Benji's Balls

Move along now, nothing to see here

2009-01-23T18:15:00.009Z

I don't spend much time round here any more, so do pop over to Benji's Blog for a much sexier, multi-Benji experience, or click the links to the left to find me piffling around elsewhere on the web.

By all means have a rummage around this blog, but I'm telling you it's largely waffle. For example, I once predicted that Cesc Fabregas would never make it at Arsenal because he was too small. In the same post I asserted that Arturo Lupoli would be a Premier League sensation. Thanks.

Football and Sex

2008-09-18T16:21:00.004Z

As you might have deduced from this cunningly rendered image to the left, I have started a new blog, entitled Football and Sex. It is not just about football and sex. It is about football and lots of things- an occasional musing on football and something else. Look out for Football and Race, Football and Iain Duncan Smith, and Football and Jesus. But the first post and the title is Football and Sex because I am shallow and frivolous. ##UPDATE: I AM UPDATING F&S WITH ALARMING IRREGULARITY, BUT WILL GET BETTER, HONEST.##

Better than me

2008-09-11T11:24:00.002Z

Hello all. Just popping in to tell you a few things that are better than me.

1) The Gaffer
This is better than me in many ways. It is also run by a superb chap by the name of Thom Gibbs. He is better than me. It is prolific and very funny, including wonders such as Les Reed's tactical masterclasses, and the recent revelation that Alan Curbishley never actually met Hayden Mullins.

2) The Fiver
This is better than me again for many reasons. It is run by the motley Grauniad.co.uk footy team, who are funny. It is a bit of an in-joke fest, but that's ok.

3) Jimmy Bullard
Jimmy is better than me at various things. Football, hair, and - crucially - leapfrogging:

the gaffer the fiver thom gibbs jimmy bullard

Introducing...Benji's Bands

2008-03-28T12:52:00.002Z

Hello again. As you may have noticed, Benji's Balls has been on an extended slumber, which may or may not be fatal. Let's see.

In the meantime, I've decided to start Benji's Bands, which will infrequently document the gigs that I go and see. Do pop over and peruse my uneducated observations. I can guarantee that it will be slightly more exciting than West Ham's midfield link-up play during the 07-08 season, but not as entertaining as the fact that Robbie Savage has an Armani tattoo.

They think it's all over...

2007-12-20T14:14:00.000Z

Well it might well be. Dunno really. As all nine of my regular readers may have noticed, things have been a bit sparse here of late. The amazing truth is that I have been rather (gasp) busy over the last little while, getting paid to write stuff innit. Of all things! So, if I may indulge oneself during this moist-eyed farewell, here were a few of the highlights:

We observed Fergie’s intriguing political dabblings.
We realized that Joey barton is in fact a paradigm of post-Freudian Faginism.
My Balls turned one and I realized that I am more or less a footballing Nostrodamus
We discovered that Steve Maclaren and Gordon Brown are in fact the same person
We watched with sheer joy as Maxi Rodriguez’s ‘flying girl slap’ took the World Cup by storm.

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be writing stuff like “Berlin is really hip, man” in the Grauniad (read my latest pieces here), taking photos of culture and that kind of bizzle here, and doing something or other over at Youngin Europe. If you want to get in touch, follow the email links on the left. No porn spam. Ok, some, but not too much. It’s been emotional.

On Holiday

2007-07-02T15:12:00.000Z

Greetings from abroad. Just thought I'd let you know that Benji's Balls will be taking a short vacation whilst I am exploring the cultural intricacies of the continent (see pic). If you are in need of some footballing shits and giggles during my sabbatical, dear readers, all seven of you, including me, simply click on the following.

First up, the ever-excellent Mediawatch over at F365 is, well, excellent. And in an intriguing recent development, Colin Murray seems to have nabbed the saturday Grauniad backpage sports column from right under Russell Brand's nose! Ooh the impudence! (As Brand might chirp). Although it pains me to big up a man with probably the greatest CV on the planet (he presents football, baseball, poker, music- recently the BBC's Glasto coverage) Murray is doing a good job. Read the annoyingly likeable bugger's recent columns here, here, and here. And, of course, do keep those eyes peeled for anything Barney Ronay does. Ooh, and keep an eye on silly season here. Right then, I'm off. Peace in the Middlesbrough.

Oh, just before I go, a quick announcement. Benji's Balls is proud to confirm the signing of Juan Roman Riquelme for the start of the 2007/08 season. If Everton can do it, why can't I?

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related posts:
Vote Fergie Watch: Week Two
Joey Barton: A Fagin of Our Times (part 2)

Related Tags: Mediawatch, Football 365, The Guardian, Colin Murray, Russell Brand, Barney Ronay, Everton, Juan Roman Riquelme

Henry - The Flash Poll

2007-06-17T15:25:00.000Z

Will he or won't he? But enough about Ziggy and whether or not he'll nob that northern lass. Guffaw!

It seems the future of The Humble One is in doubt. Either I'm Bill Murray or we did this all last year. But anyway. I decided to poll my Gooner mates on whether or not Arsenal still need Thierry Henry. In doing so, I realised that I have way too many friends who support Arsenal, and will be using this post to let you decide which one should be dispensed of.

So...which gooner should be ceremoniously dumped...you decide. Many thanks, comments at the bottom please. So boys... take it away. Do Arsenal still need Thierry Henry?

Gooner One: Ian Beth
Yes of course we do. I thought you out of all people would find another footballing subject to talk about during the summer. If he leaves i say thank you very much and good luck with your career. If he does not we have a great footballer playing for us. I think the real question should be if Henry leaves what will fill up time on Skysports News and fill columns in the papers.

Gooner Two: Jimmy H
We need him like a fat boy needs cake. Not so much for the premiership, but for his imput in the Champions League where that extra bit of class and experience is required.

Gooner Three: David Brill
Henry on form - there is no team in the world that wouldn't want / need him in their side.

But the jury is out on whether such form is now a thing of the past. He seems to be struggling with injuries that he never had before. Not to mention this issue of 'burnout' from the world cup, which can be perceived as a bit of a wooly excuse. He's nearly 30 and not getting any younger, and might also be getting a bit big for his boots by speaking out about boardroom issues that shouldn't concern him. Also his refusal to categorically commit his future to the club might just suggest that his heart is no longer in it, in which case we should probably let him go.

That's what people say. Not me though. I say he's probably the best player I've ever seen and if he goes I'll be upset. I'd keep him because, even though he may be less likely to hit that form again, if he does he's unplayable. It's the first season he's had any injuries and the man deserves a bloody break for Christ's sake. He's been a brilliant player for us for years, and it pisses me off that people get on his back after just one off season. And he still scored quite a few goals, including the winner against Man Utd. Chain him to the pitch, I say. Obviously leave him enough slack to run around some.

Do we need him? Yes. We don't score enough goals, so of course we do. And personally, I don't think RVP is the player others think he is. He's very good, but I think he is still some way off being a really consistent goalscorer. Likewise Adebayor. Potential? Yes. Bags of goals? Not yet.

Gooner Four: Chay Bainbridge
Thierry was, and may still be great. But trust in Wenger. IF Wenger sells its because he knows he is past it. Long live Samuel Eto'o!

Related Tags: Thierry Henry, Arsenal, Gooners, Arsene Wenger, Barcelona, David Dein

More Taylor Drivel

2007-06-05T07:46:00.000Z

Ok, I know I keep on going on about him, but Graham Taylor really is a silly, silly man. This am, in an interview with the Mirror Taylor was dishing out some 'home truths' about our floundering national side. Usual fare; people expect too much from the England side, we've underachieved for a while blah blah.

And then, bang on time, he did it again:

"Steve will have fewer and fewer players to choose from because 60 per cent of Premiership players are foreign, and that number will get higher and higher."

It isn't just that he is a terrible pundit, or that Graham Taylor talking about the England team is about as offensive as it gets (see USA 94)...but the guy is now becomeing some kind of footballing rent-a-xeno. It's pretty much all he does these days- see here and here. Enough is enough. Please someone stop this man.

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related posts
Why?
Oh would you just...

Related Tags: Graham Taylor, Premiership, Foreigners, England, Steve Maclaren, Estonia

Benji's Balls End of Season Awards

2007-05-20T14:32:00.000Z

Shit Season XI

Best Story
1) Paddy Kenny Gets Eyebrow Bitten Off By Mate
2) Mourinho Hides in Laundry Basket
3) Added Time MultiBall in Macclesfield

Best Writer
Barney Ronay. Guardian saturday sports sketch writer, has recently infiltrated the haughty pages of G2.

Best Regular Read
Football 365's Mediawatch

Best Entertainment Value
Joey Barton

Best Prediction
Fergie to Retire, Then Pursue Political Career (me). You wait, you just wait.

So, chucks, it's been emotional. Will be infrequently posting over the summer if I feel the need to chew some footballing fat. Also, there is the distinct possibility Benji's Balls will be coming atcha live from South America next season. Which could be mental. Oooow-lay.

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Related Posts
Benji's Balls World Cup 2006 Awards
Centurion!
My Balls Are 1!

Related Tags: Paul Robinson, Matthew Upson, Khalid Boulharouz, Titus Bramble, Gaizka Mendieta, Joey Barton, Ousemane Dabo, Michael Ballack, Andrei Shevchenko, Marlon Harewood, James Beattie, Paddy Kenny, Jose Mourinho, Macclesfield, Barney Ronay, Football 365, Mediawatch, Alex Ferguson, South America, Awards

Cursed Roeder Leaves Newcastle

2007-05-06T21:07:00.000Z

Reports are emerging that poor old Glen Roeder has parted company with Newcastle. Whilst this is another case of nice guys finishing last in football, and also a terrbile loss to the 'speaking in the third person' community, perhaps the biggest bummer for Roeder is that..it's happened again.

You see whenever Glen Roeder finishes 7th with a club, the season after always end in tears for him. When he finished 7th with Watford in 94/95 they were relegated the next year. Same thing happened with West Ham after they finished 7th in 01/02.

When Newcastle finished 7th last year, Roeder must have know he'd be in for it this season. If I was him i'd put a team of lawyers on the case to investigate the possibility of sueing the number 7. Teams of lawyers are all the rage these days.

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Related posts
Go on son, go on!!!
Roeder Catches the Toure Bug?

Related Tags: glen roeder, sacked, resigns, newcastle, west ham, watford, 7th, fired, leaves newcastle, freddy shepherd, sam allardyce, alan shearer

Vote Fergie Watch: Week 2

2007-05-02T12:16:00.000Z

A clevererer man than me once said: "When things happen quite often you have to start thinking of them as a chain of events rather than a series of isolated incidents, innit."

And, as has been the form on Benji's Balls over the last few weeks, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that Fergie is laying the foundations for a political career post-football. Last week we saw him adding his tuppence to the Scottish Unionist vs Nationalist debate, found out that he has been taking lessons from Al Gore, and that he is on first name terms with "Gordon and Tony".

And this week, Fergie has turned his attentions to the political hot potato of class. Reacting to some particularly peachy comments from Jose Mourinho on Christiano Ronaldo's upbringing, Sir Alex got all philiosophical on his ass:

"If someone comes from a poor, working-class background, it doesn't mean to say you are not educated. What Ronaldo has is principles, which is why he has not responded to the comments, whereas some people who are educated have no principles and that's without question in this case." [Red Issue]

Ooh, get him! Keep tuning in for more Fergie political skulduggery. Vote Fergie!

Related Tags: sir, alex, ferguson, fergie, mourinho, ronaldo, political, class, poor, uneducated, manchester, united, chelsea

Joey Barton: A Fagin of our Times (part 2)

2007-05-02T11:54:00.000Z

Joey, Joey, Joey. Once again, I began the week thinking Barton was a bit of a hero, openly criticising a few of Man City's players who, lets face it, have been shit all season. Allthough he didn't actually mention names, it was clear that Bernardo Corradi and £6m signing Giorgios Samaras, with 70 appearences and 9 goals between them were the chaff he was referring to. Once again, a shining example of a footballer actually speaking his mind, rather than the conveyer belt of durge that flows from the mouths of other PR-hypnotised players such as Fat Frank 'game of two halves' Lampard. Classic Barton.

Ans then, golly, Barton decided to cave team-mate Ousemane Dabo's face in after a late tackle in training:

"The midfielder has been suspended by Citeh for the rest of the season after a training-ground fight with Ousmane Dabo resulted in the Frenchman being taken to hospital. Dabo is reported to have been punched repeatedly by Barton after a row erupted during a practice match.

'After the two midfield players cut each other down with alternate late tackles, Barton taunted Dabo by telling him: "You're s**t." Dabo retaliated by telling Barton: 'You are not as good as you think you are,' and the players began to trade blows,' reports The Daily Mail.

"It was incredible. Joey was over Dabo and still hitting him while he was on the floor," an eyewitness told The Daily Mirrror." [footy365]

Once again, classic Barton.
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Related Posts:
Joey Barton: A Fagin of our Times
What do Sven's squads and Michael Owen's spare time have in common?
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Related Tags: joey, barton, ousmane, dabo, manchester, city, brawl, fight, suspended, stuart, pearce, training, ground, punch, hospital

Funny Ha Ha

2007-04-27T10:08:00.000Z

Have to share this rather crude, but rather funny gag with you, courtesy of me old mucker Jonny:

David Beckham is returning to England to speak at Alan Ball's wake. Being a dead ball specialist he is seen as the perfect man for the job.

Red Nev, Tory Oggy and Zapa Xavi

2007-04-26T18:12:00.000Z

We've been getting all political here on Benji's Balls this week, what with Fergie dabbling in politics and everything (see below). And here's some more footbolotics (© BL 2007) gems, gleaned from an article in yesterday's G-Diddy by the ever-excellent Barney Ronay:

- Cristiano Lucarelli, the Livorno striker, is the celebrity guest of honour at a UCL seminar called Money, Politics, and Violence this week.

- At the last general election Alex Ferguson posted a message on the government's website praising "two barnstorming speeches from Tony and Gordon". First name terms eh? See post below.

-Steve Ogrizovic campaigned for his local Tory candidate in 1987

-Robbie Fowler owns almost 100 houses as part of a £28m buy-to-let portfolio, despite his well documented Docker sympathies, pictured.

- Wigan manager Paul Jewell has a pet tortoise called Trotsky.

- Gary Neville has been considered a socialist (Red Nev) ever since stewarded a revolt in the England dressing room over Rio Ferdinand's drug test ban. Tenuous, but catchy.

- Xavier Zanetti convinced Inter Milan to donate €5,000 to help Zapatista rebels in Mexico.

Well hows about that eh? Best bit of the article comes when Ronay tries to pin down Eric Cantona's political tendencies, quoting from his autobiography:

"Perhaps you may find it odd that I think happiness does not come from being able to buy a car that one wants," he challenged in his autobiography, before reminding us that "the woods are full of bows and arrows"

Vote Fergie

2007-04-25T15:23:00.000Z

Smashing performance by Manure last night, adding no doubt to those tickling thoughts that United might just be onto something this season. Which got me thinking again about Grandpa Fergie and my theory that if Man Utd win lots this year he might retire in a blaze of glory.

Further evidence has popped up over the last few weeks. Most interestingly, Fergie seems to be dabbling in politics. It's a semi-natural progression- managing a Premiership footy team would arm any man with sufficient experience to deal with our immigrant and ASBO-infused political climate, cos, after all they're all thick, and mostly foreign. Boom boom.

Anyway. First up Fergie has been trumpeting the Scottish Unionist cause, taking on Sean Connery in a battle of the Sirs. Second, now this is fascinating, Alex Ferguson has been taking lessons from Al Gore on how to save the planet. Vote Fergie!

Jose Mourinho: Omnipitent, Omniscient, Omnipresent.

2007-04-24T10:59:00.000Z

This is probably my favourite story of the year so far. An 'inside source' has revealed to the Times that in defiance of a UEFA touchline ban during a Chumps League match against Bayern a few years back, Jose Mourinho employed all sorts of black arts to get instructions to his players, including laundry baskets, bobble hats, and loudspeakers.

"For the first leg at Stamford Bridge, Mourinho arrived early enough to get in position. He watched the game on a television in the dressing-room and, during the first half, communicated to his staff in the dugout by radio or telephone. “You can get mobile reception in the dressing-room,” the source said. “It depends what network and in what room.”

At the time, television commentators spotted and commented on the fact that Rui Faria, the fitness coach, had a strange kink in his bobble hat and repeatedly scratched his ear. It was the sort of kink that could be caused by a wire and earpiece. “It was so obvious, to keep playing with your ear like that,” the source said.

Suspicious of skulduggery going on under their noses, Uefa officials went down to the tunnel, but by then the players were back in the dressing-room and listening to a team talk from their manager.

One source claims that knowing that the listening device had been rumbled, Chelsea simply used more rudimentary communication in the second half. It was noted at the time that Silvinho Louro, the goalkeeping coach, made several trips back to the dressing-room. “He’s a nervous spectator,” a source close to Mourinho joked at the time, but Louro kept coming back with bits of paper that were passed to the other coaches. Whatever the pieces of paper contained, they tended to coincide with substitutions.

Mourinho was not waiting for the players at the end of the match, which Chelsea won 4-2, because he had already allegedly clambered into one of the kit skips. He was wheeled out of the dressing-room by members of the backroom staff and, it is believed, back into the leisure club in the Chelsea Village hotel at the ground, where it had been reported that he spent the entire evening.

In a passable impression of Inspector Clouseau, Uefa’s hapless officials left none the wiser. Insiders claim Mourinho was so thrilled that he joked openly about his trip in the skip in front of his players at training the next morning.

In the second leg, at the Olympic Stadium in Munich, there was a greater risk of detection if he tried to enter the dressing-room. The sources allege that Mourinho went into the stands to watch but, apparently flustered by the close attention of a camera crew, he quickly departed for the team hotel.

The privacy might have been useful. The Timeshas been told that a speaker had been set up in the dressing-room so that he could talk to the players over the telephone at half-time. “There was a massive speaker,” a source said. “José was at the hotel.” Uefa’s representatives had surpassed themselves yet again by approaching Faria to check if there was anything under his hat. There wasn’t.

In a recent biography to which Mourinho contributed, he boasted about how he overcame a touchline ban during his days at FC Porto by sending messages to his assistants from his seat in the stands via “a small, sophisticated telecommunications device”. He even listed the precise instructions, which included: “Tell Deco [the Porto midfield player] I’m p****d off, I want more!” and, “Pressure on linesman, everybody.”" [The Times]

You've got to hand it to him. If you're wandering what a Jose teamtalk sounds like, listen to a recently recorded one here.

Italian Neutrality

2007-04-20T13:29:00.000Z

This is brilliant. Imagine Motty and Sir Trev doing this...

Fergie and Jose in Faustian Pact?

2007-04-11T13:40:00.000Z

Now here's a thought. If Manure and Chelski both get to the Champion's League final...what's the betting that in a Peter Kenyon-inspired bit of back-of-the-alley skulduggery they do a deal? Chelsea ease off and let United take the title, whilst Chelsea are given the Chumps League?

Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. Just a thought though.

And here's another. If United win the double, or, nay, the treble, then surely Fergie will retire, no? He threatened to do so after the 99 treble but didn't. If I was Fergie I would retire in a blaze of glory. If he does I said it first, ok.

One more thought then i'm done. Chris Coleman was sacked last night, in somewhat of a surprise. Truth is, it shouldn't have been a surprise, it only was because he's a top fella. Then it hit me, all the 'top fellas' in football tend to be a bit rubbish, and consequently disposed of. See Pardew at West Ham, Ranieri at Chelscum, and Keegan at England. Ergo, if you want a successful manager, employ a knob. See Mourinho and Ferguson. And I'm spent.

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related posts
GO ON SON, GO ON!!!
The Twisted Tale of John Obi Mikel

2007-04-09T23:25:00.000Z

Just to let y'all know, I'm going to be guest posting for Jaunted's first Embedded Travel Guide series for the next few weeks, so do nip over and have a look.

I'm covering the small provincial town of London. The first post is on The Great Tube debate, unveiling the results of an emailed question I unleashed upon my address book last week. Best reply was from my good friend Karen Fransman:

"The Northern line still holds a special place in my heart. Very much like an old, flea ridden dog that should have been taken round the shed and shot in the head long, long ago."

Couldn't agree more.

Centurion!

2007-04-04T12:45:00.000Z

Well I never, tis my hundredth post, which in the blogosphere is quite the celebration. I'd like to thank a few people.

First of all, I'd like to thank South American football for being ridiculous, as we saw here, here, and here.

I'd also like to thank Joey Cole for being a hero, and for becoming a man in front of our very eyes.

I'd like to thank Tevez and Mascherano for getting me all excited.

I'd like to thank Graham Taylor for being such a buffoon by lamenting the ammount of foreigners in the Premiership, and generally just talking in public.

Finally, and most importantly, I'd like to thank Peter Crouch for being strangely sized, singing the hotstepper, and dressing up as a parrot.

Here's to another hundred!

Ronaldo Chased by Angry Thugs

2007-04-02T16:33:00.000Z

Cracking picture of Ronaldo being pursued by Brett Emerton and Christopher Samba in today's Grauniad. Went to the trouble of scanning the bugger for you lot. Enjoy. Hats of to Matthew Peters at Getty. Click to englarge (i think).

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related posts
Ronaldo: An Apology
Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait

Huge in Huelva

2007-03-28T17:47:00.000Z

It turns out that any old chaff can bang them in in La Primera 'Miguel Mouse' Liga. Not only is Freddie Kanoute currently top scorer, but improbably-named ex-scouser Florent Sinama-Pongolle has bagged 9 goals in 14 starts for Recreativo de Huelva.

Further evidence that La Liga really isn't that good. In other news, turns out Bolton really will buy any old shit.

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related posts
Who?!
Take That Primera Liga

Keepy Uppies, Junta Style

2007-03-27T13:31:00.000Z

Once again proving the age-old-addage that 'anything Ronaldinho can do the Burmese can do better'

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related posts
The Seal
To Me, To You

Footy, travel,etc.

2007-03-26T12:12:00.000Z

A quick tip of the hat to the Different Directions, another blog i regularly contribute to; the loudmouth brother of Youngin Europe. Which is a young person's guide to Europe (the clue's in the name you see)

The latest post is on 'The International Language of Football'. Have a butchers, i implore thee.

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related posts
Don't Patronise me - I'm Russian or Brazillian (or possibly Dutch or Scottish)
In Defence of Catania

Ronaldo: An Apology

2007-03-26T10:21:00.000Z

In a post-World Cup blog last summer, trying to find some positives in amongst the cacophony of English woe, I made the following comment:

"Hopefully we have seen the last of Chriatiano Ronaldo in the premiership. He is an absolutely brilliant player, but you'd have to be better than Ronaldinho to make up for the sheer amnmount of twattishness he has demonstrated."

Well, it turns out he is better than Ronaldinho. At the moment at least. At the time it seemed as if Ronaldo was packing his bags and nipping off to the Primera Liga, side-stepping an imminent lynching in England. I remeber thinking; if Ronaldo was a real man he would come bag to England, have the season of his life, and win United the league. Which is exactly what he has done. ***Benji tips his hat***

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related posts
Nippy Footwork
Always look on the bright side...

Why?

2007-03-24T12:52:00.000Z

Why why and more why do the BBC allow Graham Taylor to speak publicly? Why? He is pure shite. Really. I mean really. Come on beeb. Sort it out. Fair enough keeping Motty on, institution and all that, but Taylor has never said anything interesting, ever. And letting him talk about England? Well that's just rubbing the salt in. (see England's brilliant performance at USA 94).

In other news, England play Israel today, which is interesting of course because Israel can be a bit doolaly, politically speaking. And there are lots of Jewish England fans, which is slightly tricky. I am one, and for the record I am hoping for a 4-3 England victory, Yossi with three. Read a slightly interesting, but not very interesting article about the conundrum here.

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Related Posts
Political Football
Oh Would You Just...

Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait

2007-03-14T02:29:00.001Z

Just watched Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait, an intriguing film/art installation that tracks Zidedine Zidane throughout almost the entirety of a Real Madrid game Vs Villareal at the Bernabeu in 2005.

First up, this is not a documentary…it is a collage of 17 different playercams, shot in film rather than digi. This in itself is novel…watching football shot using the same cameras, filters and techniques used in a feature film is wierd, in a good way.

It goes on. After the first five minutes you are wondering if they are really gonna keep this up for than entire 90 minutes. They do (well almost- see below). Occasional subtitles from an interview with Zizou pop up, but only every now and then. A Mogwai soundtrack dips in and out. A lot of people will fast forward. I didn’t. But I am a football geek..this was a bit like porn. Hear me out.

***pretention warning***
Beyond the frequent examples of Zidane’s succulent touch, this is an insight into an enigma. My mum is a psychotherapist, and once told me that Zidane’s eyes were troubled eyes. It takes an hour for Zidane to smile in this game (after a brief jape with Roberto Carlos). Then like a baby with a hit of smile-induced serotonin it sticks for a while. It’s relief- for the vast majority of the game Zidane is a study (a portrait) of deep, deep intensity…powerfully devoid of emotion. Screaming silence, if you will.

Then the rub. Zidane is sent off. A brief flash of anger preceding…a brief flash of despair after. And that’s it. As with the entire enigma surrounding him, it asks a thousand questions…which remain unanswered. Is he an angry man? Is he happy? Where does the mist come from? Is it inherent of his genius? A documentary would have answered. The best thing about this is that it doesn’t. The enigma remains. As the subject of a grey area project teetering on the boundaries of art, film, character study, psychological profile, hagiography…Zidane is the perfect muse.

Is it a good film? Probably not. Is it a good piece of art? Well it left me thinking a lot of things…which probably means yes. At the very least, props to the directors for even doing this. It’s always nice when the highly browed of this world realise that this is more than just a game.

(first person to say, circa school playground, “well why don’t you just shag him then?” wins a prize)

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Related posts:
Zidane's Mozart Moment
Gor Blimery Guvernir, Mate

Joey Barton: A Fagin of our Times

2007-03-13T11:39:00.000Z

Ah Joey Barton. One day a local boy done good, next day a genetically-doomed hooligan. I, for some reason, like him, but am occasionally reminded that maybe I shouldn't.

Is he your mate? Is he about to cave your face in? You decide:

The Case Against
- Arrested last night for assaulting a cabbie.

- Swears at fans.

- Scrapping with Everton fans in Thailand, after whcih he bit Richard Dunne. As you do.

- Stubbed out a cigar in a City trainee's eye. (well they've got to learn somehow)

The Case For
- Gets stick every week for his lunatic brother's imprisonment for killing a guy with an axe (in a racially motivated attack- nasty) and yet has continually improved as a player over the last year, recently breaking into the England squad.

- Quite rightly accused the England players of cashing in on a decidedly shit World Cup Campaign by releasing 'my meaningless life so far..' books.

- Called Lampard fat at his first England training session.

- Moonied Everton fans a few months back, prompting superb 'Police probe Barton's Bottom' headlines. Pic above for the ladies.

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related posts:
What do Sven's squads and Michael Owen's spare time have in common?
Always look on the bright side...

Nippy Footwork

2007-03-09T10:35:00.000Z

This is why substitutes spend most of the game warming up, even if they don't get on: You never know how many Inter players you're gonna have to dodge after you've broken their mate's nose. So graceful as he runs....Christiano Ronaldo would be proud....

(Benji's Balls does not condone violence. It does, however, reserve the right to laugh at it.) -wait for the replay

A Pair of Idiots

2007-03-06T11:08:00.000Z

In the post a few weeks ago, i received a letter fromVirgin Media announcing that they were replacing NTL Telewest in my area. It was worded nicely; somewhat of an informal introduction (great business), and I was quite happy that this was happening- I've always liked old Dickie Branson...seemed like a bit of a rebel and all that (am I a sucker?)

Anyhoo. Some weeks later and I have been deprived of Sky Sports News, which is something like bread for me, and now both Sky and Virgin are blaming the other side, pulling eachother's hair, and totally and utterly forgetting about the consumer. If you are interested, the whole thing has been a rather fascinating unholy row. Read Branson's argument here, and James Murdoch's here.

I however, am no longer interested. I am pissed off. Sky are twats for rising their prices, Virgin are twats for not paying it. If anything, I am more pissed off at Virgin, even though I appreciate they are being screwed. Note to Branson: before you came along I was happily watching Georgie Thompson and whoever was sitting beside her. Now I am not. You do the maths. Oh, and saying...

"The Virgin Central [video on demand] channel is a great channel, it has brilliant programming already . . . we are going to really push that channel and put any money that we will save from this into getting fantastic programming for that."

...is laughable. Anyone who describes their own product as 'fantastic' knows that it isn't. I want my 24-hour Sports News back.

I am currently reviewing alternative entertainment options.

To Me, To You....

2007-02-26T00:48:00.000Z

cheers to Hugh for this.

Fat Ron, Fat Ron, and the curse of the Galactico

2007-02-23T19:27:00.000Z

So all the papers seem to be teasing poor old Ronald 'Pilsbury Dough Boy' Inho for the healthy little paunch he's developed around his mid-section.

Well my friends, although i've touched on this before, this is the predictable case of the 'curse of the Galactico'. In brief:

"Once a player has won blooming everything, he'll inevitably decline in form, and perhaps fitness, as there isn't really much for him to fight for any more. Know what I mean?" Benji Lanyado 2006

You see, good old Fat Ron has won it all: Lots of Leagues, The Chumps League, World Player of the Year etc... And rather like the Fat Ron before him (Ronaldo- except he never won the Chumps, but won the WC virtually single-handedly in 2002) quite understandably he isn't as arsed as he used to be.

Well I say fair play to the little fatso, put your feet up mate...maybe he could put them up on all the history books his name will be indellibly inscribed in forever more, regardless of what he does for the rest of his career. Make his a large.

The Future of Light Entertainment

2007-02-21T14:58:00.000Z

Yes my football-afflicted friends...behold the future. Actually this is slightly plagiarised from an 8 Brook Rd, Manchester prototype, but now is the time to tell the world. We've all been there...two matches on at the same time...?!!! Woe!

Fear not. Simply uses two TVs,one hooked up to the Digi skart, one to a normal aerial. Voila: multi-screen Champions League Tuesday. Thus I was able to see Lille make absolute tits out of themselves, and see Arsenal lose ....at the same time (if your mother only knew...boomedeboom)

You're welcome.

Random Relegation

2007-02-19T17:12:00.000Z

Here's a quick one for any of you who are feeling the depressing pinch of imminent relegation. We're not alone. In fact, a brief glance across the European leagues reveals a veritable rash of imminent random relegation.

Germany: Hamburg
Finished 3rd last year, now sitting second from bottom

France: Nantes Atlantique
Won the league in 2001, also now second bottom

Spain: Real Sociedad
Finished 2nd in 2003, now second bottom too.

Italy: Parma
Won UEFA Cup in 99, finished 2nd in 97, now...second bottom

And then of course there's always Leeds...who seem to be on the verge of fucking it in spectacular fashion...Chumps League semis in 2001...now bottom of the Championship.

So my fellow Irons, every cloud eh? I'm off to drink White Ace on a street corner...but in a positive way.

McClaren & Brown in 'Same Person' Shock!!!

2007-02-09T13:14:00.000Z

McClaren:
"Chortle. You know what's great...? I'll tell you. This totally un-creepy media smile i've developed is completely covering up the fact that i'm shitting it. Thank God for all that media training from Max"

Brown:
"Titter. Wow! This totaly un-creepy media smile i've nailed in the last few years is totally covering up the fact that i'm shitting it. Thank God for all that media training from Pete and Ali"

Anyone? Anyone?

In Defence of Catania...

2007-02-05T19:09:00.000Z

Italy's collective responsibilty thang when it comes to dealing with their frequent footballing skulduggery does my head in. The whole league was delayed for a few weeks at the beginning of the season so that Juventus and the others could be punished for match-fixing, meaning everyone had to deal with the fixture congestion and lack of projected revenue because of what had gone on at only four of the league's clubs. And then they let Fiorentina and Milan off anyway.

A bunch of pricks kill a policeman in Catania, suddenly both clubs (Palermo is the other one) are the devil's football teams, and the whole league is abandoned again. Because of a bunch of pricks.

For the record, Catania is a really nice city. If you're arsed, here's a writeup i did. I also had a thoroghly lovely footballing experience there, described here. This is the man i went to the game with, who was a lovely chap:

..and here's the fans being excited, which is nice too (click to enlarge):

A bunch of thugs do not define an island, or even it's football teams, just like a bunch of currupt businessmen do not describe the whole league. Why not hit the perpetrators hard, and let the rest get on with it eh? Maybe it's a bit of karma that Italy won the World Cup.

--------------------------------
in other news...Ashley Cole and Wayne Bridge are injured, and somehow Steve Maclaren decides not to call up Matt Taylor, and will probably play Gareth Barry at left back, despite the fact that Gareth Barry has been playing in midfield for the last few years. Maybe this is because Matt Taylor is gay, a generally acknowleged truth, and Steve Maclaren is a backward homophobe; another generally acknowleged truth. Ooh, get me.

Here's to Javi

2007-01-29T23:15:00.000Z

It has just been announced that Javier Mascherano has joined Liverpool on loan, somehow bending FIFA's two-clubs-a-year-max rule. But this is a good thing. Over the last few months, poor old Javi has been well and truly done in the preverbial. I only hope it isn't about to happen again.

Javi was the victim of one of the most bizarre transfers of all time, explained in an article that recently popped on this usually in-the-know site. Over the past few months I have heard similar doing the rounds in the pubs near Upton Park. The basic jist- while Tevez is allowed to play as much as he likes, Mascherano's contract was cut of a thoroghly more cynical cloth. If Mascherano exceeded a certain ammount of games for the club, West Ham had to cough up an awful lot of cash.

When Joorabchian's takeover bid failed, Mascherano was left as the unwanted sweetener that hadn't sweetened much at all. The money was due to Joorabchian, who saw himself as the future owner of the Hammers- therefore making any 'payment' a bit like paying yourself. But as he didn't buy the club, the deal made absolutely no financial sense for the new Icelandic owners. Ergo, Mascherano hasn't even made the bench for the past dozen games, whilst Nigel Quashie started our last few games in defensive midfield.

The moral of the story: Allowing a person, or a business to own a player is a thoroghly horrible idea, and has resulted in an extremely talented young footballer being moved to another country for nothing. Hopefully a similar move isn't being mooted at Liverpool, although they couldprobably afford the cash. If FIFA kick up a fuss about Mascherano moving to Liverpool, without saying anything about it being ok that a footballer is owned by a third party, they are a bunch of prats.

And yes, I did think this whole thing was a good idea a few months back. I was wrong.

Who?!

2007-01-26T17:13:00.000Z

You couldn't write it, you really couldn't. Villa have snapped up Carew, West Ham got Lurce Neill, and Big Sam...has pull off the coup of the century by signing not only Lubomir Michalik, but Zoltan Harsanyi too! Of course he has!

Return flight to Bratislava: £34.99
Pint of Zlatý Bažant: 75p
Bolton's transfer policy: Priceless

One for the Stattos

2007-01-10T17:32:00.000Z

Found a great site today, which steers a statistical path through all the current transfer lunacy by putting everything into tables. Papers are rated on their accuracy, teams have tables relating to who has been most linked to them, and the latest transfers are all logged as they happen.

Where else could you find out that Alan Gow of Falkirk is currently the second most linked player in the country? Seriously though, this is an enjoyable browse.

Football Transfer League

My Balls Are 1!

2007-01-07T18:34:00.000Z

As with most birthdays, i'm a day late with this one, but hey ho. Benji's Balls has been strutting the hallowed touchline of footballing shits and giggles for a year now. To celebrate, here's a collection of of my more inspired moments:

I warned the world off Benni McCarthy
what happened: Blackburn bought him, worked out pretty well

I predicted Kerrea Gilbert and Arturo Lupoli to graduate from the current Arsenal kiddie crop, whilst predicting Fabregas wouldn't make it
what happened: Gilbert on loan at Cardiff, Lupoli off to Derby, Fabregas a God.

I rubbished an Observer article suggesting Brazil would underachieve at the World Cup
What happened: Brazil underachieved

I tipped Carragher to be England's defensive midfield solution (I mean really...)
What happened: Turns out Hargreaves is ace.

I worked out the secret philosophical formula behind international success
What happened: I woke up, and vowed never to blog drunk again.

Many thanks, and do keep tuning in.

Benji 'Nostradamus' Lanyado

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T21:26:00.000Z

Happy New year to you all. To celebrate the birth of 2007, here's a picture of Joleon Lescott- proud owner of the wierdest and largest forehead in the Premiership.

Crouch the Parrot

2006-12-19T13:17:00.000Z

When things like this happen, I realise why life really is an anadulterated joy. Here's some pics from the Liverpool Xmas party.

First up, Sami Hyppia as Zorro:

Second, Dirk Kuyt as Superman:

My personal favourite, Luis Garcia as Huggy Bear:

Finally, joy, joy and more joy. Further confirming that he is quite possibly the best value human being on the planet, Peter Crouch turned up as a giant parrot:

And the best team in the world is...

2006-12-18T09:57:00.000Z

Internacional. Obviously. Second went to Barcelona, thrid to Al-Ahly. Obviously. What a load of doggy doo. link

I hereby declare never again to talk/think/write about the FIFA World Club Cup, won by Sao Paolo last year and the equally un-important Internacional yesterday. I mean really. Why do they bother. It should be a formality. Best team in Europe= best team in world. nuff said.

Ronaldinho, I'm very angry at you. How could you not beat those bunch of losers. Grr. Humbug.

Take that Primera Liga

2006-12-15T11:33:00.000Z

For a while now it has been fairly obious...yet I feel it need's the Benji's Balls seal of approval:
THE PREMIERSHIP SHITS ON SIRIA A AND THE PRIMERA LIGA (AND THE BUNDASLIGA CAN PISS OFF TOO)!!

Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man Utd....all won their Chumps League groups. Spurs, Blackburn, and eve bloody Newcastle all won their UEFA cup groups. Pretty good. I reckon we're gonna win the World Cup. There, I've said it.

p.s. This may or may not be interesting, but I found the Champions League draw a bit spooky. This may be tenuous:

Liverpool Vs Barca: The last two winners play eachother

Man Utd. Vs Lille: United play the team who virtually knocked them out last year

Chelsea Vs Porto: Mourinho returns to former club

Real Madrid Vs Bayern: Played eachother in knockout stages in four out of last seven tournaments

Inter Vs Valencia: Involved in player and manager transfers a few years back; Hector Cuper, Kily Gonzalez and Farinos all went from Valencia to Inter

Arsenal Vs PSV: Van Persie returns to former club (ok this one is a bit shit)

Anyone who can make a Lyon-Roma or Celtic-AC Milan link wins a prize...

Curbs in, and NRC feigns a push...

2006-12-13T15:43:00.001Z

So Alan Curbishley is confirmed as the new West Ham manager. I guess following an Alan with an Alan saves on paperwork.

In the press conference one of the questions fired at him was the status of Nigel Reo Coker, rebuffed with a 'let's wait and see' type comment. Since me and Stubbsy's little chat last week on 606 the 'what's going on with NRC' debate has gathered pace.

Firstly was Stubbsy's comment on Match of the Day on Saturday night, "West Ham fans tell me that Reo-Coker's not playing well"... in a way this was me being on MOTD. Well that's what I told my mum anyway.

Yesterday Matt Scott wrote an excellent piece in the Grauniad in which he directly mentioned NRC's loss of form, the first national to pin-pointed the issue, and linked it to Arsenal's bid before the window closed, as I did on 606. It's all linked to me you see.

Today, NRC is atributed to a statement in which he fears for his future, stating "everyone keeps saying I should be sacked and it's all my fault we've been doing so badly." Read the mini-statement here. Doth I hear the unmistakeably dim sounds of 'I was pushed, I didn't jump..honest' rhetoric? Idiot.

Indirectly, I am probably responsible for everything that has happened at West Ham this week. And New Labour's re-election. Polonium 210 nothing to do with me though, I prefer cyanide.

And I am also the woman who Pardew had an affair with...the sub-plot to everything that has been going on at Upton Park recently. I'm actually serious on this one. Not being the woman, but the affair...this has been silenced in the press because of an ongoing court case and 'death' threats. Trust me. Will be in the papers soon. V murky indeed.

yours,
Benji 'Svengali' Magnusson.

Official: Benj and Stubbsy Best Mates

2006-12-07T00:15:00.000Z

At 10.52 tonight me and Ray Stubbs had a quiet chat on the 606 phone-in. National radio my friends.

Link here Fast forward to 52 minutes and listen to me go.

West Hamasson: The Verdict

2006-11-21T23:59:00.000Z

So, West Ham have been bought by Periluigi Collina's dad. And it turns out he's an Icelandic bloke who goes by the name of Magnusson. Anyway, this has been, for obvious reason, a situation I have followed closely... voici mon observations:

- This is the lesser of two evils. In fact the Magnusson consortium doesn't seem that evil at all. The bloke has been the head of the Icelandic FA, and clearly knows his football. His financier, Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson, has an ever so slightly 80s track record, but name me someone who got rich in the 80s who hasn't.

- The Joorabchian consortium was fucked from the moment Caborn and the Olympic comittee all but ruled out a move to the Olympic stadium after 2012. Joorabchian's Israeli financier Eli Papouchado is first and foremost a property developer, and had his eyes on the Upton Park real estate.

- Don't expect Yossi Benayoun to stick around for too long. His agent, or should I say superagent Pinhas Zahavi, was due to be the Joorabchian dealbroker, having arranged Chelsea's sale to Roman Abramovic, and been heavily involved in Joorabchian's skulduggery at Corinthians (he is due half of any fee they receive for Carlos Alberto, the ex-Porto midfielder due to move to Europe soon). Yossi was recently tied down to a contract until 2011 by West Ham...they knew what they were doing, I believe his tenure at West Ham was conditional on the deal. At least now we'll get some decent dough. This is a real shame, Benayoun is a brilliant player.

-Jesus I feel sorry for Mascherano and Tevez, the poor guys are pawns in this whole thing. Surely they won't be staying for long now that father-figure Joorabchian is out of the equation. This said, I reckon Tevez will stay, and Mascherano will go in January.

So. Done deal. I was getting a little bored to be honest. I'm off to make a fortune selling biscuits...

Join Me.

2006-11-19T12:57:00.000Z

Sorry for lack of blogs, I've been pretty busy (I'm as surprised as you are). Anyway, thought I'd let you know that fat-bloke Paddy Kenny getting his eyebrow bitten off by ONE OF HIS MATES(!) was in fact only the second funniest thing to happen in football over the last few weeks...

Last monday an FA Cup game between Macclesfield and Walsall was disrupted when some absolute genius, perhaps inspired by Bud's "added-time multi-ball" advert, kicked 36 balls onto the pitch from outside the ground. Incredibly, despite scouring the web, I cannot fnd a video of this event, but trust me it was hillarious.

Anyway, I feel that blustery night up north was the beginning of something important. Very important. Football's equivalent of flash-mobbing...totally legal, totally bizarre, totally hillarious. Maybe it'll be called "ball-clogging" or "flash- balling", who knows. Either way I'm in.

***Please let me know if you want to join my "flash-balling" gang"*** email details on left. probably have to be London based. more details to follow.

Because I Feel Like It

2006-11-07T11:46:00.000Z

Charlton travel to Chesterfield tonight in the 4th round of the League Cup. Iain Dowie bloody loves playing away up north in the 4th round of the League Cup...just look at this:

Don't Patronise me - I'm Russian or Brazillian (or possibly Dutch or Scottish)

2006-11-03T14:54:00.000Z

Apologies for dearth of posts, have been moving mansion. I now live in the heart of Arsenal territory. What was I thinking.

Anyway, special sorry to me old bud Owen Shackman, who having accompanied me to Russia a few weeks ago, has blessed us all with a hotdiggidydamn post on Russian football, inspired in part by our trip to see the mighty Zenit St Petersburg shit on a Gary O'Conner 'inspired' (scored, a cracker actually) Lokomotiv Moscow. Take it away Shack...

“…on the night they had been consistently beaten to the punch by an efficient, effective and perhaps underrated outfit.”

Above are the words from www.Arsenal.com describing Arsenal’s defeat in Moscow to CSKA (or say-ass-ka loosely phoneticised from the Russian). In my experience, this considered approach (by Arsenal.com) to analyzing Russian football is somewhat of an anomaly in the world of football journalism, publications and newspapers instead acting on hunch that “’cos they’re from Russia, they’re probably not as good”.

The “casual” attitude towards Russian teams that the CSKA goalkeeper Igor Akinfeev observed is reflected in The Times’s Champions League preview, predicting Arsenal to finish top of the group, CSKA bottom, which instantly surprised me – Champions of Russia, UEFA Cup Winners in 2005 (something even the mighty Arsenal failed to achieve), six full Russian and three new Brazil internationals – obviously don’t stand a chance then do they? It therefore does not surprise me to find CSKA top of the group and in a tremendous position to qualify for the next stage where they will undoubtedly be written off as a “surprise package”. Pipe down Tyldesley, steady on Rosenthal – give these boys the respect they deserve.

I am of course fairly biased, having studied and lived in Russia, but as an Arsenal fan, I found myself with mixed feelings at kick off at 5.30 nearly two weeks ago. I was almost willing CSKA on to get a goal and show these quick-to-judge newspapers and TV reporters that these Ruskies can play. Having witnessed Daniel Carvalho lash in his free kick, my Russia-loving side soon abated and I wanted my boys to show those “shivering Brazilians” (another Tyldesley classic) a thing or two. Sixty-six minutes and one bad decision later, we were beaten, but still sitting fairly pretty in the group.

I awaited the nonsense that was to spill from the mouths of presenters and the back pages of tabloids and broadsheets alike. The Times, to be honest, reported fairly, despite the atrociously dramatic Napoleonic parallel, describing Arsenal as making “a hasty retreat” – oh and please get shot of the “Arsenal frozen out in Moscow” headlines – you are paid to think up something better than that. As a follower of CSKA and a fan of Arsenal, I feel able to make the observation that CSKA were just better than us on the day – Dudu was allowed to dominate midfield due to Gilberto’s below par performance, Vagner Love played the lone hit man up top admirably and Carvalho provided excellent support. The Berezutskiy brothers were solid, the full backs probing.

My vitriol has somewhat abated after that mini-rant, so I will talk about my first team in Russia – the mighty dark blues, light blues and whites of Zenit St Petersburg. Having lived in Peter (that’s what us locals call it don’t ya know) for five months in 2005, I have a strong affinity with the place and with its football team. St Petersburg, the fourth biggest city in Europe (just under 5 million residents), has but one big team, as opposed to Moscow’s eight teams from the capital or the surrounding Moscow region. This means that all of Peter is Zenit mad, her people caught in a bubble inflated by the poster boys Andrei Arshavin and Alexander (Sasha) Kerzhakov, (both of whom often lead the line for Russia – keep an eye out) the latter of whom recently broke SPB hearts by getting married. If rumours are to believed, Spurs and Middlesbrough both had £6 million bids turned down over the summer for Kerzhakov’s services – a reflection of how highly rated and treasured he is.

If you look on the BBC Sport website, I’m sure you will be intrigued to note that SV Red Bull Salzburg are seven points clear at the top of the Austrian league, while we are all acutely ignorant of the fact that with five games to go, the Russian league is presently a four-horse race – with Zenit, ridden by Dick Advocaat looking to make a last-minute dash for glory. And they may well do it – a convincing 4-1 win against second placed Lokomotiv on Sunday 22nd October at a packed Petrovski Stadium certainly gave fans hope.

The game itself represented what is so good about football in Russia currently. The fans went absolutely mental, unveiling huge flags and banners from what seemed like nowhere, held up their scarves and swayed in union, chanting ‘ma-lat-si’ (‘clever boy’) after every goal, and ‘ve-perriod-piter’ (‘onwards/forwards Peter’) as they witnessed their team put a lackluster Lokomotiv to the sword. Arshavin was the architect, a Rosicky-esque player, who roamed a five man midfield, supported by the excellent defensive work of Fernando Ricksen, the banished Rangers player, making life intensely difficult for Lokomotiv to take any control. It was Arshavin’s corner that allowed the lumbering liability Norweigan centre back Hagen to glance a header beyond Polyakov for the opening goal, and Arshavin was soon in the goals himself, judging the offside line perfectly, before lashing the ball into the goalkeeper’s top right corner to make it 2-0 on the stroke of half time. The second half saw the rested Kerzhakov come off the bench, who quickly supplied the cut back (albeit slightly deflected) for Igor Denisov to blast the result from doubt just after the hour.

The introduction of Gary O’Connor for Lokomotiv was of intense interest, and he certainly belied any family problems he may be having, dispatching a tremendous volley into the far side of Malafeev’s goal. Fantastic stuff. Kerzhakov wasn’t finished however, and won a penalty in injury time that was easily converted by the excellent Spivak. If you don’t believe me, check out the highlights on YouTube.

Dick Advocaat has to an extent got Zenit organized into a good side. They play the ball on the floor, and as is the Russian way, will always prioritize attack over defence. This is something Guus Hiddink quickly understood as the new Russia manager, and he has led his new team to an undefeated start to qualification, my boy Arshavin playing an important role in Russia’s 5 points from three games. My advice is, England, don’t expect unless you have done your homework – that will be the difference between England licking their wounds or celebrating just under a year from now.

GO ON SON!! GO ON!!

2006-10-25T19:28:00.000Z

Just a quick thought. Of the managers with teams staring at the Premiership as Essex girls stare at Essex boys (on their knees, staring upwards with a tear in their eye. Sorry.) there is a common theme.

The lack of real tactical nous. Stuart Pearce screams at his team like they've just slapped his gran, Alan Pardew puts David Brent to shame with his motivational interviews, Neil Warnock is only ever a few dodgy penalty decisions away from killing someone, Aidy Boothroyd is aiming to break Mick McCarthy's record of saying 'my boys gave their all', and Glen Roeder is, well, a bit thick.

Point is, being a manager is more than just enthusiasm, passion, belief, motivation, and all those other words that might as well be on an Audi advert. Its a lot to do with tactics. Look at what Arsene Wenger did last season with a bunch of inexperienced youngsters. Look at what Alex Ferguson did in the mid-90s with the same. Didn't scream and shout and say 'we're really up for it' every five seconds.

Kevin Keegan, however, did. And failed. Despite the fact that he'd love it if Newcastle had won the league, just love it, they didn't. Kevin Keegan showed us all that without sound tactics, you won't get very far.

Boothroyd and Warnock are excused, as their teams contain a lot of chaff, but Roeder, Pardew and Pearce aren't. A manager's job isn't just to pick the team and send them out, its to dictate what they do once they are there. I'm afraid it looks as if they have been rumbled.

I'm off to shout at a chair to make it more comfortable.

And the best player in the world is...

2006-10-16T21:35:00.000Z

...Tim Cahill! Well, it could be, since he was shortlisted for the prestigeous Ballon D'Or alongside Willy Sagnol, Florent Malouda, Vicente Medez (plays for PSV apparently), and others.

Stupid really. But got me thinking, so i had a little peak at some previous awards shortlists. The FIFA World Player of the Year is a good one, as it is voted for by international managers and captains. I had a little rummage and wasn't dissappointed. In order of ascending stupidity:

- In the 2005 voting, the Equitorial Guinea captain voted Jay Jay Okocha as the 3rd best player in the world

- In 2004 the manager of Palestine voted Milan Baros as the 3rd best player in the world.

- In 2003 the manager of Chinese Tapei voted Dado Prso as the 2nd best player in the world; his vote for 3rd went to some bloke called Takamtsu Daiki.

- In 2003 the manager of the Bahamas voted for Brad Friedel as the 3rd best player in the world

- In 2003 the the nominations by the Ghana coach went as follows: 1) Zinedine Zidane 2) Paul Freier 3) Ronaldo. Fuck knows who Paul Freir is but he must be pretty handy to be better than Ronaldo.

- In 2001 the Ukraine coach voted for 1970 World Cup hero Carlos Alberto in third.

- In 1997 the Costa Rica Coach voted for Paolo Wanchope in 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

I'm genuinely thinking of sending my Championship Manager CV to all of the above international FAs. They will clearly employ anyone.

Disclaimer

2006-10-13T18:53:00.000Z

Within 14 seconds of my last blog I was contacted by some really nice men. Totally unrelated to our conversation I have the following statement to make.

Arsene Wenger is in no way a peadophile. Nope, definitely not. In any way. In fact he hates kids. Bloody hates them.

Oh, and if you were wondering, Belgian Club Beveren are in no way a money laundering outfit for Arsenal FC.

What's that? Ok fine. I would also like to add that every time i visit Dubai I only use Emirates Airlines. The check-in process is just so convenient, and the seats are dreamy.

(can I have my nephews back now? cheers)

Club Vs. Country

2006-10-13T18:30:00.000Z

Just thought I'd add my voice to the club vs. country debate. By the way have you noticed how every bit of news relating to this issue starts with "_____ has added their voice to the club vs. country debate..." Surely if you ever say anything you're 'adding your voice' to something? Is a news reporter 'adding his voice' to broadcast journalism? Are the Sugababes 'adding their voice' to popular music? /discuss.

I digress. Anyway, Arsene "I didn't see the incident" Wenger was wingeing about the busy international schedule today as Eboue and Ljungberg returned injured from recent internationals. A couple of weeks ago Jose Mourinho accused Raymod Domeneche (France gaffer) of using Makalele as a slave (excellent choice of word Jose, not as if the country is going through an ethnic identity crisis or anything). Benitez reopened the compensation row over Dirk Kuyt's injury whilst playing for Holland. Ferguson hasn't actually said anything this time, but you can tell he was thinking about it.

Anyway. Have you ever heard a player complain about playing for their country? Frank Lampard spends 4/9ths of every interview he gives for England gushing about his international dreams. Theo Walcott was almost pooing himself he was so excited to be playing and scoring for the U21s the other day. They bloody love it playing for their countries they do! How dare you deny Jermaine Jenas the opportunity to tell his kids he plays for England? Its the only thing stopping them from getting beaten up in the playground for having a shit player as their dad.

Moral of the story: Every time Wenger winges Jermaine Jenas' kids are more likely to be beaten up. So Wenger is therefore a peadophile. There, I've said it.

Oh would you just...

2006-10-10T19:56:00.000Z

...stop wingeing Graham Taylor. Being the prophetic, revolutionary man that he is, our favourite turnip-resembling ex-England gaffer (left) was on Sky Sports News today bemoaning the demise of youth development by the FA. Apparently due to the employment of 15,000 Ozzie stoners to build our national stadium, plans to build an academy in the countryside somewhere have been scrapped. Fair enough. Sounds shit.

But then he had to say it didn't he. He just had to. "Too many foreign players in the Premiership stifling emerging talent blah blah blbl yadda".

Either i'm Bill Murray or we had this conversation last year. And the year before that. And about 10 years ago.

England's strongest XI is currently the finest it has been in decades. In fact, if it wasn't for the FA's other brilliant decision- to appoint a strange swinging Swede to coach out national team; and then give the job to his token northern friend- we would all be hailing this as our 'golden generation'. This being the generation that coincided with the dramatic influx of foreigners into the Premiership. Before the foreigners turned up, Graham Taylor was busy playing Tony Daley on the left wing.

Take Theo Walcott's second goal for the under-21s tonight, in which we beat Germany 3-0 to get to the U21 European Championships:

An Arsenal forward cutting in from the left wing, opening up his body and curving the ball into the right hand corner. You can almost hear Theo shouting 'Va Va Voom' as he wheels away to celebrate. Who do you think tought him to finish like that? (And don't listen to Peter "Clooney" Beardsley saying it was 'self-taught') I'll give you a clue Graham, it wasn't Justin Hoyte.

And for the record Mr Taylor, stick this in your pipe and smoke it. Other than Walcott, Wayne Rooney, Aaron Lennon, Dean Ashton, Micah Richards, Kieran Richardson (ok, i take that one back), Nigel Reo-Coker, Darren Bent, Anton Ferdinand, ...are all 22 or younger. So I'm thinking we'll be alright.

I'm off to bemoan the introduction of nets to goals.

South American Football is Mental (Part II)

2006-10-06T18:12:00.000Z

In our continuing series of South American footballing hillariousness (see part I here), this little gem popped up this morning. Upset with their teams 2-0 away defeat to Ceara, some fans of second division Brazilian team Coritiba decided to greet the club's players and officials at the airport. By trying to kick the shit out of them.

The players and officials, not wanting to look like girls, retaliated, and thus another chapter of South American football mentalness unwound infront of the gleeful media. And to think we get eggy about Joey Barton getting his bum out.

Shameless

2006-09-28T17:03:00.000Z

For anyone who cares...I'm starting a weekly page in the Guardian travel section as of this saturday, so be sure to get your copy!!! lol!!! (oh god)

Or just click on the link on the left from time to time you poxy cheapskates.

Trouble in Palermo

2006-09-27T23:24:00.000Z

All kicking off in Sicily apparently. About an hour ago 'Billaricay Hammer' posted this on KUMB, West Ham's largest forum:

"Just had a phone call from a mate who is out there, who has just told me that in the last 20 minutes it's all kicked off big time in the city centre. Apparently bottles are flying all over the place and a load of are lot have been nicked already. I could hear the old bill sirens in the back ground as I was talking to him."

Oh dear, we'll be reading about this tomorrow. Apparently hundreds of West Ham fans turned up in the city without a ticket. God knows what they were thinking, it's not as if they're going to Italy's capital of organised crime or anything.

My bet is that thug Elijah Wood and his Green Street hoodlums are behind this. Just look at him (above). Makes you shudder.

Undercover: Football's Dirty Secrets

2006-09-19T21:33:00.000Z

Who would have thought...?! The two managers who seem to buy a couple of Billy Africas a season- Sam Allardyce and Hary Redknapp- are bent as a circle. So, my reflections on Undercover: Football's Dirty Secrets:

1) Could have gone a lot further- the BBC legal department might as well have co-produced this one. A lot of blanked out names and clubs. One must guess the evidence wasn't as strong for others as it was for Pompey and Bolton.

2) Big Sam seems fucked, surely? Then again, was he just keeping his delinquent son (Craig) close rather than letting him run wild?

3) Will the evidence against Big Sam and Harry stand up?

4) Chelsea seem to have broken the rules on taping up players again...three points anyone?

5) Was the whole programme entrapment?

As you can see, more questions than answers. Wait for the media storm on this one. Turns out the whole transfer system is dodgy, who would have thought? I'm off to slip someone a tenner...

Roeder Catches the Toure Bug?!

2006-09-17T23:55:00.000Z

Listening to an interview with Glenn Roeder tonight on Sky Sports i couldn't help noticing something frankly quite wonderful. I saw a similar interview on Match of the Day and heard one on 5 Live too. He did the same thing in all three...

Roeder was using the third person!!!!

"Glenn Roeder has never been involved in causing any trouble, I'm not an excitable person - in fact some people have accused me of not being excited enough or emotional....

You'll all decide how much you want to make of all this but I know it was completely unintentional because Glenn Roeder hasn't got a reputation for doing things like that which would incite a crowd."
Glenn Roeder, 2006

Simply marvellous. Haven't heard such prolific third personing since Kolo Toure was inteviewed as an emerging youngster in 2002:

"Kolo came on, and Kolo wants to prove he is a good player and Kolo was very happy to score..."
Kolo Toure, 2002

Long may the use of the third person continue.

The New Maradona

2006-09-15T14:48:00.000Z

In a bit of a wierd one, Juan Roman Riquelme retired from international football on wednesday, at the tender age of 28. And thus it came to pass that another 'New Maradona' was not. So, I thought it would be a good idea to check up on what is going on with all the other 'New Maradonas', as there have been a few.

Ariel Ortega -now 32
The original and laryest 'New Maradona', who actually played alongside the old one at World Cup 94. Moved to Valencia in 96, but was too much of a small angry man to stay at any club for too long (6 clubs in 10 years). Headbutted Edwin van der Saar in the World Cup 98 quarter (right), got sent off, Argies lost. Cancelled his own contract at Fenerbhace in 2003 and was banned from playing footy for a year and a half. Now back in Argentina.

Marcelo Gallardo -now 30
Formed a pretty mean partnership in midfield with Ludo Guily for a couple of years at Monaco during which they shat on the league and he picked up the French League Footballer of the Year, but then Boumsong's probably got a few of those. Fell out with Didier Deschamps and left the club the season before they somehow ended up in the Champions League final. Now back in Argentina playing with Ortega at River Plate.

Juan Roman Riquelme -now 28
Got fucked over at Barca where they played him on the wings, but eventually found his feet at Villareal and was almost single-handedly reponsible for their jaunt to the Chumps League semis last year- in which he bottled penalty in the last minute. Looked great at the world cup but was substituted in the quarter-finals against Germany which Argentina subsequently lost. Has only an Inter-Toto cup medal to his name outside of South America.

Pablo Aimar -now 27, left
Signed by Valencia in 2001 for £16m, and was a large part of their Primera Liga victories in 2002 and 2004. Has since lost his place in the Argentinia squad, contracted viral meningitis for a few months, and was recently sold to Real Zaragoza, a noticeable step down, for a bargain £6.5m.

Javier Saviola -now 25
Possibly the greatest Championship Manager player of all time, Saviola made the switch to Barca in 2001 but never quite seemed to fit in. Was loaned out to Monaco and Sevilla where last year he won the UEFA Cup. Was a surprise starter in Jose Pekerman's Argentina team during this summers World Cup, vindicating his selection with a goal and a few assists. Has gone back to Barca to prove his worth (unlikely to play much, likely to get paid loads. hmmm).

Andres D'Alessandro -now 24
Got famous in the same youth team as Saviola, and is one of three players who have actually been recognised as the new him by Maradona himself (along with Messi and Saviola). Despite being widely touted, ended up moving to German nobodies Wolfsburg where he was nothing special for a couple of seasons. Even more bizzarely, he turned up at Portsmouth last year to play a few games for Dirt 'Arry, and scored one blinder against Charlton. Now on loan at Zaragoza with fellow ex-new Maradona Aimar. Has never, to my knowledge, even played for the Argentinian national team.

So... as you can see the general trend seems to be that the 'New Maradonas' generally aren't, and are in fact a bit dissappointing. Carlitos Tevez (22)and Lionel Messi (19) be afraid.

The Greatest Sportsman Ever...

2006-09-13T16:20:00.000Z

...was not Thomas Brolin. In Fact it was this man.

And I'm Spent

2006-09-01T00:00:00.000Z

Good God. Permanent deals. Mascherano has asked to wear number 6 because of Bobby Moore. About an hour ago we were linked to Cicinho. I can't stop giggling.

Around 6pm Kia Joorbachian gave an illuminating interview on 5 Live Sport. Here's what i can remember (i'll post a link when it goes up on listen again):

- Having attempted to buy the club last year Kia (pictured) stayed in touch with Paul Aldridge (Chief Exec) and Terry Brown, remaining "close friends".

- Kia is no longer trying to buy the club.

- The deal is "complicated" (!). He compared it to the Rooney deal.

- They turned down offers from a host of European clubs.

- He mentioned, a few times, that the deal was intentioned to show that the Premiership is not a foregone conclusion; a one-team league

- Tevez and Mascherano were happy to join West Ham, as they both relished a challenge.

- He categorically denied that any of the money behind MSI was from Abramovic.

- He refused to discuss the intracacies of the deal, but iterated that the deals are permanent.

There was a lot more, but i can't really remember i've been in shock all day. Call me a mug, but the guy sounded pretty sincere. To be honest i couldn't give seven shades of shit. We've got Tevez and Mascherano. TEVEZ AND MASCHERANO!

I'm off. Most humerous story of the day here

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

2006-08-31T12:58:00.000Z

Whoa sweet child of mine. West Ham to sign Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez. Fuck me. Its currently 1.55pm and i'm in a bit of a tizzy. First some basics:

Carlos Tevez is owned by MSI, a sports investment company run by Iranian Kia Jorbachian. MSI took control of Corinthians last year, and as a present brought Tevez along as part of the deal. Around the same time, MSI tried to buy West Ham, but having been quoted an overinflated price pulled out of the deal.

Rumours have abounded for some time that the money behind MSI is coming from a certain Russian you might have heard of...Roman Abramovich. When Corinthians brokered a deal for Brazilian Carlos Alberto last year, Kia Jorbachian and agent Pinhas Zahavi split the rights for a future deal. Zahavi aslo brokered the deal purchasing Chelsea for Abramovic. In any case Zahavi, Abramovic and Jorbachian are all mates. ***side point; Corinthians just sorted out Adidas and Samsung as sponsers...remind you of anyone?*** see this

Here are the possibilities:

1) Having touted the pair around for a few weeks- an MSI delegation has been in the country for a while- they coldn't convince Manure Arse or Chelsea to cough up the cash, so have opted to send them on loan in the Premiership to wave them infront of prospective buyers' eyes for another year.

2) Kia Jorbachian is set to launch another takeover bid for West Ham, and has given us Mascherano and Tevez as a sweetener. A very sweet one indeed.

3) Chelsea have agreed a deal in principle to buy the pair, but did not want to cough up £40m straight up for two players who could prove to be flops outside of of South America. So, they have been sent on loan to West Ham for them to cut their teeth. NB the Abramovich link.

4) This is a horrible hoax by Spurs fans still pissed off that we stopped them from getting into the Champions League last year.

I'll blog again at the end of the day. Assuming i'm still in control of my bodily functions.

PS
For the record, Steed Malbranque and Pascal Chimbonda are a pair of troublemaking twats, Spurs are welcome to them.

Ashley Gunned Down

2006-08-25T17:34:00.000Z

Sorry been a bit rubbish recently. Luckily, however, Jonny has once again come to the rescue with some good stuff...over to you mr blatt... (cheers)

"Now before I get into my rant, may I just state that like all Gooners, I absolutely loved Ashley Cole. 'Local boy done good' is not a story you get very often these days in the Prem, especially at Arsenal. But it was more than that. At the age of 25, Ashley is arguably the best left back in Europe (and seeing how insular we are as a footballing continent, probably the best in the world).

None of this of course is news to you. And in fact, the Chelsea tapping-up affair was so well publicised that you know about that too. What may be unclear is that, after being fined £70,000 for his role in the matter, Ashley (influenced heavily by his agent) decided to take Arsenal to the European Court of Arbitration, claiming that not being allowed to talk to Mourinho was against his human rights.

Over this matter, he fell out, acrimoniously I might add, with the Arsenal board, and particularly with David Dein. This mainly happened about a year ago, and Cole, ironically spent the largest chunk of last season on the sidelines. M. Wenger did however pick Cole in his starting line-up for the Champs League Final, the biggest game of his career, to the detriment of Mathieu Flamini who had played the entire campaign and been part of the tightest defence in the history of the Champs Lge. Testament to Cole's ability? Yes. Wenger showing remakable faith in a player who had flirted with his no.1 competitor? Also yes.

Skip to this summer, and suddenly the saga has turned into what can only described as a demonstrative footballing power struggle. Cole is merely a pawn in this, because lets be honest, no-one wants him at Arsenal. Chelsea not only want to get a quality player (which Cole undoubtedly is), but they want to get one over on their London rivals. So they are only offering under Cole's true value. (If Essien, Drogba, Shauny Wright etc all cost 21-25m, then how is Ashley worth £16.5m, their max offer?)... Arsenal are playing hardball, and so are Chelsea. Wenger makes a cheeky £5m bid for Gallas, just to show he's not fucking about. Chelsea then say 'you can have him for Cole, no cash'... Essentially this hideously tedious saga, is boring everyone and the sooner Ash is out the better.

The straw that broke the camel's back for me was Cole's statement last week saying he was available for selection... well thanks very fucking much, £55k a week and he has the cheek to make himself available! Unreal!I'm not gonna get started on the whole autobiography thing, because I think they're ruining football and increasing player power to a detrimental amount.Anyway, sod off Ash... You don't deserve to wear red and white again! You deserve Chelsea."

Chelsea's Children

2006-08-09T12:46:00.000Z

For the last couple of hours I have been bored. So, naturally, I found myself browsing through the Danish Under-19 squad. I noticed something interesting. I browsed a little more. Sitting comfortably?

Over the last two years, Chelsea have signed 18 players under the age of 18 on freebies or with nominal tribunal fees. Ken Bates recently kicked up a fuss about the pinching of Tom Taiwo and Michael Woods from Leeds. Other English clubs have suffered the same fate. Ryan Bertrand has signed from Gillingham, Scott Sinclair (who is a shit hot striker) from Bristol Rovers, Harry Worley from Stockport and James Russell from Arsenal (chelseafc.com apply the schadenfreude…Russell is described as having “sensibly switched to Chelsea”). For good measure they also picked up Sam Hurrell, who won that rubbish Football Idol programme.

Danish youngsters Per Weihrauch and Morten Nielson (the genesis of my search) signed from Ajax and KB respectively, and were joined recently by Scandinavian mate Tomi Saarelma from FC Lahti in Finland. Keen to offset their Scandinavian gang with an Iberian one, Chelsea picked up Fabio Ferreira and Ricardo Fernandes from Sporting Lisbon, Ricardo Semedo from Guimares and Sergio Tejera from Espanyol.

Keen to represent every nation in the Eurovision Song Contest, Chelsea have also added to their squad Jonas Elmer from Grasshoppers Zurich, Miroslav Stoch from Slovakian club Nitra and Connor Clifford from Irish side Crumlin.

Perhaps the most alarming thing is the epithets attached to many of these kids…’wonder kid’, ‘rising star’, ‘prodigy’…etc. Oh, and be sure to watch out for young recruit Lewis Bakes (9) signed from Luton, and the possible arrival of young Australian Panos Armenakas. Aged 7. God help us all.

CARDIFF CITY CAUGHT IN 'SIGN EVERYONE' ROMP!!!

2006-08-06T21:00:00.000Z

It begins. Whilst things have been a little quiet on the Premiership transfer front, the Championship has been in overdrive. Here’s a brief roundup…

Birmingham City- Having hilariously made £12.2m for Jermaine Pennant and Heskey (£5.5m for Heskey- I mean really…) the Blues have made some decent signings. Sebastian Larsson, Nicklas Bendtner and Fabrice Muamba have come in on loan from Arsenal and will be keen to show they’re more Patrick Vieira than Stephan Malz. Rahdi Jaidi (right) is a beast, and pretty good at football too (I’m surprised Bolton let him go), Stephen Kelly is a young Ireland international and suffered from Spurs’ policy of maintaining a steady squad level of 254, and Cameron Jerome is a proven Championship goalscorer.

Cardiff City- have made a remarkable 12 signings so far, including Kerrea Gilbert on loan from Arsenal (first person to say ‘young English talent forced out of Arsenal by foreign imports’ wins a prize). Willo Flood and Michael Chopra almost mad it in the Prem but didn’t, Stephen McPhail was good on Championship Manager 01-02, and highly rated Malvin Kamara has been drafted in from MK Dons.

Coventry City- Have made, I believe, the two shrewdest signings of the lot. Elliot Ward seems expensive at £1m but was as good if not better that Anton Ferdinand in the season West Ham got promoted, and only lost his place to the unexpectedly impressive Danny Gabbidon. Chris Birchall (left) was the white guy who played for Trinidad and Tobago in the World Cup- good, combative midfielder.

Southampton- Rudi Skacel is the reason Hearts are anywhere near the Champions League, Gregorz Rasiak was a top drawer Championship striker until he joined Spurs’ small army, and Bradley Wright-Phillips is from good stock (and scored a cracker on his debut yersterday).

Elsewhere, Carl Fletcher is an excellent signing for Peter Taylor at Crystal Palace (was in fact my favourite player at West Ham), decent 20-year old Sylvan Ebanks-Blake has move from Man Utd to Plymouth, Sheffield Wednesday have got Bradley Jones on load from Boro, Dean Marney (the bloke who scored two screamers for Spurs against Everton last year then barely played again) has gone to Hull, and Michael Rickets will be an excellent signing for Southend (only joking).

Full Championship ins/outs here.

Benjammar's Balls

2006-08-02T18:48:00.000Z

If you haven't already done this, you really should. link

Regards,
Benjammar

(Benji does a couple of stepovers, balances the ball on his nose, flosses the gap inbetween his front two teeth and shags Shakira. OoooohAriaaaaa...)

And McBride Headbutts it into the Scorebag!!!!

2006-08-01T00:21:00.000Z

This is brilliant. Bill Simmons is a famous sports writer in the US for ESPN, who recently decided, on the back of World Cup hysteria, to support an EPL(!) team. To his credit he put a hell of a lot of thought into it, and recently produced a 6,000 word column explaining his decision. Despite the rampant Americanisms (see below) his article is a fascinating look at the Premiership from the perspective of someone who knows nothing about it, producing some truly brilliant moments. Before you read it, here's some excerpts:

- on why not to support Fulham: "one of their celebrity fans is Hugh Grant. And they're owned by Mohamed Al Fayed, the Harrods owner whose son was in the limo with Princess Di. Too many bad vibes"

- on Abramovich: "You couldn't invent a guy like this: Russian oligarch who dumps money into players, hitting the bid on exorbitant transfer fees to stock his squad with so much talent while showing no regard for the bottom line"

- on Arsenal's kit: "Bright red shirts with white sleeves and white shorts. Classic look."

- on Man City's kit: "Baby blue, a shade lighter than the UNC Tar Heels. Probably the sweetest jerseys in the EPL. I can't emphasize this strongly enough -- these things are SPECTACULAR."

- reasons to support Man City: "One of their goal scorers is named Paul Dickov (pronounced "dick-off")"

- Reasons to support Newcastle: "They're named after a beer I actually like."

- Liverpool as a vacation destination?: "Only if you've been kidnapped"

- Tottenham's nickname: "The Spurs. This is important: You either call then "Tottenham Hotspur" or you call them "the Spurs," but no other option is acceptable."

-Why to support Spurs: "If London was the Corleone family, Manchester United was Sonny and Arsenal was Michael, then the Spurs would be Fredo with a little more street smarts … and They have a Kafka-reading, gigantic Dutchman of a coach named Martin Jol who (A) has brothers named "Cock" and "Dick" (I'm not making this up), and (B) apparently talks just like Goldmember (in the third Austin Powers movie). Now there's someone who needs to be in my life."

And who did he pick? You'll just have to read it to find out. Despite all the funny stuff this really is a good read. Over to you in the studio, Bob...

Spot the Difference

2006-07-22T16:47:00.000Z

Chelsea re Bosnich 2003:
"Chelsea Football Club can confirm that notice has been served on goalkeeper Mark Bosnich that his contract is being terminated under the terms of the FA Premier League. We will be saying nothing else on the matter"

Chelsea re Mutu 2004:
"We want to make clear that Chelsea has a zero tolerance policy towards drugs. This applies to both performance enhancing drugs or so-called ‘recreational’ drugs. They have no place at our club or in sport. Chelsea has terminated the contract of Adrian Mutu for gross misconduct."

Alan Pardew re Newton 2006:
"First of all, I would like to express my disappointment and sadness at the situation Shaun Newton finds himself in. He knows that he has let down his family, the Club, and of course, himself.

However, I can say now that, as a football club, we will stand by Shaun throughout this difficult time. West Ham United has always had a reputation as a family club and our belief here is that, when a member of your family is in trouble, you look after them.

Although we will continue to help and support Shaun through this difficult time, we are also acutely aware of our responsibilities as a Club, and he will face internal disciplinary action when all of the information surrounding his situation is clarified. However, I have seen at first hand the emotional and personal hell that Shaun Newton has been through in recent weeks, and our priority must be to help him - not abandon him. I hope his experience serves as a lesson to any sportsperson."

Who's the Scapegoat?

2006-07-19T16:37:00.000Z

Very odd goings on at Villa. First the players are alleged to have invited a reporter to training to release a statement against Doug Ellis, that can be found here at the bottom of the page. Interviewed today, Lee Hendrie said he had never seen the statement. Sky Sports is indicating that Thomas Sorensen (always thought he was the revolutionary type) was one of the instigators. As I write David O'Leary is being questioned by the club, the suggestion being that if he is found to have been behind the statement he's out the door. How ridiculous.

Fact is, Villa fans want them both out. And they both know this- see here and here. What i expect is happening here is that both are trying to win favour by booting the other out the door. O'Leary might well have orchestrated the revolt, albeit pretty badly, to make Ellis' position untenable, therefore seeming the hero whilst getting Ellis out before he sacked him. Ellis can now sack O'Leary, which would certainly be a popular decision, diverting attention away from the fact that no-one likes him either. Get it? Both want to be responible for the others demise, diverting the fans from the fact that they are shit.

However hillarious it is to see Villa be repeatedly mediocre, do us a favour and both piss off.

Roeder's Lucky 7

2006-07-15T18:00:00.000Z

Ah, Glen Roeder. My favourite person. What a lovely guy, eh? A player's manager. Give him a cuddle. Did marvellously to turn around Newcastle's season last season. Finished 7th didn't they? Oh shit.

Glen Roeder's mangerial history...

Gillingham
1992/93: Relegated (Div. 3)

Watford
1994/95: 7th (Div. 1)
1995/96: Relegated

West Ham
2001/2002: 7th (Prem.)
2002/2003: Relegated

Newcastle
2005/2006: 7th
2006/2007: ?

When Glen Roeder finishes 7th, he tends to get relegated the next season. As I write, Newcastle are struggling to hold SK Lillestrom to a draw in the first round of the Inter-Twobob Cup, have so far signed no-one this summer, Shearer has retired, and Owen's knee is fucked. They have also been linked to signing Juan Pablo Angel. Not looking good. Surely not?

Benji's Balls World Cup 2006 Awards

2006-07-11T15:19:00.000Z

The 'Turn-up For the Books' XI
Players who played well wot you wouldn't have expected to innit.

WAG of the Tournament
Raica Oliveira (Ronaldo's Missus)

David Ginola 'Because I'm Worth It' Award
Mauro Camoranesi

Ron Atkinson Rubbish Commentary Award
"Its Cannavaro, and its can you believe it!!!"
John "still calls Germany West Germany" Motson

Milan Baros 'I've Just Tripled My Asking Price' Award
Frank Ribery link

Funniest Moment
Maxi Rodriguez' flying girl slap:

Zidane's Mozart Moment

2006-07-09T22:29:00.000Z

How incredibly sad. Concratulations to Italy, who deserved it (see below), but unfortunately i will remember tonight for the wrong reason. The greatest player i have ever seen play tonight ended his carrer in front of billions, in inexplicable disgrace. A poisonous ending to a magical career.

It is one of life's great ironies that thin lines divide the bounds between genius and madness, and tonight Zidane demonstrated the disasterous deviation from one to the other. As with out very own Wayne Rooney, Zidane has always had it in him to loose it (remember that stamp on the Suadi player in 1998?), and such it seems are the tragic by-products of brilliance.

But does everyone remeber Mozart for shitting on his girlfriends chest? Or Churchill for being a virulant racist? Exactly. Lets not remember Zidane for his headbutt. Talk about it for a bit by all means, but don't lose context. Instead lets remember him for this...

The Maths of it All...

2006-07-09T12:13:00.000Z

Have noticed that opinion is split over who to support tonight, so have devised a simple points system to work this one out. Sitting comfortably...

France
Fabien Barthez is a knob, and shouldn't be in the team as Cupet is better -4 points

Zinedine Zidane is truly God-like, and winning the World Cup twice would confirm his place alongside Pele and Maradona as one of the greatest players ever. +17 points

Abidal and Malouda are average, its always a shame for these types of player to be in a World Cup winning team (circa Guivarc'h) -7 points

Thierry Henry is one of the greats of the modern game, and did not play in the 1998 final, so desrves his bit of history +14 points

Thierry Henry is an arrogant git, a bad loser and has thrown himself around like a big girl this tournament -14 points

Domenech dropped Trezuguet in favour of allowing Ribery to be an extra attacker from midfield, just about making up for not taking Guily +4 points

Barthez, Thuram, Vieira, Zidane and Henry have already acheived enough, share the love boys... -10 points

Cluade Makalele played little part in World Cup 98 or Euro 2000, and is one of the finest if not the best defensive midfielders in the World, deserves to win something +12 points

total..... 12 Points

Italy
Their domestic game is a disgrace, and the fans of Juve, Lazio, AC Fiorentina might be about to see thier teams relegated because of the corruption of the arseholes running their clubs. Definitely need something to cheer about +15 points

Mauro Camoranesi really does have beautiful hair +4 points

They are an annoying team who winge and cheat. Beat Ghana 2-0 whn it should have been a draw. -11 points

Buffon, Cannavarro, Zambrotta, Pirlo and Gattuso are truly world class players who deserve to have won major international honours in their career. Del Piero was a world class player a few years back too, so deserves something as well. +12 points

De Rossi's elbow -4 points

When the Italians score a goal thay all try to celebrate like Tardelli in '82, which is really cool. Much better than Thierry Henry's pompous eyebrow twitch. +7 points

Francesco Totti is overrated. -8 points

total... 15 points

So there you have it. Support Italy. I'm off to eat some pizza whilst being financially suspect.....

Yes Sir, I Bite my Thumb at You!!

2006-07-06T14:11:00.000Z

In response to my last blog i would like to respond to a few comments that got my goat.

1)"last World Cup Nicky Butt was considered by many as our best player in a holding midfield role akin to Hargreaves'" Nicky Butt never put in a performance for England like Hargreaves did vs Portugal.

2)"Pretty sure you were like the majority of the population and a Hargreaves doubter on more than one occasion". In fact before the WC i was in favour of Carragher in the holding role, and yes, i didn't give Hargreaves the time of day. link.

3)"I honestly think it is easier to have a good game in this position than any other position, or that people in this country are just amazed at all the short range passes they are required to make. You just have to sit back and not be too daring, cover the full backs and English people like the unsung hero, someone behind the scenes who, in the glitzy English midfield, takes a back seat, says 'Go on then Stevie, have a run, i've got it covered'." The defensive midfield position is 'easy', well thats just poopoo. Roy Keane, Edgar Davids of old, Makalele, Mascherano, Gattuso, Vieira, were/are all arguably the most important players on their team. If England are to play any three/four or Gerrard, Lampard, Joey Cole or Lennon, the the defensive midfielder will be the most important position in the team. The fact that Hargreaves did more in one game than Carrick and Carragher did in their two put together shows the difference between playing well and playing badly in that position.

4) "I think McClaren would be a fool to drop Beckham straight away, he assisted or scored three of our five goals at the World Cup, the phrase 'kneejerk' comes to mind when daring to think of Lennon"Unfortunately by relinquishing the armband Becks did not do enough. Yes he got some assists and a goal, but like Shearer before him, his syle is that in which the team is sculpted, and has been one of the major factors inhibiting England over the last few years. Who wants to be pinging 40 yard balls to little Wayne and Owen, regardless of how inch perfect they are. Beckham is dead, long live Aaron Lennon (or SWP if he gets better)

5)"I'd also like to point out that bar some really shakey moments during the Sweden game I was thrilled with our two centre halfs" Rio was excellent, Terry was good but not up to his Chealsea standards. Actually the shaky moments vs Sweden coincided with Campbell coming on. Either way our biggest problem is Paul Robinson, who despite being a marvellous shotstopper did not command his defence and looked nervous throghout the WC. Needs to grow bigger balls..compare him to Kahn opr Lehmann or Schmeical etc...bit of a worry this one.

Aaaaaaaaah, thats better. By the way, the two playa haters getting my back up were the co-stars of Malking Tovies, a really very good movie podcast. If either of them want a fight i'm well up for it...

Always look on the brght side...

2006-07-03T12:58:00.000Z

Its been a while since i last blogged properly. There's a simple explanation for this. About a month ago i finished university, and freed from the shackles of academia i have been having a rather good time, alcoholically speaking. Anyway, in this brief moment of sobriety i thought i'd cheer you all up. Here's the positives from England's far from brilliant World Cup experience.

1) Sven is gone. Good Riddance.

2) Turns out Owen Hargreaves is pretty ace. I never doubted him.

3) Beckham has quit as captain. This will solve a lot of problems in team selection. He is a great player, not world class, but great. He is, however, not good enough to play on the right for Enlgand, which is surely now the property of Aaron Lennon. Lets hope Maclaren has the balls to enact this. Furthermore, whilst Beckham was able to lead by example, he was not really able to lead in any other way. Gerrard or Terry can lead by example and give rousing team talks, chip in tactically etc...

4) Frank Lampard has shown that he is a poor man's Stevie Gerrard. If England's midfield is to become a diamond with Hargreaves playing deep, Gerrard will surely now be picked as the forward option. Midfield solved?: Cole, Hargreaves, Gerrard, Lennon.

5) Hopefully we have seen the last of Chriatiano Ronaldo in the premiership. He is an absolutely brilliant player, but you'd have to be better than Ronaldinho to make up for the sheer amnmount of twattishness he has demonstrated.

6) We are in good company. Brazil, Argentina and Spain (who would have thought?) also badly underacheived.

7)Our best XI are all young enough to be in fine form for Euro 2008.

The Maclaren era begins!!!!!!(cue uprorious excitement)

Couchsurfing RIP

2006-06-30T11:58:00.000Z

Hello y'all. Very unrelated to football, but those of you who know me will know that couchsurfing.com meant a lot to me. This morning almost a hundred thousand of us were informed that it is no more- link. Anyone who ever hosted me or i hosted, please get in touch. This is not the end (trigger pheonix from the flames).

Football Philosophy

2006-06-22T01:27:00.000Z

So, this is my first ever drunk blog. i really am pissed, and yet dominating this keyboard...awesome. probably gonna regret this. As the byproduct iof the particularly drunken conversaTION i have just been having, i have had the following epiphany..........

to be a successful footballing nation you need the requisite ammounts of the following ingredients...ie they all need to balance out at about 7 out of 10. you'll understand in a minute.

1) Demographics
law of averages..the more people you have, the more likely you are to produce a footballing genius.

2)Economics
pump enough money into something and it has more chance of succeeding

3)Enthusiasm
if you want something bad enough you can get it

4) physicality
football is a sport. these days you need to be smehting pretty special if you aren't physically strong.

Now, as you are all screaming out...these are all gargantuan generalities..but my point is that you need a balance of the four. Trinidad's demographic deficiency is made up by their physicality and enthusiasm. China are currently not that good because their lack of natural physicality renders their demographicd, economic input and enthusiasm redundant. Brazil are amazing because their physicality, enthusiasma and demographics vastly outweigh their lack of economic input, whcih proportionaly is still pretty good.

so, to be a succesful footballing nation you need a balnce of the four. What do you lot think?..i genuinely want to know...

Ribery to do an Owen?

2006-06-08T16:55:00.000Z

Whilst in Marseille the other night (darling) i saw the French team almost slip up against oriental upstarts China. For anyone who didn't watch the game, do not be fooled by the result...had a Chniese player not scored a hillarious own goal in the 90th minute the match would have finished 1-1, Henry's goal a minute later was meaningless.

However, I wish not to comment on France's near humiliation, nor on the recent penchent of international teams to play a bunch of absolute arse pre-tournament to boost morale (Luxembourg got twatted by both Germany and Portugal, whose previous opponents were the Cape Verde Islands, England destroyed Jamaica etc...)..but instead of a young Mr Frank Ribery.

France's starting midfield last night was Malouda, Zidane, Vieira and Makalele...can anyone spot the problem? Two holding midfielders require either two attacking wingers infront of them, or an attacking midfielder and two wingers (like Chelsea). So then lets see...Malouda did the bit on the left, but Zidane has never been a winger, so barely bothered going wide, leaving France's only threat from the right as Willy Sangol...it was all a bit akward, and cocequently rubbish. Then Ribery came on, filled in the gaps that Zidane was only filling half of, and was the key force behind France's last two goals.

Rather like Hoddle's conundrum with Beckham and Owen in 1998, Domenech has to drop favourites to get Ribery in...either Zidane straight up, or one of Makalele or Vieira to make the midfield a diamond with Ribery on the right- what i would have thought is the best solution. Either way, France's midfield is a bugger to pick. Maybe then Guilly's exclusion was merely to spare a further headache! (And it seems our left-wing problem has headed south, as with the only natural left foot in the squad- as my hon. freind Johnny pointed out- Maloudiocre is the only one who's place is semi-guaranteed.)

Whatever Domenech decides, Ribery looks shit hot, and i predict him to shine when he plays. I also predict him to be an arsenal player next year, he had Arsenal written all over him...quick passer and runner, direct, seemed to flourish on the break, linked up nicely with Sir Thierry etc...watch this space.

Up Yours BBC

2006-05-31T13:44:00.000Z

Any West Ham fan will tell you the BBC have a bit of an anti-Westh Ham bias. From consitently playing our highlights last, from Lawro ALWAYS predicting we will lose, and the final indignity.......not including a single West Ham goal in Goal of the Season. Anyone in doubt, have a look at these corkers...and tell me at least one of them didn't deserve to be included:

Eat that Lawro!

On the Defensive

2006-05-30T22:30:00.000Z

With England’s perennial left wing conundrum well and truly solved, the great holding midfielder debate can begin. To begin…should we have one at all? Well, yes quite frankly, for two reasons:

Firstly it solves the problem of the utilisation of Lampard and Gerrard. This is an obvious one; with a holding midfielder they can drive forward, and is the best of a bad situation with the absence of Rooney.

Secondly, if England want to win the World Cup, it is highly arguable that their arch nemeses this time around will be attacking midfielders. Ronaldinho, Messi, Riquelme, Ballack, Zidane, Nedved, Christiano Ronaldo, and Kaka will pose just as much, if not more threat than the obvious candidates up front such as Ronaldo, Torres, Shevchenko, Henry, Van Nistelrooy etc. Thus a spare in front of the back two could be invaluable.

With this in consideration, Hargreaves and Carrick simply don’t have the mettle, and Carragher is our man. With a few stipulations (based on tonight’s performance): Firstly, if he is going to pass the ball backwards and sideways, which is fine, he has to do it quickly, rather than dithering like he did on many occasions tonight. Our midfield four also have to give him early options. We don’t need Carra to run with it, or pick out through balls, just passing it on will do nicely thanks, so do it quickly.

Perhaps more importantly, Carragher will have to concede less fouls. He conceded at least 5 in the first half today, and better teams would have punished this. If the referee today is anything like what we will get in the World Cup, Carragher is the kind of player that will be frequently penalised.

So, Carragher is our man, as long as he releases the ball quicker, and fouls less. He is a world class player, but doesn’t have much class, so lets just hope he does his job.

EXCLUSIVE: Crouch the Hotstepper

2006-05-26T00:30:00.000Z

Got sent this a few days ago. A Benji's Balls Exclusive(!)...introducing Crouch the Hotstepper! Cheers to Dan for the technical assistance. Another reason to worship the big man.

A Strange Omission: A Reply...

2006-05-23T15:33:00.000Z

Thought i'd post up my good friend Jonny's reply to my blog about Giuly, as he clearly knows more about the issue than I do; here you go:

"...the intricacies of French football do not escape the brutality of politics. Raymond Domenech is notorious in France for dropping experienced players only to be replaced by 'les espoirs' (lit. the hopefuls). Robert Pires famously fell out with Domenech last year after being dropped.

In France, few stars still play in La Ligue, so when a youngster like Ribery has a top season at Marseille, who incidentally have been a pile of poo this season, there's no leaving him out. The French footie press are as manipulative as the British and Domenech is seen as a pretty weak character over there. A player like Malouda gets in ahead of Guily simply because he's naturally left-sided, and well, nobody else in the squad is! (Sound familiar?) As for the Djibbers Cisse, who knows how he manages it, but they absolutely love him in France! No joke, they reckon he's the shit... The truth is, he was the shit at Auxerre, but then I could probably get a couple against Guingamp, Le Havre and Nancy!

As for Ludo Giuly, in my humble opinion, he's not actually that good. Granted he's got bags of pace, but I don't reckon much else. Also, for the last few months, he's been shouting his mouth off about how he's best mates with Henry and how big TH is definitely heading to the Nou Camp having fallen out with everyone and their mother at Arsenal... Well all I can say is HA HA HA. Justice. Gutted Ludo, have fun canoeing this summer, cos no one gives a cow's arse what u think."

Lets all do the Walcott (x2) La La La La...

2006-05-22T19:14:00.000Z

Having played 38 times this season for Barcelona and picked up a second consecutive La Liga title, and a Champions League medal (having scored a cracker in the semis) Ludovic Giuly has not been included in the France squad. Very odd.

As far as i can find, Giuly has no history of attitude problems, or clashes with international managers (which often end French player's international careers). He might not have been a regular in the Barca team this year, but has chipped in with 6 goals, including the afformentioned screamer in the semis of the Champions League. In any case, being edged out of the starting line up by Ronaldinho and Lionel Messi is not something to be ashamed of.

The argument seems to be that Frank Ribery was picked ahead of him, which would be fair enough if it was one of the two, as Ribery has had a great season and is one of the hottest properties in Europe. However, there are at least three players in the squad who Giuly could have replaced that are not Frank Ribery, but play in similar positions. Florent Malouda has had a good season at Lyon, but lets face it, the French League cannot compare to La Liga. Vikash Dhorasoo hasn't scored a single goal all year, whilst playing for a PSG side that finished 9th. And thene there's Djibril Cisse, who is shit, and really annoying as well.

I suspect there is something we are not being told. Or maybe Raymond Domenech has decided to 'do a Walcott' and have a bit of a laugh with his squad. Who knows.

The Risdale Road or the Murray Muckup?

2006-05-21T22:14:00.000Z

Well done Watford, if not only for another away day to look forward to next year. Today’s game got me thinking about the plight of teams who experience success, and in particular the role chairmen play in deciding the future of clubs.

This year saw West Ham and Wigan excel in the Premiership, both because of inspired managers, decent investment, and most importantly, shit loads of ambition. Sunderland on the other hand embarrassed themselves, having added little more than a handful of chaff to their squad over the pre-season. Then of course there is Leeds, whose one time chairman went a bit loopy with success, invested haphazardly, and was bitten in the ass because of it. The question then, is how to follow up success with investment?

Success needs to be a platform on which to build. If it isn’t then lack of ambition is woefully exposed. Bob Murray at Sunderland exemplifies this approach. They won the Championship relatively easily, surpassing Wigan and West Ham on their way, and then stopped. Peter Risdale, on the other hand, got Leeds into the Champions League, wrote cheques the club eventually couldn’t cash, leaving them well and truly in the shit.

The answer then, is somewhere in between Bob Murray and Peter Risdale: building on success but not going over the top. Becoming a top club requires patience and the right amount of investment at the right time. This is exactly what West Ham and Wigan have done. Whilst Wigan’s investment has been modest compared to West Ham’s this season, they have been building on success progressively for about three years. West Ham have shown ambition when it was in question (£7m for Ashton) and also known how to work with the existing setup, settling on players like Mullins and Harewood who could have been expendable, but were stuck with and grew into the Premiership. Will be interesting to know what way Watford, Sheffield United and Reading go.

The Seal

2006-05-18T10:03:00.000Z

Introducing Kerlon, the 'new Ronaldinho' who Man United are trying to buy, apparantly a delegation went out there this week. Famous for the 'seal dribble'. As far as i'm concerned, this is the first trick that can only be defended against with a flying headbutt. Unfortunately, the defender in the first trick hasn't worked this out yet, so settles for karate kicking his chest. Will certainly be fun to see him in the Premiership. That sound you can hear is Lucas Neill salivating.

News link here.

Rough Justice

2006-05-17T22:37:00.000Z

Commiserations Arsenal, I really do feel your pain (see pics two blogs below). Would like to make a point that may be seen as rubbing it in, so first the disclaimer. Have thoroughly enjoyed watching Arsenal in Europe this season, as a bunch of relative upstarts ended up playing the Arsenal way, which is a joy to watch. And of course, Henry really is a God. Lets hope for the sake of every English football fan that he stays.

However, in an annoying way, justice has been done. For the first time in three years the best team in Europe is officially the best team in Europe. As incredible as Porto and Liverpool’s feats were, it seemed a bit of a soppy impunity that the best team in Portugal and the third best team in England were officially the best teams in Europe over the last few years. Even worse, Sao Paolo are officially the best team in the world. I am a big fan of romance in cup competitions, God knows I would have welcomed a healthy smothering of the stuff on Saturday, but a part of me is pleased that the honeymoon period is over for the Champions League, and can now truly be considered a league of champions.

If this game had been played two years ago when Arsenal were quite probably the best team in the world, they would have been worthy champions, but the unfortunate truth is that Barcelona are currently the better team, and have within their number a player who somehow manages to be better than Thierry Henry. I was cheering you all the way Arsenal (as dirty as this felt), but in the end hats off to Barca, the best team in Europe. (and do us a favour and win the intercontinental Cup to set the record straight).

News Now

2006-05-16T18:34:00.000Z

You may have noticed football just got twice as interesting. That's because the transfer window has opened again, and the gossip is coming thick and fast.

NewsNow is a great way to keep up to date with what your team is up to, it basically scans hundreds of news sites for anything related to a field of your choice, and updates every 5 minutes. On the left hand side of the page there is a dropbox with 'football' on it, which includes every league team. So you can keep up to date with every ridiculous rumor that surfaces. For the sadists amongst you, select 'Tottenham Hotspur' and bask in the fact that they will be linked to lots of world class players but get none of them.

I presume this is made by the same chaps who make Championship Manager, of the 'Make Students Fail their Degrees' Corporation. Bastards.

Cup Final Pictures

2006-05-15T11:03:00.000Z

South American Football is Mental

2006-05-12T01:17:00.000Z

Was just watching a Copa Libertadores quarter final match between Corinithians (Brazil) and River Plate (Argentina). River scored in the 83rd minute to make it 3-1 one to the Argentinians...then it all kicked off. One of the craziest bits of football crowd mayhem i have ever seen. Riot police, smoke grenades, fights, crowd surges, pitch invasions, players accosted by fans...needless to say the game was abandoned.

See the chaos here.

Sven and his Metaphorical Baseball Cap

2006-05-08T15:06:00.000Z

At roughly 2.37 today I was left gasping by a particularly plucky Swede. Anyway, enough about my private life (guffaw!)

In other news it turns out Sven Goran Erikson is mental. After years of dedicated conservatism, Sven has come out with probably his most bizarre squad selection yet. But you know what? There’s part of me- that occasionally spontaneous part that doesn’t really understand mortgages- that is really rather pleased.

Bad Bits
1) No Wright-Phillips, even as a backup. Admittedly SWP has not had a great season, but how Sven can think Jenas is more of an attacking threat than him is beyond me.
2) No Bent as a backup. How the leading English Premiership goalscorer is ignored at the expense of Andrew Johnson is also beyond me.
3) Owen Hargreaves- Yup he can play in a number of positions, but can’t play particularly well in any of them.
4) Walcot- What the fuck?! Either a masterstroke or an absolute joke. If neither Rooney nor Owen are fit he will definitely play a part. Defoe and Bent must feel like fools.

Kind of Good Bits
1) No Ledley King- would have been a waste of a squad place, we have four world class centre backs, and he is not good enough in midfield to act as a stopper
2) Lennon- somewhat makes up for the emission of SWP and is a surprise package circa Owen in 98 and Rooney in 2004
3) Walcot ditto. And then some. Not only is he an unknown quantity on the world stage, but lets face it, none of us know what he’s like.
4) Carrick. Yup, but then why bother with Hargreaves too?

In conclusion, the squad is certainly radical, but then so was Michael Foot’s manifesto in 1983- the longest suicide note in history. Lets continue the political analogies. When William Hague wore a baseball cap to the Notting Hill carnival he was trying to prove that he was not boring and could be a bit of a card sometimes. He ended up looking like a twat.

Having consistently criticised Sven’s conservatism, however, I would seem like a bit of a twat if I accused him of being too radical. So I won’t. Tactically this squad is questionable, which also makes it a bit exciting. Like hedging your bets before an exam- you could fuck up but you could ace it. Well done Sven, and good luck.

Congratulations

2006-05-04T21:44:00.000Z

Dear Mr Barwick

My I congratulate you on the appointment of Steve McClaren to the position of Head Coach of the national football team.

Firstly I would like to applaud the exemplary management of the appointment process. The way in which you decided to announce a manager before the world cup was visionary its automatic disqualification of the majority of current top class international coaches.

Also I would like to direct particular praise towards the decision to announce to the press that the F.A. would be travelling to Portugal to discuss the job with Philip Scolari. The Brazilian coach’s true colours were demonstrated by the fact that he could not handle the attention of our respectful and fawning media, despite the fact that we introduced the two before any decision had been made. In any case, who needs a World Cup winner when you’ve got a Carling Cup winner on your doorstep?

Your inspired insulation of the issue to within the corridors of the FA is also to be commended, as the frequently-suggested notion that the decision should be made by the so-called ‘experts’ who have experience in international management is clearly wide of the mark. For goodness sake, you are the head of the F.A., who can possibly know more about the game than you?!

Further congratulations are in order for the clear and consistent desire to appoint Mr. McClaren to the post. I’m glad I was not the only one to notice the imperious way in which he disposed of Nuneaton Borough in the FA Cup replay at the Riverside.

McClaren’s flexibility is also to be praised. Not only did he put up with the fact that you pretended that Scolari was your first choice (good one by the way-chortle) but the manner in which he outmanoeuvred the season ticket flung in his direction by a Middlesbrough fan earlier in the season was simply sublime. The fact that the Boro fans interviewed today displayed little disappointment at seeing him leave truly was testament to the respect and adoration he has nurtured this season. Your announcement that the decision was unanimous and that good old Steve had been the favoured choice all along vindicated my belief that the thousands of pounds and spent and considerable domestic disruption caused was merely an elaborate ruse.

Finally I feel your specific declaration that McClaren’s appointment had been done in the name of ‘continuity’ was right on the nail. Why bother changing a winning formula? Do the media not realise just how well this team has done in the past few years? If it wasn’t for those cheating Brazilians and Portuguese and French and Northern Irish and that Danish referee and Faria Alam and the Greeks and Arsene Wenger and the Communists our national team would be perched at the very top of the footballing hierarchy, as it should be.

So Brian, tonight I will raise a glass to yourself. Long may your reign continue.

Yours Sincerily
Benji Lanyado

p.s. Have you lost weight?

The Africanisation of Defensive Midfield

2006-05-03T14:12:00.000Z

It all started with Patrick Vieira- He came from Senegal, he plays for Ars-e-nul- was the inventive Highbury anthem. He also gave Giggsy the ball, and Arsenal won…anyway. One of the lesser-spoken stories of the Premiership over the last few years has been the protracted Africanisation of the defensive midfield. Let me explain….

First there’s the ones you will know. Chelsea have two: Michael Essien (from Ghana) and Makalele (French but born in Zaire). Liverpool have got Mohamed Sissoko (Mali), and Arsenal have got Vassikiri Abou Diaby (French but of Malian descent).

Then there’s the other decent ones. Abdoulaye Faye (Senegal) at Bolton, Papa Boupa Diop (Senegal) at Fulham, and George Boateng (Dutch but born in Ghana).

The there’s the ones you’ve probably forgotten about. Aliou Cisse (Senegal) at Pompey, Eric Djemba Djemba (Cameroon) at Villa and Amdy Faye (Senegal) at Newcastle.

Then there’s the ones you probably don’t care about. Christian Bassila (Congo) at Sunderland, and Mohamed’s little brother Ibrahim Sissoko (Mali) at West Brom.

Finally there’s the one’s who are ‘destined’ for the Premiership, now that all the cool kids are doing it. Mahamadou Diarra (Mali-right) at Lyon is wanted by Chelsea and Man Utd, Kolo’s little brother Yaya Toure (Ivory Coast) at Olymiakos has been linked to a number of Premiership clubs, Didier Zokora (Ivory Coast) at St Ettiene who is being heavily sniffed around, and Younes Kaboul (Morocco) at Auxerre.

So, the theme is clear; if you want a defensive midfielder-go African. In fact, go West African, pretty much every player I’ve mentioned is derived of West African countries. 12 out of the 20 Premiership teams have already got one, and there are more on the way.

In other news, I sat on my phone for about half an hour yesterday and now I have Girls Aloud as my ring-tone and can’t get rid of it.

Better than me.

2006-05-01T13:49:00.000Z

Hello y'all. Just wanted to draw your attention to who I think is the best sports sketch writer in the country.

Barney Ronay has a weekly column in the Guardian saturday sports section, and is regularly brilliant. Now you have two reasons to buy the Guardian on Saturdays!

Find me old mucker Barney's columns here.

Wayne Who?

2006-04-30T18:00:00.000Z

Fear not my fellow patriots. After four hours of uncontrollable sobbing, i managed to come up with the solution to an England team without Rooney. Actually it was me, my mates Chris, Ali, DC, some White Ace and a guy called Fosters, but I'll take the credit thanks. Here is an artist's impression:

As you can see, the formation is a complete copy of the Chelsea formation, with Cole and SWP/lennon acting as support strikers from the wings. To some extent this formation favours the choice of Crouchy boy, as the striker would be needed to hold up the ball for the midfield to drive forward and score. Gerrard would have to be a bit more defensive-minded, but this was always going to be the case. Beckham can operate from a more central area, pinging the balls to the wings or Crouch. It all works my friends.

Yes, that sound you can hear is of a chorus of sopranos cooing ahhhhhhhhh, in revalatory style.

Only problem, adopting this formation would be the most radical thing Sven has done since he decided to shag Faria Alam in the FA cupboard, and the cances of him doing it are slim to none. Scolari would have done it, but don't get me started. As you were. (Benji picks up his metatarsal ray and heads off to Brazil)

Retention

2006-04-26T13:54:00.000Z

Against all odds, it looks as if Chelsea will be the Premiership champions for the second year running. A quick look around Europe's top leagues will yield a plethora of similar shocks. Not really. 2006 has been the year of retention. 10 out of 12 of Europe's decent leagues have been/probably will be won by the same teams that won them last year:

England: Chelsea
Italy: Juventus
Spain: Barcelona
Germany: Bayern Munich
France: Lyon
Netherlands: PSV Eindhoven
Greece: Olympiakos
Turkey: Fenerbahce
Switzerland: FC Basel
Scotland: Celtic

The only two decent leagues who have not been retained by the 2005 winners are Portugal, where Porto will take the title from last year's winners Benfica, having won it in 2003 and 2004, and Belgium, where Anderlecht will take the title from Club Bruges, having won four out of the previous 7 titles.

So, crazy, unpredictable stuff my friends.

On the subject of league domination, my current second favourite team are Gretna in the Scottish Division 2. Check out their domination here, their goalscoring exploits here, and buy your commemorative mug here.

Pearce the Prophet?

2006-04-18T03:01:00.000Z

Having just finished watching today's Match of the Day (recorded), I felt the burning desire to log something. Thus the 4am post.

I couldn't help noticing something very odd in Jonathan Pearce's commentary of the Charlton-Portsmouth game. I was slightly confused when Pearce, somewhat out of the blue, commented in the first half words to the effect of : 'You can't help wondering, with all the stress involved in this seasons struggle against relegation...will this be Harry's last year in management? Might he call it a day?' As far as I'm concerned, this is the first time anything has been said about the possibility of Redknapp retiring this summer, so I considered it just a bit of entertaining Jonathan Pearce filler; the kind he has made a career of.

Then, in the second half, again out of the blue, Pearce stated words to the effect of...'and just how much is all this tension effecting Harry's health?'. It wasn't just a flippant comment either, they were genuine words of concern.

On the final whistle, the BBC cameras focussed in, as they would, on a gutted looking Redknapp. I couldn't help noticing though that they held the shot as Harry exhaled rather unnaturally, looking like he might have been wheezing slightly.

If this is Jonathan Pearce madness, is there method in't? Pearce is a London footballing stalwart, having made his name on Capital Gold over fifteen years ago, a period during which he may have gotten to know a character like Harry Redknapp rather well. Does he know something we don't?

Lets hope he doesn't, and that this is merely the slightly sleep-starved rambling of an idiot who spent six hours on trains today to see his team get beat by a mediocre Boro side. Odd htojsjnharry nsbubblesnnns zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Lesser of Six Evils?

2006-04-16T16:17:00.000Z

What is the meaning of life? Given a relatively level playing field – i.e., water deep enough so that a shark could manoeuvre proficiently, but shallow enough so that a bear could stand and operate with its characteristic dexterity – who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark? Who should be the next England manager?

Such are the questions facing our puzzled existence in today’s confused world. For question A, see here. For B, see here. For C, allow me to indulge (but not really answer)

Perhaps the most important issue facing the FA (and indeed every English fan) is that we are currently in the process of picking an England manager by default. All of the candidates have obvious flaws- the debate essentially being who has the least?

Big Sam is an excellent wheeler and dealer, an admirable quality in club management, but useless on the international stage. He has also nurtured at Bolton perhaps the ugliest playing style of any Premiership team. Whilst his scouts have a penchant for the exotic, he has a penchant for the long ball.

Alan Curbishley has said he doesn’t want it, and is in charge of a Charlton team that has been stagnant for about 5 years.

Gus Hiddink would have been a good candidate, but is famous for his distaste for media intrusion (ask Sven about that), wanted to manage a club team at the same time as England, and wanted to commute from Amsterdam.

Steve Maclaren really isn’t anything special. Take away Boro’s cup runs and everyone would have been talking about him getting the sack. Despite his experience in the England setup, ex- Man Utd Assistant Managers do not tend to make good managers- see Kidd at Blackburn, Quieroz and Real Madrid, and lets face it, Maclaren at Boro.

Martin O’Neil has spent a year out of the game, and signed off his Celtic career by loosing the SPL on the last day of the season. Yes he transformed Celtic into the best team in Scotland after years of being second best- but this is the point; succeeding as a Rangers or Celtic manager is a case of being better than one other team. I fully expect Le Guen to do the same at Rangers, as he is pretty good. Not brilliant but pretty good. The main reason everyone seems keen on O'neil is beacuse he is not Allardyce or Maclaren.

Big Phil Scolari (right) has the best credentials of the lot having won a World Cup with Brazil, and almost won a European Championship with Portugal. Stylistically he is the ideal Manager to work with the most attacking England line-up we have had for years. Scolari is of the ‘you score two, we’ll score three’ school of thought, the dramatic opposite of Sven’s approach of ‘we’ll score one then sit back and wait for Zidane to score two’. If only the bugger didn’t have a grasp of English that was intermediate at best.

Guess What? Brazil Are Quite Good.

2006-04-11T13:22:00.000Z

An article in this Sunday’s Observer Sports section annoyed me a bit. The basic jist of the article is that Brazil aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, and are in some sort of crisis. The full article can be found here. To some extent the Observer may have been trying to reverse The Sun and News Of The World campaign to destroy the England team’s morale via the medium of scandal, which is commendable. Doing this by trying to claim Brazil are shit is a bit over the top though.

To summarise, here are the basic points, followed by my rebuttals, your honour:

1) Roberto Carlos is losing defensive composure at the rate of knots. I saw Roberto Carlos the other week, he is still the second best left back in the world, and has never had much defensive composure anyway. People have been criticising his defensive capability for years.

2) Cafu has just returned from surgery. Oh dear, that means they might have to play Cicinho (right) instead. I also saw Cicinho play the other week, and he was awesome, arguably already better than Cafu anyway.

3) Juan and Roque Junior are dodgy centre backs, and Lucio has dipped in form. Ok, but when was the last time Brazil had good centre backs anyway. This is not how they roll. You score two, they score three. A Kevin Keegan wet dream. The article also failed to mention Edmilson, who does a good job for Barcelona whenever they play him.

4) Emerson was made to look geriatric by Arsenal. Oh dear, they might have to play Gilberto Silva (left) instead. The upping of Gilberto’s responsibility since the departure of Vieira has markedly improved his game, with many Arsenal fan’s claiming his form is the real reason behind their recent resurgence. He sits back, soaking things up so the rest can pile forward. Ideal for a team like Brazil.

5) Kaka has lost a shade of the sparkle that accompanied his emergence to the big stage. Rubbish. Kaka scored a hat-trick yesterday.

6) Ronaldo is fat and out of form, and Ardiano has personal problems. Ronaldo is indeed fat, and was on poor form a few weeks ago. He has since scored four goals in four games, including one corker against Barca, who are arguably the best team in Europe. He was fat and out of form before the 2002 World Cup, then he won the Golden Boot and virtually single-handedly won an average Brazil team the World Cup. Adriano (right) is admittedly on poor form, but has still managed to score 19 goals so far this year. He was also man of the match in the first leg against Villareal the other week. Even so, if Brazil chose to drop either striker, they could play one up front with either Kaka, or the unmentioned Robinho in a slightly deeper role. Then there’s always Juninho at Lyon who could operate as an attacking midfielder. Poor them.

7) Ronaldinho will be tired after a long season. A tired Ronaldinho will still shit all over almost anyone.

In sum, don’t count your chickens. Brazil will be a joy to watch this summer, and a bastard to play against.