football ... David Ginola committed a crime against the team, I repeat, a crime against the team."

Ginola never played for France again. Even after winning the PFA and Football Writer's player of the year awards in 1997, Bernard Diomede was the preferred choice on the left wing for France under Houllier's successor Aime Jaquet.

Ergo...Houllier is an arsehole.

For the record, anyone who thinks Houllier deserves the credit for Lyon's current form is wrong. Three years ago Paul Le Guen (the new Ranger's manager) revolutionised the Lyon team, winning two Championats in a row, before deciding to leave. Houllier merely picked up the reins of a fantastic team, has barely changed it, and has managed not to fuck up.

Gor Blimery Guvernir, Mate.

I recently had the, erm, pleasure of watching trhe latest cinematic offering on English football hooliganism; Green Street. This one I had a particular interest in as the firm in focus were supposed to be a West Ham firm. Here are my impressions


Good Bits
1) Nice to see West Ham on the silver screen
2) Just about passable performances by the guy playing 'The Major' and the guy who was the head of the Millwall firm
3) Decent last half an hour-good fight scenes if you're into that kind of thing.
4) Elijah Wood's sister is fit.

Bad Bits
1) Clearly unimpressed with Don Cheadle's magnificent attempt in Oceans 11 to pull off the worst cockney accent in the history of entertainment, whoever put this film together decided to give the role of the top boy of West Ham's firm to an ozzie actor, Charlie Hunnam (above), whose accent is possibly the most annoying thing i've ever heard. Unfortunatly, his character is the pivot of the entire film. He's good at being angry, shit at being cockney. Imagine Vinnie Jones playing a Yakuza mobster.
2) These films always try too hard. Unfortunatley it seems virtually impossible for actors to act like football hooligans without looking like that kid at school who tried to convince everyone he had got into a football fight once by swaggering a bit, using the 'fackin hell' vernacular, and saying 'waaaaaay' sometimes. In fact everyone knew that kid was just a middle-class tryhard, essentially just like these actors.
3) Annoying bits- trains to Manchester do not leave from Kings Cross, 'bubbles' is always sung with arms in the air, East London hospital does not exist. Could go on, but wont.
4) Tried to copy the formula of I.D. (which is actually the best hooligan film out there, still not that good though) New guy(s) infiltrate firm, get very involved and find themselves enjoying it, scandal when found out whether falsely or not, all goes tits up...yadda yadda
5) These films have missed the boat. This kind of stuff doesn't really happen any more. Old Bill are all over it. Was still around in the late eighties early nineties (when ID was made), but trying to recreate it in a contemporay environment is missing the point. And somewhat glorifying it. Getting the train away from Bolton away recently, i saw a bunch of scally wannabe thugs chucking stuff at the train chanting 'where's your fucking GLE' (GLE being the firm in the film).

As usual, if you know nothing about the English football scene, let alone hooliganism, you might enjoy it. Otherwise it is really quite annoying.

Moral of the story: films about football hooliganism could be really good. But never are.

Political Football

Recently i had the chance to indulge two of my interests at the same time. For a module i am doing on Israeli politics, i gave a presentation on the impact of football on the Arab-Israeli conflict, specifically the role it plays in exacerbating/dissolving the ethnic cleavages within Israel itself.

The link is a transcript of the presentation, a little rough around the edges, but you'll get the jist.

Full Transcript

Mourinho Boo-Boo Number Two!

Two blogs in one day you lucky lot...I couldn't help myslelf...you'll understand.

So, it turns out the best team in West London is...Fulham! And you won't believe it, it happened again...Mourinho messed up!

Despite having constructed the finest squad the Premiership has ever seen (I won't mention how much it cost, that would be boring) Mourinho's style is mainly about, well, style. The Special One does a lot of things for the sake of image, essentially this is what he is about. He jaunts around, the personification of arrogance, and this rubs off on his team- often seemingly invinveable: they have walked the Premiership. He runs out first at Barcelona to take the flack for his team- not before telling the world he was going to do so. An sometimes, when he's feeling most rebellious, he makes a double substitution after 23 minutes. What a renegade, he just doesn't give a shit. But let me be the first to say 'José fucked up, na na na na na' (in a very annoying voice)

Unfortunately Jose my friend, image can be very important in football, but it will not tanslate in raw tactics. A double substitution after 23 minutes has to be the most egotistical substitutions of them all. The headlines write themselves, 'Mourinho master-stroke changes game!'...'Double-switch saves the day!' and so on. Essentially, like changing the lineup against Barcelona...the change is mainly about image. By doing so Mourinho wanted the turnaround to be because of something he did.

Tactically both decisions were questionable. I have discussed at lenght the defficiencies of his lineup at the Camp Nou. Yesterday's decicion showed similar impatience. Shaun Wright-Phillips was having a poor game, and hadn'r beaten their left-back once. But SWP is one of those players who gets tackled 5 times in a row, before skinning his man at the 6th attempt and setting up a goal. He was having a stinker when he came on for England against Uruaguay, and then he set up the goal...for Joe Cole. Joe Cole is on the form of his life, but was another victim of the Mourinho ego-tactic.

Mourinho tried to make a tactical masterstroke, but forgot the tactical bit, battering the confidence of Cole and SWP in the process (the looks on their face when they trotted off said it all). The variation of 4-3-3 that Mourinho- to his credit- has mastered at Chelsea is the key to their success: two defensive midfielders behind Lampard, two attacking wingers behind Crspo/Drogba. BUT, twice in a row when he has found himself in trouble he has deviated from this formula, this time changing to an akward 4-4-2, rather than having faith in his players, and a bit of patience- but in both cases moving the onus to him.

When this works, he looks like a genius. When it doesn't (Camp Nou, Craven Cottage) he deservadly looks like a twat.

The Charm of Siria B

Whilst in Sicily this weekend i went to the second Siria B game of my life... Catania Vs. Triestino (1-1)

I first saw a Siria B game about three years ago when me and two friends decided to watch Venezia whilst in Venice. The game stood out for two reasons; firstly it was really quite poor- the gulf in class between Siria A and B makes the Championship look sexy by comparison. Secondly it was the scene of perhaps my greatest footballing faux pas. Having grown a centurianesque strap of facial hair for the occasion, I suplemented my unmistakeable Italianness by buying a replica Venezia top...No 9: Stefan Schwoch. I couldn't lose. But I did.

A brief glance down the team sheet revealed that Mr Schwoch had recently been transferred to the visiting team Vicenza, and proceeded to score the two goals that beat Venezia on the day 2-1. Needless to say the offending item was sheepishly removed poste haste. Schowch is pictured above in Vicenza colours.

The Catania-Triestino game was similarly shite, but again was made stroy-worth by a series of heart-warming moments. I hadn't actually planned to go to the game and at 2pm i was on a train an hour outside of Catania on the slopes of Etna. Normally when I'm away i will try to catch a local game, but recently introduced anti-violence legislation has made doing this in Italy a bit of a hassle- each ticket has to be pre-bought and personalised.

I met a guy on the train in Catania colours (red and white) who proceeded to talk to me for an hour about how Catania was his life before passing me onto an old man who i was told would take me to the stadium. I was quite confused by the whole thing, i tried explaining that i didn't have a ticket but this didn't seem to matter. I was even more confused, and then touched, when the first guy bid me fairwell with a kiss on each cheek- it seems even Italian football hooligans roll like this.

The walk to the stadium with the old man was brilliant. I said things like 'Del Piero..magnifico!' and he said things like 'Rooney...eeeeeeh', and so on. The international language of football my friends. When we got there the old man started talking to a grizzled dodgy-looking type and then asked me for 20 euros, which for some reason i gave him. For a moment i thought it was going to be one of those stories, but sure enough a ticket for the curva nord was thrust in my hand...in the name of one Salvatore Costentino.

I had three minutes to become Salvatore, and having adjusted my walk slightly i was amazed that the security man asked to see some ID. At this stage my little old man launched into a tirade of defence, justiculating in frenzied animation. Within seconds I was in the ground, with the old amn slapping me on the back smuggly reoeating 'mo problemo, no problemo'. My hero. When in Sicily I guess...

As with all Italian games, there was really two show going on: the Ultras conducting the crowd with loudspeakers (v interesting) and the game itself (less so). It always amazes me that almost two hours before Italian games the Ultras are already arriving unravelling their flags. The guys with the loudspeakers don't even watch the game. Nutters. Anyway...Forza Catania, Palermo Merda!

P.s. if you ver find yourself football-starve in Italy on a Sunday, head to a betting shop, one of the few establishments that do not abide by the Catholic tradition of shutting everything on Sundays (pretty mean considering Pope John Paul II was apparantly a mean goalie in his youth). The shops show English, Italian and Spanish football all day, through a haze of cigarette smoke and local banter.

One In, One Out (oh, and another two out)

So, the first knockout stage of the Champions League is over for our British teams. My reflections:

Chelsea Vs. Barcelona
Player for player, Chelsea are better than Barcelona. As a friend of mine commented, however, Chelsea are a ‘solid’ team: virtually all 8 out of 10 players, with perhaps Crespo and Lampard poking the boundaries of world class. Ronaldinho is a 10 out of 10 player, and has the capacity to nullify the collective worth of a team full of 8s.

Secondly, something that I think is often overlooked is the quality of Barcelona’s defence. I believe Marquez (above right) to be vastly underrated, and commands the Barca defence, Terry style. Puyol on form is one of the best defenders in the world. Oleguer and Van Bronkhorst are decent, and Edmilson and Motta do the job cleaning up. Their main strength, however, is organisation. Whilst they may not be individually brilliant, Barca are a team that know how to defend. Over two legs they conceded a single goal (lets face it Chelsea’s penalty last night was a joke) to a team that has pissed all over the Premiership. They didn’t give Chelsea’s creative players time on the ball, and closed down Chelsea attacks from midfield quickly and firmly. I don’t need to say anything about Barca’s attack.

Thirdly, drumroll, I feel Mourinho made a tactical error in the second leg. Chelsea needed to score twice at the Camp Nou, and the special one decided to do this by twisting rather than sticking. By moving Cole to central midfield he changed the formula that has made Chelsea so formidable this year. The players often seemed unsure what to do when they had the ball, and the usual options weren’t presenting themselves. This is because they were forced to get used to something new at the same time as trying to win the most important match they have had all year.

Mourinho’s line-up was deliberately attacking, but they can be as attacking as they want with their tried and tested midfield, they just needed to go for it. They missed Gudjonsson’s distribution in the middle pinging it out to Cole and Robben on the wings. Joe Cole is awesome on his game, but he is not the type of player to sit in the middle of the park and run proceedings. Cole is always going to attack defences, so let him do it from the wing, rather than having him in the centre where his marauding requires Lampard to be more restrained than otherwise. It sounds odd, but even playing Maniche instead of Duff would have meant Chelsea could have attacked in a format they know well and are more likely to succeed with: two defensive midfielders freeing Lampard to get on the ball and have a crack, and their two best wingers, Cole and Robben, twisting up the flanks.

Arsenal Vs. Real Madrid
As I have commented previously, there are fundamental problems at Real Madrid, all of which reared their head tonight. Ronaldo was lazy, Zidane did what he could (which to be honest is not much anymore) and tactically Caro got it all wrong. From the kick-off Real tried to lift balls towards a deeply unimpressive Ronaldo for him to hold up or try to break through the Arsenal defence. Arsenal’s highly motivated defence were all over him from the outset, winning virtually every ball in the air, and yet Real Madrid kept on trying the same tactic for 90 minutes.

Simultaneously, Arsenal play best against teams that try to play 'proper', open football against them. This is because, chances are, they are better than you at it. They stutter when Robbie Savages are glued to their hips pinching their ears. Closing down voraciously and maintaining a tight combative midfield is not in Real Madris's DNA, especially when they have to win. Graveson is big, strong and has a skinhead. He is not, however, a defensive midfielder and never has been. He has good distribution and a decent strike, but does not have a defensive mentality and had no idea how to deal with an Arsenal midfield expert at scurrying. In any case, when Guti dropped and played the libero role he looked much better in front of the back two than Graveson. Neither of them kept up with Arsenal all night.

Hleb (right) looked like he had been playing the Arsenal way all his life, and together with Fabregas (who I have underrated), Ljungberg and an ever-present Uncle Thierry cut up a desperate looking Real midfield with vintage Arsenal geometric passing. Even Reyes had a good game as he did in the first leg, despite missing a sitter, noticeably raising his game for the Spanish audience. Ebou and Toure made a number of forward runs which split the priorities of the Real midfield and defence, eliminating a ‘keep to your man’ defensive strategy. Henry was all on his own up front. He is, however, one of the two players in the world (the other being Ronaldinho) who it is seemingly impossible to outnumber. All in all, the best team won.

Rangers Vs Villareal, Liverpool Vs. Benfica
Neither team had the quality to progress. In reality Rangers wouldn’t have thought they had. Liverpool, mistakenly, thought they did. Wake up! Gerrard id the only world class player they have, their strikers are not (or no longer) in any way prolific, they need two more quality midfielders, and more depth in defence. Until these problems are remedied they have no right to complain at not being in the quarter-finals of the greatest club tournament in the world.

I will say this only once. It feels dirty but I’m going to do it. Well done Arsenal, and good luck.

Terrace Humour

Cheers to KUMB for this, some rib-tickling terrace melodies...no offence...to anyone!!

To the tune of The Addams Family, by fans visiting Norwich:

"Your sister is your mother Your uncle is your brother You all f@*k one another The Norwich family der der der der clap clap etc"

Sung at Highbury when Cygan is drafted in as emergency cover...

"He's bald, He's sh*t, He gets a game when no-one's fit, Pascal Cygan! Pascal Cygan!"

Sung at Liverpool:

"He's big, he's red, his feet stick out of Bed, Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch"

To the tune of Craig David - Rewind:

"VAN PER-SIE, WHEN A GIRL SAYS NO - MOLEST HER"

To Graham Rix when he was released from prison after being convicted for, well, you know... (To the Manic Street Preachers song):

"If you tolerate RIX, then your children will be next"

A song about Tim Howard's tourettes syndrome, chim-cmimeny style.....

"Tim timminy, Tim timminy, Tim Tim Tirooo
We've got Tim Howard and he says F*CK YOU!!"

Toon fans to JF Hasselbaink. He even laughed!:

"You're just a fat Eddie Murphy"

Manyoo fans to the G-Unit, to the tune of 'Rebel, Rebel':

"Neville Neville, you play in defence,
Neville Neville, your play is immense,
Neville Neville, like Jacko you're bad,
Neville Neville is the name of your dad"

Scousers:

"Don't blame it on the Biscan,
Don't blame it on the Hamann,
Don't blame it on the Finnan,
Blame it on Traore,
He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet. He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet."

Celtic fans to Andy Goram after its revealed the chubby keeper was diagnosed with Schizophrenia:

"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams..."

Hahahaha.